Breaking point after 3 phone calls this morning

[Aug88]

Hi all,

I came here yesterday and read a few posts about setting boundaries, it all seems really helpful. Thank you.

But this morning has been a nightmare. My Mum is BPD.

My 18 year old brother is living with me since my Mum kicked him out 5 months ago. I'm 28 and have a 1 bed flat. He is on 7k a year and can't afford the £380 a month for a room somewhere.

Last night he come home after passing out and hitting him head. I called 111, had the ambulance here and they said it just needs to be glued asap, but all fine other than that. I drove him to A&E,we were there until 4.30pm.

This morning my Mum calls me, I tell her what happened. And her reaction is to scream at me, shout at me, tell me to not bother for Mothers day because I don't deserve one. She was like this because I didn't inform her about my brother. My brother and her aren't speaking.

I then get a call from my Uncle (her brother) telling me that I should have called her and she's in tears... .I then get a call from my Nan too.

All telling me how I'm in the wrong, that I should have called my Mum. Firstly, my Mum has just refused to go to counselling with me, my brother is an adult so he knew who he wanted there, and if I had called her he wouldn't have wanted her there.

I feel barraged by them, over whelmed, tired and I feel like I've done the best I could without causing drama. No one had called him to see if he is OK.

Right now, I don't want to speak to any of them I've kept my cool for ages, but just lost it on the phone with my Nan (she is 83) and I just had to say all the things my mum has done... .but she doesn't believe any of it.

I'm normally so calm and never loose it. I just can't take it anymore. These last 6 months have been awful.

Right now, I feel like the bad person writing all of this. Maybe I am. I just thought i was doing the right thing.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Aug88:  
I'm sorry about your recent situation, but I'm glad your brother will be okay.  You are a good sister to let your brother stay with you and to support his wishes.  

Sorry you mom made such a bid deal over it.  Most normal people would put it into perspective and recognize that although it was an alarming situation, you brother got patched up and it wasn't serious.  Was your brother doing some partying/drinking that may have caused him to pass out, or could there be a medical issue that precipitated his fall?

This morning my Mum calls me, I tell her what happened. And her reaction is to scream at me, shout at me, tell me to not bother for Mothers day because I don't deserve one. She was like this because I didn't inform her about my brother. My brother and her aren't speaking. . .I then get a call from my Uncle (her brother) telling me that I should have called her and she's in tears... .I then get a call from my Nan too.    

Sounds like you were blindsided by the chain of events that your mom brought on.  You have nothing to be guilty about. Your mom is probably feeling guilty and projecting her feelings onto you.  You should be praised for helping your brother, as opposed to being criticized. Sounds like your grandmother and uncle enable your mom's bad behavior.  What logically could they blame you for?  Because you didn't call your mom, while assisting your injured brother, because you choose to help your brother and not let him be homeless?

Normal people would be able to share such information without a drama triangle and a blame game.  You probably will want to withhold information about your brother in the future, unless it is a critical situation and your brother wants you to share.

I'm normally so calm and never loose it. I just can't take it anymore. These last 6 months have been awful.  Right now, I feel like the bad person writing all of this. Maybe I am. I just thought i was doing the right thing.    

FOG - (FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT) is often used to try and make you feel bad and to manipulate you. You will need to clear the fog, in order to preserve your sanity and well being.

The two lessons below can be helpful for you to avoid arguments and drama.  At the end of the article on the Karpman Drama Triangle, there is information about healthy communication triangles.

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE

You might want to prepare some comments to make, next time one of them contacts you and begins to argue and tries to lay guilt on you.

I found the 19-minute video at the link below a helpful tutorial for using "I" Statements:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDExNRJCUp0

The template and sample below could be helpful as well.

How To Use I-Statements:

Start by identifying how you feel: mad, sad, frustrated, etc.
I feel __________

State the reason you feel this way or what happened that led you to those feelings.
when __________

Try to identify the reason the person’s actions led to those feelings for you.
because __________

Let the person know what you want instead.
I would like __________ .

Example:
Your spouse snaps at you during dinner and it really hurt your feelings. Here’s an I-statement to use with this scenario:

I feel hurt when you snap at me like that because I worked hard to cook this nice dinner for us. I would like you to use nicer words and tone with me, and to know if something happened today that has led you to be in a bad mood.

