BPD/NPD daughter coming to visit first time in 3 months W/grandkids HELP

[abcdef1]

Hey my BPD  daughter has been NC for awhile and suddenly decided to come today with the kids to visit us. Need advice and guidance am very nervous since the last time I saw her she was in a crazy rage and stormed out of here saying we deserved to lose her... please give help and guidance. We really miss those grandkids (NOT her) and dont want to mess up... HELP!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi abcdef1

I'd try to keep in the moment and breath calmly, it appears that she's moved on by visiting you.

I hope it goes well and you enjoy your time with your GCs, let us know how you get on 

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi there abcdef1

I know you've found it extremely hard being in no contact. It sounds as if your husbands feeling that your daughter needed some space was exactly right.  Your patience has paid off.  

It's nerve wracking isn't it, that initial feeling of meeting up again. The worry and fear that goes with it.  Fortunately, you've got those lovely grandchildren to focus on to help your conversations along.

WD gives good advice and try and stay in the moment. I'd be light as a fairy, trying to make sure everybody is busy and happy. Your daughter must be feeling emotional too. Your grandkids will have missed you so enjoy the visit. Everybody just wants to be loved, together and this is a gift. It doesn't matter how long they stay, try and not have any expectations, the important thing is that they want to return.

You've learnt a lot on the forum and understand your daughter can't help her behaviour.  You're learning not to react to her and there's a lot you can do to keep the atmosphere friendly, loving and supportive.  Gently goes. 

Time to bake a cake!

Good luck and please let us know how you've gone on.

LP

[abcdef1]

It actually went very well. she came in with an attitude, but we ignored her disrespect and were light and airy. Played with kids and finally she came around. Actually shared what was going on in her life and caught us up. Left later than she said she would bc we were busy talking. went to mall, came home, all in all very nice day. But very nervewracking... waiting for explosion... .thank God for those kids. Was so nice to see them! They are pure joy and love.

[Lollypop]

Hi abcdef1

Well done to you and your husband! Such wonderful news that it went so well.

I was quite amazed when I demonstrated the behaviours I want to see and then my BPD started to demonstrate them back without him realising.

Your daughter was anxious and maybe testing you and you didn't react. You behaved beautifully and created a warm atmosphere and it calmed her. I'm thrilled for you and you've got something to build on.

Keep on learning communication and validation skills to help you along, good to arm yourself for those challenges that will crop up.   

Baby steps and gently go. Continue to take care of yourselves.

LP