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Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
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Brené Brown, PhD
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Author Topic: You need the tools you learned.  (Read 332 times)
Huh?
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« on: March 15, 2017, 11:49:21 PM »

I know I did.  I don't know if it's just me, and I don't know the statistics for the amount of people that are suffering from sort of antisocial personality disorder... .but the last 10 years of my life have been filled with a revolving door of textbook BPD/NPD relationships... .both personally and professionally.

My first real relationship was with an overt NPD woman who was proud of being a "___" and believe me, she was.  She was abusive and cheated.

After that I went to a Cluster B I met online, she was the one that brought me to this board 6 years ago after she cheated... .she was like a tornado, I've never experienced anything like that before.

My last ex, a covert waif/hermit I was introduced to; in summary... .craziest relationship of them all because she strung me along while she was cheating and I allowed it until I finally had proof.

Because of my experience in my relationships... .I'm better at picking up on clues in my professional relationships.  My last three bosses... .

1st Boss.  Serial cheater.  Bragged, "I like to use people (referring to one of his mistresss at the time)"  He did, he tried to with me... .I left.
2nd Boss.   Serial cheater.  Bragged, "Im good at manipulating people"... .Me, "You are huh?" Him, "oh well, not you... .just other people."  The guy was nuts... .I had to move on when he was asking me to commit insurance fraud in between him sleeping with our boss on lunch break.
3rd Boss.  I brought up the subject of sociopaths once, she immediately blurted out, "IM A SOCIOPATH!"  I was like um, okay?  She hit on me right before her divorce in which she was fleecing her ex husband.  Once I made it clear I wasn't interested, she asked me if I had any single friends that she could divorce and take their stuff too.  She was in a new relationship almost immediately.  

It's a scary world out there.  People will tell you EXACTLY who they are... .and they will do it quickly... .you just have to LISTEN.  However, It's easier to do it in a professional setting because your heart isn't involved.

The last ten years have taught me a lot... about people, and boundaries.  I'm an empath, and disordered people tend to be attracted to people like that... .so they can use them to fill whatever void they are missing... .or get resources, etc.

I'm dumb in that I've made the same mistake over and over again romantically, even though I've known the red flags.  However, in my professional and inter personal relationships... .It's a lot easier to walk away once those "anti social" red flags start appearing.

So my point in this post, it sucks that weve gone through the hurt, confusion and pain that parallels and follows a BPD relationship... .but in the end, we are equipped with a set of tools that not a lot of people have.  I know I didn't 10 years ago.   Most people still have no idea what a personality disorder is.

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results... .in my case this is true.  Moving forward I am using the tools I have learned, LISTENING to the people I'm talking to and when they subconsciously tell me to stay away, I'm staying away.

Either I'm a unique case, or there are more disordered people out there walking around than we are aware of... .I'm betting it's the latter.  Thank your ex for helping you identify them.


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stimpy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 209


« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2017, 06:12:07 PM »

Thanks for the post Huh? and I agree with the sentiments you have written.

After my discard, I went on a google search binge to try and work out what on earth had just happened to me. I had never heard of personality disorders, BPD, NPD, ASPD etc... .But as I googled her various behaviour traits as a variety of search terms, so the answers started coming back and that is how I found this site. And during that time of researching, I came across something that I thought odd at the time... .that if I tried to use the learning, that I would come out onto the other side, a wiser, stronger person, with new tools to help you navigate the world. Like what does that mean!

But it is true. Small example. I went on a date a couple of weeks ago, with a woman who was well liked, she seemed a popular and likeable ... .and yet... .

20 minutes into the date, she mentions that she dated a diagnosed psychopath for two years, involving threats of violence including a knife being held to her throat. Crikey. Then later we got talking about a mutual friend... .and she said that he had tried to date her and went into considerable detail of how he had tried to kiss her (and failed apparently) and how bad this guy was at dating. Then she describes herself as a "people pleaser" and that she had had to look after her sister when she was a child.

So before I met my exBPDgf, I would have thought, wow, poor girl, that sounds terrible and I would have felt special that she told me all this stuff so soon.

Now I think... .hmmmmm... .this sounds dangerous, she is demonstrating lots of pity play, lots of victimhood, some triangulation, no self analysis other than that she is a people pleaser.

