Setting appropriate boundaries when BPD conjures fictitious stories.

[breakfreerut]

here's a practical boundary case I have to come up with soon with my BPD wife:

 we have only 1 car, she has monopolized it.
She has been using it for the whole of last year.  The car that I paid for with my own money.  The car that she said she was going to pay the gap when I sold my manual car but hasn't done so.

Coming up in April, I need to use the car for 2 days over the weekend away with my choir.  I've already told her and given her my schedule in Jan.  Now she comes and tell me to go find someone to car pool with because she wants to use it to go grocery shopping and to church with.  I told her, the shopping is only 1 km away, why can't she walk there?  As for church, why can't she ask someone to give her a lift just for 1 day?

NOW my practical question, as to apply an execute a boundary:
Should I continue to persist and use the car anyway? This is cause another huge fight. 
If I back down, I'm only telling her that I can be continued to be stepped all over again.  Just like for the last 5.5 years that I've been doing so.

So I have to do something different now.
Car servicing, car insurance, and registrations are coming up very soon.
The car is registered under her name.

Should I tell her that if I cannot use the car just for 2 days over a YEAR then I will not pay the Car servicing, car insurance, and registrations that's coming up soon. 

Is this a good boundary to execute? 

She's now got my message about the use of the car from Sat-Mon and she's

now made up stories about how I'm seeing another woman!

I kept silent.  I know she's just picking a fight.  But my heart is pounding inside

wanting so much to fight.  My mind knows so well where this will lead to if I

engage.

I need your answers soon.

If you have another idea, please do tell me.

Just found and this article confirms it yet again (among many many others):

"But your BPD partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts, details, and play on your insecurities to a point where fabrications are believable to you. It's a complex defense mechanism, a type of denial, and a common characteristic of the disorder."
www.https://bpdfamily.org/2010/12/leaving-person-with-borderline_28.html

So what's the solution?

[formflier]

The car is registered under her name.

There is your answer... .

Her car... .her responsibility.  

Your need for transportation... your responsibility.  

So... .you guys can either work out a written schedule that works... .(written so nobody forgets)... .or get your own rides.

If it were me... .I would not pay for a car I am not able to use.  Especially with all the attitude you seem to be getting.

Don't give her attitude back.  This is a simple issue... .not a big emotional thing.  If she wants to be emotional... .that is her choice.  You choose to solve a problem and move on.

FF

[breakfreerut]

There is your answer... .

Her car... .her responsibility.  

Your need for transportation... your responsibility.  

So... .you guys can either work out a written schedule that works... .(written so nobody forgets)... .or get your own rides.

If it were me... .I would not pay for a car I am not able to use.  Especially with all the attitude you seem to be getting.

Don't give her attitude back.  This is a simple issue... .not a big emotional thing.  If she wants to be emotional... .that is her choice.  You choose to solve a problem and move on.

FF

I can understand the first 2 lines. But the car is technically mine since I paid for it.  I also paid for the insurance, registration and maintenance.  However, since she was going to drive the car most of the time for last year until I sold mine, I registered it under her name.  Otherwise, if she was caught on camera, the fines will come to me.

My manual car was sold only last month.  It took me 1 full year to sell it and haven't been driving it since last year.  When the auto car was bought for her, she agreed to pay the difference when my manual car was sold.  But now she changed her mind and starts pulling emotional blackmail on me!  What sort of an ungrateful being this is... not even a dog would do such a thing.

Especially when I'm in real need of the car for only 2 days over the weekend for my choir presentation out of state. ... .and she calls it "unfair for her" - in her own words.

She told me to go ask someone from my choir members to car pool with... .which I did because I just hate this stupid squabble.  I have since found someone from my choir who potentially is able to car pool me.

I just wonder if I had done the right thing?  Or am I just feeding her BPD behaviours?

[ohmygod]

formflier gave you a simple answer - don't pay for what you are not allowed to use. If it is your car just take the damn keys man quite simple. Instead you keep on talking what she wants and doesnt want. What about you? What do you want? She is acting like a bully and until you peacefully but firmly stop being afraid of her she ain't gonna stop.

[GaGrl]

Actually, if you bought and paid for the car and yet registered it under her name, technically it is now a gift. You were played.

[formflier]

Yeah... .unfortunately I thing "played like the symphony" fits here... .

That being said, don't go to the next concert.  Seriously... .it is that simple.

The other decision is to figure out if you are going to stay through the intermission at the current concert or if it is time to head home, knowing you won't get a refund on your ticket.

Music wasn't to your liking... .make a better choice next time.  That's the end of it.

Cars and registration was a big deal in my marriage for a while.  Took me a time or two to figure out that it wasn't about the car at all.  It was more about her grabbing control or having control... .or having me chase a bar that she kept moving.  I say this to illustrate that we can all get played... .or end up in a circular argument and it very well may take a time or two around the circle to figure it out.

Don't beat yourself up about what you didn't know at the time.  Much more important to focus on what you do know and follow through with appropriate action going forward.  Let the past stay there... .

Couple questions:  Is the "title" of the car (names actually on the car title) different than what is on the registration (her name only)?

I'm trying to think through if there is anyway to solve control over the car from an ownership point of view before moving on to other ways to separate yourself from the vehicle.

Hang in there!

FF