Violating My Own Boundaries?

[Ellemno]

I feel sick to my stomach. I've been involved in a romantic relationship for 6 mos. w/her, whose parents were both NPD. She has some traits. At first it's all love and roses, and proposals of marriage, and happiness when I got pregnant. But then, she went behind my back to meet up with an ex for lunch, an ex she initially told me was toxic and bipolar. While I still didn't know this, she eventually said she missed her and wanted to be friends with her. I said I wasn't comfortable with that bc she couldn't have a transparent conversation about it--it was always weird, somehow--and she promised she'd let me know if the girl reached out to her. She still lied to my face about not having contact. Eventually things felt weird enough that I pressed and she lashed out, told me many times she wants that girl in her life. It was near a death anniversary and her family was excluding her from participating in any honoring of that, so I got it bad. It was shocking. I said we should let it go and focus on her feelings about the death and she wept all night in my arms. The next morning was a doc appt for the baby, and she re-iterated that she wanted to connect with the girl. I told her that was a deal breaker for me, she said it shouldn't be, and ultimately, that was that--yet she wanted to come the doc with me! I went to get my things a few days later, and she eventually admitted she'd had lunch with the girl and hid it bc of the baby. She said confusing things about it--that it reiterated that she didn't have feelings for her, that nothing happened, but that there were "sparks"--which she later said was a bad word choice (hmmmm). Then she said something led me to believe that something DID happen and I left, with us broken up.

After lots of text apologies, I let her come with me to another doc appt where we learned there might be something wrong with the baby, to come back 5 days later. I was devastated but trying to be hopeful that they were wrong. She was comforting, but then she dug her heels in about something with that girl and I left, and found out she went to a party (the girl wasn't there--her friends hate the girl). When I went back to the doc, she offered to come, I said no, she offered to be there via text or FaceTime until she decided to go to a workout class DURING THAT TIME, but said I shouldn't be upset bc she'd be checking her phone. I. Just. Couldn't.

Eventually the baby died. My family and friends helped me through this (just 2 weeks ago) and I blocked her calls and texts. She sent me a letter saying all the right things and I think that in my trauma, I wanted to believe them, and maybe some were true. We've had some open talks and they've been awesome, but ultimately, she's still the same person. I recently friended her on FB and saw pics of her out at that party and it all came rushing back. And now I feel sick to my stomach.

[Larmoyant]

Ellemno, I just wanted to stop by and give you a big hug . I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby and all of this stress on top of that. I’m not surprised you feel sick, being lied to and deceived is a horrible feeling. It’s completely understandable that you reached out to her when you lost your baby and of course you wanted to believe her words. I’m sorry she let you down, actions are much, much more important than words particularly when it comes to pwBPD. Reach out to people who are really there for you especially at this time  

[Ellemno]

Thanks so much for the kind words and hug. 

[Ellemno]

Update: I couldn't take the sick feeling anymore so I ended connection with her. We had what I thought was the MOST open talk where we were both attending to our triggers. It made me feel validated that I saw something real in her (not like I should stay with her, but just that she had some good moments and qualities). We spent the day together, and it was great, and I said I'd be down for some form of connection in the future if we could try to keep them like this (emphasis on try). And then the same ___ that very night. She then admitted that when we were apart, she reached out to that girl again "to be friends", but that she told her she loves her "but isn't in love with her". According to my ex, the girl then asked about sex, and supposedly my ex said she'd thought about it but doesn't want that. My ex says this was ok bc the girl then taunted her saying "I F*** who I want now" and that my ex could've taken this and tried to hook up with the girl but didn't.

This sounds like either an immature act or selective truth, both of which I think are disrespectful. She also supposedly said to the girl that a text I asked her to send for us to be talking again (saying they'd have no contact and not to make contact in the future as it wasn't healthy--her/her therapist's words)
was "sent under duress" and she apologized for it. I have no idea if this is the whole story, and I likely never will. It isn't so important, I suppose, as it would all boil down to betrayal. She says she doesn't know why she did it, that there's something about wanting to be desired, and that its an impulse control issue. I asked if she didn't mean what she said to me and if she did feel duress, and she then says that both statements she made were true.

And I snapped and cut things off. I do not regret the decision, though I regret the way I did it.

I'm trying to make sense of this all. What can I even think about this?

[formflier]

   

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

I hope that you can focus on self care for a week or two and take space from the relationship.  Perhaps things will be clearer in a few weeks and you can decided to let "end" stand or see if you ex wants to discuss some type of relationship.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

I'm trying to make sense of this all. What can I even think about this?

For myself, reading your story has me still confused about what exactly did or didn't happen with your ex. (Not confused about the loss of your baby. That is just tragic.  )

But even with the confusion, I'm pretty sure about one thing: Your ex is waaaaaay too messed up to be safe even as a friend, never mind being in a r/s with! You will be hurt if you are in contact.

[Ellemno]

Thanks for the support. 

The more time away from things the clearer I see and feel, which is a good sign that I've done the right thing. I appreciate the supportive words, FF, but truly do not want anything to do with her. I am angry and hurt and I agree with Grey that she's not safe for me to be around. Grey: I felt validated by your reply, and upon reading it, my shoulders immediately relaxed a little. I see that I have more therapeutic work to do.

I got a venomous email from her the other day lashing out, projecting hard on to me, I'm guessing bc I ended things for real. It was then followed by a half-hearted email apologizing "for it all", stating she understood how I could "not get past things", indicating that this is all my fault, that she's done with my manipulation and games. I know enough to know that this is typical BPD behavior, and I fixed my email filter so that no more emails will get through to me. It's just one last crappy thing to go with this experience.

Thanks to your support, and my reflection, I am starting to forgive myself and slowly let things go. My focus now is on me, preparing for a healthy mind and body to eventually try to get pregnant again on my own. This is tough, especially when my mind starts drifting to the good times.

I'm still a bit embarrassed that I connected with her at all after she broke my boundary, but I see that I just couldn't bare to go through that phase of grieving without that--I'm becoming ok it. Man, I am HARSH on myself! Anyone else have that affliction?