A possible example for your situation might be: I love my brother and I helped him, when he needed someone to be there for him. I feel hurt and angry, when I am blamed for things I'm not responsible for.  I will not continue this conversation, so I will need to let you go now.  We can chat another time, when we can have a mutually respectful conversation.

Using the above examples and video, what are some statements you could make when you are approached by your mom, grandmother or uncle?

[HappyChappy]

Hi Aug88,

I’m so sorry you having to deal with this. From what you say, you were just trying to help out your brother.  As you were the one helping it entirely unfair for you to get blame. But unfortunately that’s the BPD dynamic, to project unfair blame onto others. But its up to us, once we realise this, not to accept unfair blame. If you need perspective on your Mums behaviour, feel free to use this forum. BPD have remarkably similar behaviour.

Bearing in mind BPD are competitive, and hate being abandoned, do you think you Mum is concerned both her kids have flow the nest now ? Could she be looking to criticise you as a way of projecting her guilt as a poor mother ? Is she trying to demonstrate she did a better job of looking after her son than you are ?  It is not unusual for some BPD mothers to compete with their daughters, so maybe she is competing for your brothers attention ?

Whatever the reason, sounds like you’ve done a good job and this is totally uncalled for criticism. But it does sound like your Mum is trying to draw you into (her web) of drama as this works to her strengths. So the best thing we can do is avoid playing their game by using JADE. This is where you do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Nibblers post before this, has a link to circular arguments, that goes into this in more detail. But if you do JADE you will just feed the BPD fire, and play to their strengths. It produces circular arguments, meaning a BPD must always win, so they keep collecting information to throw new accusations at you until you are worn out. And you did mention you, quiet understandably, feel warn out. So why not block e-mails and phone calls that add to all this ?

The fact you Nan didn’t believe you, is also testament to how good BPD are at manipulating the truth. You will never beat a BPD at a propaganda war, because pandomania makes them stronger, and us weaker. In fact BPD are so good at recruiting people to their side, these people have a name “flying monkeys” (after the Wizard of Oz film).

So what sort of boundary setting do you think would help right now ? Also, once you’re protected by boundaries, what sort support do you need ? As kids of BPD mothers we’re taught to put ourselves last, where as in reality, sounds like you should put yourself first right now. 

[Aug88]

Hi Naughty Nibbler, Still trying to figure out how I reply! So I hope this works.

Thank you for the links, I'm going to watch and read those.

Sorry you mom made such a bid deal over it.  Most normal people would put it into perspective and recognize that although it was an alarming situation, you brother got patched up and it wasn't serious.  Was your brother doing some partying/drinking that may have caused him to pass out, or could there be a medical issue that precipitated his fall?

He was just light headed from standing up really quickly and it ended up to be nothing serious. The paramedics confirmed that when they came to my flat.

Sounds like you were blindsided by the chain of events that your mom brought on.  You have nothing to be guilty about. Your mom is probably feeling guilty and projecting her feelings onto you.  You should be praised for helping your brother, as opposed to being criticized. Sounds like your grandmother and uncle enable your mom's bad behavior.  What logically could they blame you for?  Because you didn't call your mom, while assisting your injured brother, because you choose to help your brother and not let him be homeless?

My Mum says it was my choice to take him in, but I was on holiday when he came here, I found out that my sister had given him my spare key. I guess it is my choice, but a choice to not let my brother be homeless.

Normal people would be able to share such information without a drama triangle and a blame game.  You probably will want to withhold information about your brother in the future, unless it is a critical situation and your brother wants you to share.

I think this is great advice. I haven't lived with my Mum for 8 years and I did used to do this, but through the years I've let more information out but it's not helped me because it's used against me.

FOG - (FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT) is often used to try and make you feel bad and to manipulate you. You will need to clear the fog, in order to preserve your sanity and well being.

The two lessons below can be helpful for you to avoid arguments and drama.  At the end of the article on the Karpman Drama Triangle, there is information about healthy communication triangles.

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE

You might want to prepare some comments to make, next time one of them contacts you and begins to argue and tries to lay guilt on you.

I found the 19-minute video at the link below a helpful tutorial for using "I" Statements:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDExNRJCUp0

The template and sample below could be helpful as well.