Have I contacted her again... .no. And I think that is the right decision. Before learning about personality disorders and so on, I may well have done.

Interestingly, I talked to a friend of mine about her, to get his opinion as well (he doesn't know her) and I quoted the Einstein quote that you did in your post.

As regards bosses, yeah, there has been some analysis of this and there is an over representation of people with personality disorders in senior management of companies (so I've read anyway), and I agree that the incidence of personality disorders is underrepresented in the statistics. It is supposed to be maybe 5% for all of them combined. I'd say it is closer to 10% based on personal experience and looking back over my life so far (55 years). But then I also know that I am perhaps hyper vigilant to people's behaviour and I may also be over analysing situations and people, I guess to make sure I don't get hurt again.
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Huh?
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« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2017, 08:59:00 PM »

Wow you really dodge a bullet with that woman!  Smiling (click to insert in post). It's sad because like you say, you feel sorry for her... .but you have to see the signs and look out for yourself!  Even if she wasn't disordered, I don't think a normal, healthy person mentions such a traumatic past on a first date.  I mean, we've all been through crap... .but it seems like she was setting you up to be the rescuer... .which we all know where that leads... .disordered make themselves unrescuable.

My recent ex fiancé, on our first date, I knew all the questions to ask and what signs to look for because of the woman That brought me here six years ago.  She literally answered all the questions wrong! (Abusive ex, poor family relationships, ability to cut off own mother for years) yet I did the opposite of you, I disregarded the red flags and carried on into 5 years of on and off/push pull hell.


Good job on learning from your mistakes, I hope I do the same moving forward.  Actually, I know I will... .if I ever get the desire to date again.  I'm tired... .I just want to lay down and enjoy the peace and quiet for the next decade or so. Smiling (click to insert in post)

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stimpy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 209


« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2017, 07:51:56 PM »

She literally answered all the questions wrong! (Abusive ex, poor family relationships, ability to cut off own mother for years)

Uncanny - did we date the same woman? I didn't even ask the questions of my expwBPDgf - she just couldn't resist telling me EXCACTLY the same of her relationships - exactly the same... .

As for being tired and not wanting to date and enjoying the peace... .yeah I totally get that, I'm out dating a little, but nothing serious. Though I've been messaging and occasionally meeting a girl for the last 7 months - just friends at the moment (talk about a slow burn!) and maybe something will come of that. She seems nice... .
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Huh?
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« Reply #4 on: March 17, 2017, 08:22:07 PM »

Uncanny - did we date the same woman? I didn't even ask the questions of my expwBPDgf - she just couldn't resist telling me EXCACTLY the same of her relationships - exactly the same... .

As for being tired and not wanting to date and enjoying the peace... .yeah I totally get that, I'm out dating a little, but nothing serious. Though I've been messaging and occasionally meeting a girl for the last 7 months - just friends at the moment (talk about a slow burn!) and maybe something will come of that. She seems nice... .


Haha, you never know with these disordered people.  Her entire family (even extended, male and female) display these traits; single moms, multiple marriages, new quarterly relationships, etd.   My ex fiancé's single mom older sister makes it a habit of juggling three men at once, to extract resources, attention, etc.   My waif/hermit ex sold herself as the black sheep of the family, the good girl with constant conflict against her evil oppressors... .I was to rescuer from that situation.  I was blocked, deleted, and outcasted from her family eventually... .when I tried once to mediate the constant chaos and triangulation that happened between the family members... .there was always a common enemy, it rotated frequently.  Eventually, I learned to keep to myself... .but it was to late for me... .I was not longer welcome.   Anyways she was just like them, having cheated on me herself.  There's just no winning.

Hell, even the weekend I proposed... .took her on a special trip, after I asked her she wouldn't stop talking about how her sisters didn't "like" her ring picture on facebook, they weren't calling her or her "congratulations", and how her mom now hated me because I only asked her dad permission.  The whole 3 hour ride home... .hours after I proposed, I listened to this.  :)amn, so many times I shoulda walked away!


It's amazing how they all act the same, it's all about latching onto an empath and pretending to need rescue to meet their needs.  I'm just not that guy anymore... .I don't have the energy or stamina.  Much better to pull the ripcord and bail early now once the writing is on the wall.

Good luck with your new relationship! Slower is better.  I wish you the best!
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