Coming up for air

[dumped_dad]

Hi, everyone--

Last April, on her 40th birthday, after nearly 15 years of marriage, my BPD wife told me she was divorcing me. We're in the still the process because she put off retaining an attorney, getting a job, and finding her own place (she incorrectly assumed I would voluntarily move out of the house). It's been a rough road, but this week has been a special version of hell:

• I called her on Sunday morning to tell her our older son needed to go to the ER and to ask her to watch our younger son. She replied that she could not because she "wasn't at [her] house," i.e., was sleeping elsewhere. I had to impose on my parents yet again for emergency child care. Note that since we started splitting custody, she has consistently refused to take on any "extra" time with the kids, while I have absorbed countless days of "extra" to help her. She refuses any form of reciprocity. She seems to be losing interest in parenting as our boys get older, although she HAD to have them as babies RIGHT AWAY CAN'T WAIT MY LIFE WILL BE RUINED FOREVER IF YOU DON'T GET ME PREGNANT THIS MONTH.
• I learned a day later that the reason she "couldn't" watch our younger son was because she and her boyfriend of obviously long duration had tickets to--wait for it--the Home and Garden Show. The fact that she had a boyfriend, let alone a "relationship," only two months after moving out of our house (unless it started earlier) really knocked me for a loop.
• She had the gall to complain to me about how her new job is interfering with her life. Backstory: For the past 13 years, from the time she was laid off when about seven weeks pregnant with our first child, she decided to be a "stay-at-home mom" while I continued to work. Despite numerous stress illnesses, layoffs, and other life-disrupting events, she refused to consider even the possibility of finding work outside the home to help out. Instead, she constantly yelled at me that I was spending too much of MY salary in ways she didn't like.
• She complained to me how the state is "screwing with" disbursing the support payments that I started making all of two weeks ago.

I'm finally starting to regain my mental footing after several days of all-caps DRAMA, but it's been a crazy ride. I finally went back to reading Walking on Eggshells after a several-month hiatus; I started it last year but made it only to about page 50 before having to put it down in tears at recognition. Today I made it far enough in the book to learn about BPDCentral. So, hi!

Thanks for reading. I'm sure none of this will surprise the veterans here, but it's been rough going the past year on my own.

[Mutt]

Hi dumped_dad,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry to hear that you're going a difficult time, your poor son, is everything alright with him? I can relate with how emotionally distressing it is when we're in the process of divorcing a pwBPD, divorce is difficult on it's own merits but when your partner has abandonment fears and sees things in black and white, it's on a different level. It helps to talk to people that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support.

I see some similarities with your story and mine, I was supporting the house hold and I also recall doing the majority of household chores when my ex was a SAHM, so I can understand how emotionally exausting that feels and how much anxiety you can feel from the emotional eruptions from a pwBPD. There is hope, I'm happy to hear that you read walking on eggshells, I'd like to encourage you to read as much as you can about BPD, it help you with healing, court, and coparenting when you understand the basic psychology and the reasons why your STBX acts the way that she does, I'd like to suggest some books that I found helpful but read as much as you like.

I'd suggest that you start to jot things down when your ex is stepping out of bounds, for example if you can show to the judge that you watch the kids for the majority of the time it will grant you more time with the kids, it may even give you primary custody if you they spend almost all of their time with. I'm not a lawyer, so I would suggest that you get legal advice from one if you don't already have one.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT

Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified

[livednlearned]

it's been rough going the past year on my own.

The first year of divorcing can be brutal.

I remember the feeling of dread just seeing my ex's email address pop up. During the worst stretch, I forwarded ex's emails to a friend and she would screen them.

How old are the kids? How are they doing? They must know on some level she is emotionally checking out.

Hang in there and keep posting.

People here carried me through the darkest hours. It really helped to know I wasn't alone.

[ForeverDad]

Randi Kreger is co-author with William A Eddy on Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It is one of our best and most essential handbooks.  Divorce can be a minefield for those of us Nice Guys and Nice Gals who want to be nice but find it exposes us to unsuspected risks.

You lament she's not helping you with parenting emergencies.  Many here would envy your situation, that you have an Ex more inclined to wander away into adult relationships than parenting.  We've faced ex-spouses who don't recognize that the children are not extensions of themselves and are determined to block our parenting as much as possible.

I'm not saying it's good that she's preoccupied with her life and not supportive of parenting.  I'm just saying you may not want the hands dealt to other members here, where the parenting was virtually blocked, faced serious allegations of DV or child abuse, etc.  Still, I agree, it's a raw deal for us and the kids no matter how the disordered spouse or ex-spouse behaves.