Using the above examples and video, what are some statements you could make when you are approached by your mom, grandmother or uncle?

This will be such a help. I don't know what to say going forward to protect myself and not make the drama worse.

Thank you for all of your help!


[/quote]

[Aug88]

Hi Happy Chappy,

Hi Aug88,

I’m so sorry you having to deal with this. From what you say, you were just trying to help out your brother.  As you were the one helping it entirely unfair for you to get blame. But unfortunately that’s the BPD dynamic, to project unfair blame onto others. But its up to us, once we realise this, not to accept unfair blame. If you need perspective on your Mums behaviour, feel free to use this forum. BPD have remarkably similar behaviour.

It's exactly what I need, I need perspective. I don't see my counsellor every week so this will really help. And thank you for taking the time to reply.

Bearing in mind BPD are competitive, and hate being abandoned, do you think you Mum is concerned both her kids have flow the nest now ? Could she be looking to criticise you as a way of projecting her guilt as a poor mother ? Is she trying to demonstrate she did a better job of looking after her son than you are ?  It is not unusual for some BPD mothers to compete with their daughters, so maybe she is competing for your brothers attention ?

I didn't know they were competitive, some of my friends have asked me before if she is envious of me, and I've been completely against that notion. But yesterday seemed like I'd take something away from her, like the chance to be the hero. I'm not sure.

Whatever the reason, sounds like you’ve done a good job and this is totally uncalled for criticism. But it does sound like your Mum is trying to draw you into (her web) of drama as this works to her strengths. So the best thing we can do is avoid playing their game by using JADE. This is where you do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Nibblers post before this, has a link to circular arguments, that goes into this in more detail. But if you do JADE you will just feed the BPD fire, and play to their strengths. It produces circular arguments, meaning a BPD must always win, so they keep collecting information to throw new accusations at you until you are worn out. And you did mention you, quiet understandably, feel warn out. So why not block e-mails and phone calls that add to all this ?

I've not hear about JADE before. I always try to explain and defend myself, thinking I'm talking to someone who will understand. I've tried to stop that recently, but I did it more with my Nan and Uncle yesterday expecting them to understand. My Uncle did slightly because he doesn't live in the area.

The fact you Nan didn’t believe you, is also testament to how good BPD are at manipulating the truth. You will never beat a BPD at a propaganda war, because pandomania makes them stronger, and us weaker. In fact BPD are so good at recruiting people to their side, these people have a name “flying monkeys” (after the Wizard of Oz film).

She just denies the hurtful things she's said to the point that I (and my siblings) look crazy! I used to Love the Wizard of Oz monkeys... .maybe not so much now! ha!

So what sort of boundary setting do you think would help right now ? Also, once you’re protected by boundaries, what sort support do you need ? As kids of BPD mothers we’re taught to put ourselves last, where as in reality, sounds like you should put yourself first right now. 

I'm really working on my boundaries, it's hard to know where to start. Its also scary to be very honest and forward about my core values and what is acceptable and not. I'm still scared of her. I will get there though.

Thank you for your help!

[/quote]

[HappyChappy]

I'm really working on my boundaries, it's hard to know where to start... .I'm still scared of her.

The bit about being scared is normal, your BPD programmed you to be scared. But check out the F.O.G. link Nibbler gave you, that may help. If you sit still, the fear always goes in time. Keep reminding yourself you’re probably stronger than she is now, so how much harm can she really do ?

With boundaries, why not start with one small boundary. For example, screening your phone calls. Your resent anguish was because you took a call from your Mum. We know a BPD will jump on any mistake or drama and amplify it. So the next time, why not let calls from your mum go to answer phone. Same when she gets her flying monkeys to contact you. Encourage your mum to text or use e-mails. My BPD hates e-mails, because it’s hard for her to escalate a drama without visual and verbal cues. It also leaves an audit trail, so she can’t say “that’s not what I said !”.

I know this is all very scary, but you have this forum to help you, and just take small steps. Also your GP maybe able to help. If you come under the
NHS they offer talking therapies you may be able to access. They may not cater specifically for children of  BPD/NPD dynamic directly, but they do offer CBT and EMDR for "childhood trauma". Postcode lottery aside. Anyway, feel free to keep posing on here, as that should help keep the healing going.