Older sister living away with possible BPD

[Yesiam]

My sister, who is 36 and 5 years younger than myself, has exhibited non-stop emotional behavior since she was 17.  She had made comments that her stability in high school was due to my father moving the family across the country when she was 15.  At that time, I had already moved away to college.  Come to find out, she was doing drugs & drinking heavily from the time they moved till she was delivered to treatment by her "eventual" wife.  :)uring this time I moved away and tried to hide from the dysfunction back there.  I am aware of at least a couple suicide threats she has made to my parents.  My parents are full of guilt, feeling completely responsible for her condition because they made her move.  We did our best to endure her unacceptable behavior during this time period.  About 5 years ago she started AA and "supposedly" is sober now.  From what I have gathered she is no longer doing drugs either.  Perhaps this is why we are completely unsure why her behavior hasn't improved.  I think we put everything aside last year during her treatment for cancer... .but the underlying dysfunction with other relationships became obvious.  She has never been able to maintain any relationships... .my parents are probably the only ones she has.  I've spoken to her ex who strongly feels that she has bipolar or something similar.  My parents completely enable her with their guilt and do not realize it.  I fear what will happen when they are gone... .I really worry she will be able to function.  

Unless I do or make an attempt to resolve this situation, I'm certain nothing will change.  I am sick of dreading the holidays with her unpredictable outbursts.  Not to mention, I hate feeling like I am the bad guy in this situation.  For several years I had to break away & avoid the dysfunction with her & my parents, feeling at the time that she was taking advantage. After several years & discussions with family members, I am feeling more confident that she is struggling with a mental disorder, perhaps BPD.  Her ex-wife confronted her several times that she should talk to someone about bipolar.  Those attempts were severely defeated and never explored.  My parents feel helpless and don't know what to do.  

We are desperate to figure out how to approach her with exploring treatment options.  She is very sensitive and we feel will quickly dismiss and deny anything is wrong with her.  I am probably the only person who is easier to find help for this situation so that my parents don't have to rock the boat with her.  They fear she will cut them off entirely.  Now that I've decided & become determined to improve this, I am eager to hear suggestions for how to approach her as an adult.  I am concerned we will only have one chance to get this right.  

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome  Yesiam:   
I'm sorry about the situation with your sister.  Stress and change can prompt a person with BPD (pwBPD) to have a melt down.  It's not your parent's fault for moving.  It was just a matter of time until there was some event, stressful situation or loss of a friendship, etc. that caused the first episode.  You are right to anticipate that whenever your parents have significant health issues and/or pass, it will more than likely cause emotional dysregulation with her.

Reading about FOG - (DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT), can be helpful for you to read and to share with your parents.

I could be helpful to read this article: GETTING A BORDERLINE INTO THERAPY. It generally doesn't do any good to force someone to participate in therapy.  Sometimes, you might be able to prompt someone to go to therapy, but unless they want to participate, there is generally little or no benefit.

SETTING  BOUNDARIES  will be helpful for you.  Boundaries are for your benefit and protection.  They are up to you to consistently enforce them.  You might set some boundaries for your benefit and your parents may have their own.

You can't change your sister. The only thing you can do is learn various communication skills that will make things easier for you and should tame some of your sister's responses.

Is your sister self supporting?  Does she live alone or with your parents?

I don't want to throw too many links at you.  After you click on the green words above and check out some of the links, you might want to browse through some of the links within the large green band at the very top of this page.  There is a "Tools" menu there.  The lessons on ":)on't Invalidate" can be a valuable one to learn.

Some people like to read lessons and then come back to their thread and post to check their understanding and to practice applying some strategy.  After reading about boundaries, what are some possible boundaries you might want to put into place?