I think I just painted my BPD partner black

[DearHusband]

First, let me admit my shortcomings. I can't always face a head on conflict with my BPD spouse and that causes me to withdraw and be passive aggressive.

Having said that, I just saw my spouse in an entirely new negative light after tonight's argument. I feel like I've painted HER black. Before, I might have been able to focus on the behaviors that I didn't like and separate her from them. Now, I feel like I don't like the person.

Has anyone felt like this before and how did you get past it?

[Lalathegreat]

I certainly relate to having a pattern of becoming passive or even passive aggressive when faced with conflict. None of us are perfect. 

I have been able to seperate my pwBPD from his actions until fairly recently. A handful of times there were resentments that I held, but it seemed that within a small amount of time I was able to move past and let them go - only to face disappointment when the same things would happen again.

An idea I'm contemplating today (as I sit in much the same position, trying to decide if I care enough to ever reach out to my pwBPD again) is the proverbial straw on the camel's back. I will be the first to admit that my approach has been very flawed, that I have invalidated, JADED, and approached things in ways that have damaged the relationship. But I have always been incredibly well intentioned and have given so much time and energy to bailing this particular Titanic. And honestly, I don't know how much more I have to give. I'm not sure I will EVER be able to see him the same again.

Could this be a factor for you as well?

I wish I knew how to advise you. Just know that you are not alone!

[Krato]

I have been feeling like this for the past 2 years. I see it as part of the process of letting go. But of course for you it may just be temporary anger and disappointment which will pass. I don't think anyone should feel guilt for passive aggressiveness when dealing with BPD person. During their episodes it's impossible to discuss with them rationally so it's better to just let things cool down and talk when they're over it (that will usually trigger a new episode though). I don't see it as passive aggressiveness, just setting boundaries. I will not communicate with her when everything that comes out of her mouth is an insult, a lie or at least something negative. You don't have to tolerate that and by giving silent treatment you will teach also her that. Some BPD's are like 3 year olds. When a 3 year old is behaving badly, you don't reward them with attention.

I haven't really been thinking about it before but perhaps for the first 10 years of our r/s I did separate her from her behavior. I always told myself that beneath all that temper she has a good heart. I also made other excuses like: "she has a NPD dad so I cannot blame her for her upbringing", "she has had a rough teen years", "she is not afraid to show her feelings", "she is a woman so mood swings are part of the deal"... .and so on.

It was the birth of our children that started to turn the tide for me. All the selfishness, neglect and disrespect she has shown towards me and our older son (future scapegoat I'm afraid) has really changed the way I see her. I can forgive how she treats me, my friends or my family but I cannot forgive when she causes harm to our kids.