No, it never stops

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have not been on the forums in a while but I had to come back based on this afternoon's events.

Long story short, divorced uBPDw in 2014 after 26 year marriage, 3 kids currently D23, S21, S19, who all pretty much came with me.   No CS, no SS, I just take of things for kids.   I think I am still recovering and have dated just a little but honestly enjoying life.  Ex has been through about 10+ relationships so I am told, but don't really care.  She is on her 3rd job since the divorce, of course blaming me for all the bad things in her life.

In 2 plus years since the divorce, she has basically managed to alienate all the kids by constantly posting negative stuff about me on Facebook, etc.  It has gotten to the point where she has told them she has cancer and none of them believe her.

I have blocked phone and text communications but not email.  Generally, emails are about once a month and usually end with her making some snarky comment.  Today she emails and says please listen to blocked voicemail message she left me, which was basically hey I need to go back in hospital and I cannot find anyone to watch my dogs, and cannot afford the kennel since I quit my job again.  Can you get one of the kids to call me so I can get them to watch the dogs?  D23 and S19 live out of town and S21 who lives in town has basically cut off ties due to her constantly running down my name to anyone who will listen.

Because I feel bad for dogs, I do at least pass message along to S21 who has zero interest in helping, feeling like he is being used.  Must be some truth to story I suppose, because EX then proceeds to get her father (kids grandfather) who has chosen not to see them in like 10 plus years and lives out of the country to call kids to try and guilt them into helping.  Sigh. 

Some days it is hard to feel like a compassionate human, when I know I could easily help, either by watching dogs or even paying the kennel bill, which I would do for a stranger down on their luck.  However I also know that any act of kindness will only be rewarded with meanness and a price to pay down the road.   I do really despise BPD.

[ugghh]

I have not been on the forums in a while but I had to come back based on this afternoon's events.

Long story short, divorced uBPDw in 2014 after 26 year marriage, 3 kids currently D23, S21, S19, who all pretty much came with me.   No CS, no SS, I just take of things for kids.   I think I am still recovering and have dated just a little but honestly enjoying life.  Ex has been through about 10+ relationships so I am told, but don't really care.  She is on her 3rd job since the divorce, of course blaming me for all the bad things in her life.

In 2 plus years since the divorce, she has basically managed to alienate all the kids by constantly posting negative stuff about me on Facebook, etc.  It has gotten to the point where she has told them she has cancer and none of them believe her.

I have blocked phone and text communications but not email.  Generally, emails are about once a month and usually end with her making some snarky comment.  Today she emails and says please listen to blocked voicemail message she left me, which was basically hey I need to go back in hospital and I cannot find anyone to watch my dogs, and cannot afford the kennel since I quit my job again.  Can you get one of the kids to call me so I can get them to watch the dogs?  D23 and S19 live out of town and S21 who lives in town has basically cut off ties due to her constantly running down my name to anyone who will listen.

Because I feel bad for dogs, I do at least pass message along to S21 who has zero interest in helping, feeling like he is being used.  Must be some truth to story I suppose, because EX then proceeds to get her father (kids grandfather) who has chosen not to see them in like 10 plus years and lives out of the country to call kids to try and guilt them into helping.  Sigh. 

Some days it is hard to feel like a compassionate human, when I know I could easily help, either by watching dogs or even paying the kennel bill, which I would do for a stranger down on their luck.  However I also know that any act of kindness will only be rewarded with meanness and a price to pay down the road.   I do really despise BPD.

[Sluggo]

Ugghh,

Glad to hear that you are enjoying life.  Nice to hear as I am in the final stages of a divorce of 18years. 

As you already know, it would be easy to take that on as your problem.  But it is not your problem.  There are neighbors, friends, etc.  It probably would pull you back in.  Trust your gut. 

 

[kentavr3]

Looks like you want to continue this dance. Once you clear up with yourself and make a decisions for yourself to detach from this woman, she'll stop asking you. In this case let her contact your kids personally. Don't be a messenger. do not cover your weakness to say "no" by "humanity" and etc. BS. She attracts your attention and she gets your attention. If your kids complains you that she alienates you against them, tell your kids that Mom is a weak woman and you know that this problem exists.

[bravhart1]

I can understand. I feel much like you do about my SD's BPDmom.

It can be very hard when sitting in church to hear how God puts people in our lives for us to find a way to love them. Really?  It tears me apart watching how she puts herself before her child. Her child is hurt and confused everyday by moms actions, how do I love that?

I am having a hard time with that. I wish she were better, healed, normal. I actually DO pray she gets treatment and is able to have a relationship with her child (but only a healthy one).

But how do I live with the anger and disgust of her actions, AND be a loving charitable person with compassion? ANY act of help or compassion to our BPDm is seen as admitting guilt or wrong doing or weakness and makes our lives harder than before. Hard to reconcile those two things, would love to know how to do it.

I think you are right to stay out of her drama. Let your children decide for themselves, they are old enough, and it seems better at seeing her troubles as her own.
Best of luck!

[Dutched]

Some resonates to me Ugghh after being there 30+ yrs. 

That alienation for instance.  Reading about it and in hindsight that already started in the r/s., and Cluster B’s are masters in using parentification.
So D, meanwhile 25yrs, I haven’t seen her for 5 yrs.
D, meanwhile 22yrs. Lived afterwards with me, visiting mom. But was drawn into her ‘make believe world’ and started to lye and made up stories about us (son and I in my house) to his mom. Resulting me distrusting son.
So, ‘sweet words are magical’…

On the hand, exw herself indeed tried to use me several times afterwards.
Refusing to sign to take over her car insurance (as my no claim discount was much higher)
Asking son if any de-makeup cotton were left in my house and if so to get it for her!, That was after a year.
Exw arranging an appointment for son, expecting me to take him there, while it was her day off as son told me…

That push pull
‘leave me alone – but don’t abandon me’
‘I don’t need you – but stay around’

As you, I was very alert on not being used, however as you, from a compassionate human view one could say ‘why not, it is just helping’.
We remember the destructing caused, with that the fear of being sucked into the next no win situation.
It not seen as helping out and being thankful.
It is seen as I am in need so you need to help me.

You have had enough of that. 

[bob88]

Brother, I feel ya,

I'm back on the boards after 26 years of marriage and 7 years of divorce, and under attack this very morning.

The kids come to their own equilibrium ... .S20 and S17, so no worries there, but I am amazed at ex's ability to find my weak spot.  Oddly enough, her new husband (or, as I call him, "That poor dumb ass" is a great comfort to me, as I know he will take the brunt of her evil.

It is good to get on the boards and know you are not alone.

Bob