Daughter has BPD, is in hospital

[n.london]

Hi, I am new to this. Currently I am feeling a bit down. My daughter is in hospital a long way away and has been for a couple of years now. She'll be 18 in a few months and will hopefully be placed nearer and in a suitable theraputic inpatients unit which specialise in BPD. Recently, I haven't been coping as well as I normally do. Just feel so drained. What do you do when they get upset over something and there's no calming them down? This is taking place a few times a week and over the phone it's hard. She can't/doesn't want to cope in some situations and I can't make her feel better. I listen to her, validate her feelings and emotions. It never gets heated or out of control but listening to her crying, saying nothing for hours is doing my head in and to be totally honest, a bit of my patience too. Any advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[7babies]

Hugs to you. Listening to them cry and being unable to comfort them is a very helpless feeling.  I try to breathe and accept but that is often easier said than done. I'm sorry it is weighing on you.

[Gorges]

I think there is something that has happened in our culture which sends a message to parents/teacher/caregivers that we are completely responsible for our children/students/charges.

You might be able to do things that help your daughter calm down, but ultimately, she is responsible for calming herself down, not you.

Anyone would be tired if they took on the burdens that you described.   I know one of the BPD books recommended on this website had a lot of information on setting boundaries.   I believe you can give your daughter a limited amount of time on the phone, during a time that you feel up for it.

You have to take care or yourself.   The lesson you teach your daughter by doing this is more powerful than the lesson you teach her by putting an unrealistic expectation on yourself.
  Take care.

[bpdmom99]

Your post hit home to me, as I think there are many of us who have been in similar situations.  You mention that your conversations with your daughter don't get "heated or out of control".  Chances are, if they were in some ways it would be easier to say "if you are going to continue to speak with me that way, I am going to have to discontinue our conversation."  However - tears and sadness are more difficult to set boundaries on.

I know that one of the things our care team/hospital staff have really helped work with me and my daughter on is setting boundaries around our conversations.  There are only set times/situations where she is supposed to contact me.  This was to encourage her to use her supports around her.  Also, what was happening in our case was that I was becoming an easy 'coping mechanism' for my daughter, since she could call me and let it all out on me ... .which included rage and anger as well as sadness ... .instead of trying to use some of the DBT skills she has learned.  When I understood it that way, it helped me to see that my conversations with her were not necessarily just being the helpful, listening ear that I thought she needed to help her through situations.  Instead, I was able to see that sometimes my listening/sticking-it-out was actually hindering her from using other skills.  And when I understood that, I was better equipped to put up the boundaries that I needed to.  I could see that in the long run it would help her out as well ... .probably even moreso than me just feeling like I need to be the validating/listening ear that she required.

Having said all of that - it really is important that you take care of yourself.  It sounds like you sense that, but aren't quite sure how.  That is what I am still figuring out for myself as well.  But being aware of your own mental health is the first important step.  And I agree with Gorges as well.  One of the best gifts we can give our children is letting them know that we are caring for ourselves so that they are freed up to care for themselves. 

Thanks for posting.  We're all here on this journey together ... .!