Parent with BPD cries all the time. Why?

[Amy25]

My parent with BPD cries constantly. I don't live with her but her husband tells me that she cries constantly about the pain I have caused her. How can I help her?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Amy25:

I'm sorry your mom had BPD.  I hear that you care about her.  It has to be hard that she appears to being trying to make you feel guilty for you life choices.  Healthy adults make their own life choices, to do otherwise would signify a codependency problem.

My parent absolutely hates my personal life choices. She thinks I am choosing who I love just to cause her pain. She says I am doing on purpose to hurt her. She is not able to focus on anything else in life besides that right now. It is extremely difficult to go on living normally when she makes me feel so guilty for it. I wish I could help her. I wish she didn't see everything so black and white

Reading about FOG - (DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT), can be helpful for you

My parent with BPD cries constantly. I don't live with her but her husband tells me that she cries constantly about the pain I have caused her. How can I help her?    

Is your mom getting any treatment for her BPD.  :)epression commonly accompanies BPD. Could depression be part of the problem?  Sometime hormonal issues join in with other problems and make them worse.  :)oes your stepfather try to lay guilt on you as well?  I'm thinking he is, because of the reference to "you causing her pain"

It's not a matter of you causing her pain, but of her choice to make herself miserable because she can't make you do what she wants.  SETTING BOUNDARIES  will be helpful for you.  Boundaries are for your benefit and protection.  It is up to you to consistently enforce them.  

VALIDATION is one skill you can try with her.  Validation isn't about agreeing with someone's opinion or position on something.  It is about acknowledging their feelings.  What can be more important than Validating is to NOT invalidate.

SET (Support, Empathy and Truth) is a communication skill you might want to try.  You let her know that you want to support her in some way that you feel comfortable with. Empathy is basically the same as Validation and Truth is just what it says.  

Has something happened recently to make things worse with your mom?  How were things with your mom while you were growing up?

I look forward to hearing more of your story.  

[Amy25]

Thank you for the suggestions. I will continue new approaches. To answer a few of your questions, my childhood was great. However I am the youngest of my siblings and I have always been the root cause of most of her BPD phases. The most recent incident that has driven her up the wall is that I am getting married. She has never liked the man for 6 years now. I held off marrying him because of how difficult it is to deal with her and me not wanting to upset her more. Yes depression is a big issue with her. She has been going to therapy for years. It is still difficult.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi again Amy25:   

Congrats on your upcoming wedding.   

my childhood was great. However I am the youngest of my siblings and I have always been the root cause of most of her BPD phases.   

What makes you say that you were the root cause?  Sometimes hormonal changes, or just getting older can make depression and anxiety more pronounced and hence the BPD worse.

The most recent incident that has driven her up the wall is that I am getting married. She has never liked the man for 6 years now   

Weddings seem to be traumatic events for mothers or MIL's with BPD.  I think part of it is a fear of abandonment.  I'm sure your mom would find something wrong with whoever you marry.  Is your father in the picture?

[Sunfl0wer]

I would be careful to not respond based on what her H tells you.  She may be "waifing" to him for him to rescue her and also triangulate you.

Likely, this crying has a lot to do with her dynamic between her and her husband.  Since this is where it is happening.

I would not assume that changing your level of involvement, to respond to allieviate her sadness, will in fact alleviate any of her sadness.

Honestly, if it were me, I would set a boundary around her husband sharing such things with me and it would cause me to disengage from those talks.  Cause she is an adult, he is an adult, and if my behavior is not actually mean to anyone, then imo, good boundaries to me says they got an interpersonal issue they can handle without me, not actually about me.  

Cause imo the issue I identify is NOT: Amy25 makes her mom sad
Rather: Amy25 has a FIL that is parentifying her, a waif behaving mom who could learn some self soothing skills vs victimizing herself.

Imo, folks who react to persons creating the idea that they are being victims of their lifes, their feelings, help enabke the narrative that the person is helpless, vs able to make choices to behave differently. 

Just my three cents tho.