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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Involving his care team?  (Read 405 times)
sweetheart
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Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
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« on: March 12, 2017, 09:38:17 AM »

Hi all,

I am not conflicted or undecided about wanting my husband to leave, but i am conflicted about the practicalities of it. My conflict is around trying to manage and keep the status quo whilst we still live together.  (yes I am WOE's) The only reason I do this is so that it lessens exposure of conflict toward me and indirectly at our s8.

So currently and for about the last 8 months my husband has been expressing a desire to leave me. I am ok with this, because as he is now it is as though there is only mental illness, and it is no longer possible to have a relationship with him. He has no insight into how his mental health issues impact on his relationships or daily life.
Unfortunately he is unable to physically leave, he is stuck firmly in the 'I hate you, don't leave me.' dynamic, being able only to generate conflict and chaos around him using blame, projections, distortions, false accusations all directed at me.

I have been making behind the scenes plans, seen a solicitor, spoken to our housing officer, and what has transpired recently hence the post, is that my husband can be moved to his own permanent accommodation on medical grounds with supporting evidence from his care team.
We live in social housing and are joint permanent tenants in our current home. I received the Medical Priority Move application form in the post yesterday from the council medical officer. Now do I give this to my husband who will just disregard it and forget he ever received it, or do I send it to his mental health care team (who can fill it out with him) with a covering letter, given that he has expressed his desire to leave to them also?

I have told him the application has come, but he just changes the subject, or says you're trying to make me homeless, or have to live in a hostel, and starts to dysregulate. He doesn't have to do either of those things, he will be rehoused relatively easily in accommodation that he has some level of choice over.

I believe he really does want leave, but I think he is also very scared. We have been together eleven years. He has no friends and is estranged from his family, his level of overall functioning is seriously impaired, and I am to all intents and purposes a full-time carer now. I understand that it is probably the path of least resistance for him to stay and then blame me for ruining his life, but he does have an alternative that I truly believe he does not know how to navigate.

What are my options, what are your thoughts here?
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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2017, 12:34:40 PM »

I send it to his mental health care team (who can fill it out with him) with a covering letter, given that he has expressed his desire to leave to them also?
 

I would NOT tell him you are doing this.  Let them bring it up in their sessions with him.  They will likely choose to show the cover letter or not... .but I would be frank and succinct in your cover letter. 

It seems you have your homework done.   I would add that you should make sure you are ready for some "heavy seas" for the next few weeks.  Have a go bag ready for you and your kid. 

In reality you will likely WOE more in the next few weeks.  Remember... this is short term effort that directly ties to a longer term calm.

The only other option I see, which I don't recommend is to use this as "leverage" if there is any chance that upping his care routine would result in long term change.  My impression is that your pwBPD is heavily cared for by mental health teams, but in the interest of checking all options, maybe this is something to think about.

FF
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formflier
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« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2017, 12:35:38 PM »


Very impressed by your tenacity to provide a stable home for you and your child!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

FF
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2017, 12:36:21 PM »

Hi Sweetheart,
You've been stuck in the compassion/carer role for so long that I think you too are scared to make a change. I suspect that if I were to tell you that you deserve more than this, you would likely disregard my words. However, I do believe if I say that your son deserves to experience a healthier environment that this might motivate you.

However you approach the re-housing of your husband, it's going to be difficult. I'd bet that he would not voluntarily do it on his own. You're going to have to take the initiative. And you will be villainized, verbally abused. He will threaten and cajole. It will be ugly. But this miserable existence will be over. And he will get over it. He won't have you to blame anymore and it may be that when you and your son visit him in the future that you will be able to find some peace and enjoyment in his presence. As it is now, that is not possible.

I know how hard it is to pull the plug on a long-term relationship. It took me nearly twenty years to get out of my first marriage, which turned into a hellhole shortly after it began. But I've never had any regrets. I did marry another pwBPD, but this one is mostly nice, is now wealthy, and my life is good.

Best wishes, Cat
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
sweetheart
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« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2017, 03:54:15 PM »

Hi cat + ff,
Thank you. I am happy that you both concur with what really feels like the best option for me, and that is to both involve his care team in the process of leaving. I am aware that it also shifts the dynamic in our relationship by making this interaction transparent and also handing over to someone else the caretaking responsibility for him. This is a dynamic he will be familiar with from before he met me, he has always been looked after. He has never been on his own. It is important to me that someone takes responsibility for his care from me, not forever, but for now whilst he is struggling. I cannot stress just how impaired and vulnerable I believe him to be at this time. This is not imagined it is just how it is.

 I have no issue about his team letting him know I sent the forms to them, but I won't tell him. I am aware though that this move will reinforce his persecutory paranoid beliefs about me. He believes me to be untrustworthy, this will also reinforce that too. That in the short-term things will be tough to live with, but it won't be forever.

Cat I am doing this in a very slow, careful and informed way because I want a better more consistently stable environment for me and my son in the future, but I really do believe it might be possible to avoid an absolute meltdown in the short term too.
You are right I will be in for a hard time because of what I am going to do, but that won't stop me. I do believe in time that my relationship with my husband will improve, but for that to happen we have to be apart. I need not be available for him to blame anymore. I will never live with him again though no matter how things may or may not improve.

ff upping his treatment and care would absolutely improve things for us, but I cannot keep fighting the system for failings in their approach to my husbands care. He had an amazing P for 6 years, a holistic family centred approach, respite care and so on. P left, we moved, everything fell to pieces, he has never recovered his previous level of functioning. I complained in 2014 because he nearly died from neglect and poor care. An independent investigation found serious failings in care and we were awarded compensation from the health care trust. Only problem is my complaint and it's findings did not translate to action on at ground level. He has had 5 different P's and 6 different Care Coordinators in four years because of funding and staffing issues. So leverage of course crossed my mind, but I know that current levels of mental health care here in the UK are neither sustainable or consistent enough to justify putting myself or my son in a position whereby we have to keep hoping that things might improve.

Yes I have a bag backed, money in the bank, family aware and transport to go if everything blows up in my face. I wouldn't hesitate to involve the police either if necessary, he knows this I have done it before.
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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2017, 04:52:44 PM »

it may be that when you and your son visit him in the future that you will be able to find some peace and enjoyment in his presence. As it is now, that is not possible.


This is where bpdfamily is so great.

I was looking at this from a "action item" point of view... .making sure all things had been considered.

I think Cat came at this from a relational point of view.

It's obvious you care about your hubby and you care about your child.  You desire everyone to have the best relationship possible.  You completely understand that unless things change "on the ground" (where he lives) that the relationships you care about will continue to deteriorate.


Second benefit:  Once you get him in a stable situation, perhaps you can turn your focus to "fighting the system" and get him a stable P and care team.  You are only human and only have so much time and energy.

 

FF



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