Hi BPDmom99,
I do not have any experience raising a child with borderline personality disorder (BPD) so take my ideas/feedback with a grain of salt (neither am I a professional in mental health for that matter). But my understanding of BPD is that their disorder feelings (i.e. imagined abandonment/betrayal/denigration) seem to be triggered (or exacerbated) by feelings of intimacy/closeness/familiarity (like family).
Historically with him, she presents as "good" and holds herself together - until she can't. Then she comes back with me, crashes and lets all of her emotion out on me ... .which she is not comfortable doing with dad.
As you wrote, she is "not comfortable" with dad. And that distance and unfamiliarity serves as a limit to the disordered feelings she experiences while with him. It also helps that dad has maintained a physical distance by not having lived with daughter during the last year. My expectation is that this will change as she spends more time with her father -- and perhaps as she starts (if she starts) to feel more "comfortable" with dad.
She has always had a rocky relationship with me - I am the one she comes to when she needs help, and I am also the one she comes to when she wants to rage against someone.
This may not seem intuitively obvious but she has a rocky relationship with you, in part because she feels more able to come to you when she needs help. The disordered feelings she experiences makes her more apt to rage against you.
The result? In her dad's words "she is doing great!" She appears to be getting through school days, having no meltdowns, going out with friends all of the time and has even asked to play soccer again.
I know that everything I have read says to be very wary of sudden changes of improvement with those with BPD. This improvement has been unlike any period we have seen.
My understanding (and my experience with my BPD loved ones) is that if you can keep you distance (i.e. not be too emotionally connected) and maintain a more formal dynamic (as opposed to a familial dynamic) then you are less likely to trigger their disordered feelings. I'm guessing that if dad can maintain being the distance parent -- more like caregiver or authority figure, then your daughter may experience less of her disordered feelings when it comes to interacting with dad. All bets are off when it comes to her close peer relationships.
I would expect this to change as she naturally grows more comfortable and feels "at home" in her new environment. Then I would expect her to slowly act out more.
So two things- I am concerned about this sudden change to "better" and what an inevitable crash will look like. In the past, I was always the one who noticed that she wasn't doing well and intervened to get her help. Whereas her dad doesn't have that awareness.
I wouldn't be concerned about her "change to better"; I would consider it a respite from her usual drama. The inevitable crash may come slowly or may come suddenly depending on how she is managing (or not managing) the disordered feelings I would expect her to experience as she settles in to her new environment.
My second thing that I am selfishly concerned with is why she can appear to be doing so much "better" when she is not in my care? I am the one who has always fought to get her the help she needs, who has read up on BPD. I have also done my own therapy and worked hard to put up boundaries to not take the verbal abuse from her. Yet at the end of the day - it appears that the only factor in this positive change in her is that she isn't around me.
I understand that you have made a great deal of effort for her to get help for her disorder. Keep in mind that for many people with BPD (pwBPD) denial and avoidance seems to be a preferred coping mechanism for their issues.
The limits/boundaries you put on her behavior is healthy and necessary for the loved ones of pwBPD, but they are bound to make things less comfortable for pwBPD because it forces the pwBPD to face the disorder feelings which also overwhelm them.
I imagine what you are seeing as "positive change" is the equivalent of the "honeymoon period" that many nonBPD experience with their BPD loved ones.
As much as I can rationalize and understand her illness- especially the splitting and the projection that she exhibits towards me - how can I not take this personally as her mother?
Life doesn't get any more personal than issues that effect family and home. I don't think you should take her behavior personally because I believe an usual expression of her disorder: "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by *alternating* between extremes of idealization and devaluation." What you are observing is the "idealization" part of her relationship with her father. It will alternate.
Most days I can distance myself and take this time to take care of myself- but I wish I could truly understand that her only way to improvement is to not be around me.
It hurts my momma heart.
The only way towards a true recovery/improvement from this disorder only happens when the pwBPD takes ownership of their disorder and applies non-destructive/non-avoidance coping mechanisms to manage their own disordered feelings. All other "apparent" improvement in their behavior may only be another expression of their disorder.
I hope some of what I wrote helps you.
Best wishes,
Schwing
