Trust the xBPD with the kids?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am just going to try to fast forward my life in 2 1/2 years and get to the question. We had our fourth child die at 25 months a little over 2 years ago and  my xwBPD (unknown at this time) escaped into alcohol and prescription drugs, Zanex, Cymbalta, Celexa, etc and then went through multiple arrests, convictions, DCFS "indicated(s)" and many other wayward mishaps while she circled the drain.  Of course it's all my fault, bla, bla, bla. But I am done with separation board, I can't stand her.

The Dissolution of Marriage has me as having sole custody or "sole decision maker" and she has a gradual visitation schedule predicated on staying sober and drug free. She has been to several clinics over the years, seen many therapists apparently window shopping for these therapists and sought God however she perceives Him to be. I learned my lesson that every time I would give an inch she tries to take a million miles. You know the story, these BPD's are talented on spin, her longest timed therapist keeps repeating "she is very convincing."

That's the background, now she is only to have supervised visits with my kids. That was to last for another month. Then she will get unsupervised visits at public places. It is not for another 6 months will she get overnights. I am going to back up 2 months when on the final court appearance she didn't show up, she filed years prior. Since my lawyer filed a counter petition for me to go through with the divorce I showed up and was granted the divorce.

She later tells me that she felt it was a mistake to divorce me. She said she broke away from her mother ( a classic BPD) who coached her all the way, and wanted me back. I though oh my God is working but the x was just having a hard time being obstinate from alcohol, Vodka to be exact. So a month ago in a mini intervention it was discussed that if she could only get more visitation to visit the kids, it would help her. I have to admit, after watching several happily ever after movies about breakups and makeups I had some flicker of hope, we would be a family again. Even remembering  all the arrest and DCFS infractions were while she had the kids I was thinking of the movie and forgiveness.  Anyway, I bit on the bait and let her take the kids but she needed to abide by the court order and take a breathalyzer before getting my children. The more time they spent together, the more especially the D10 started distancing herself and wanted overnights. The  FaceTiming time went from 15 minutes to practically all night. My oldest would not brush her teeth, do homework, even missed school because she became so depressed without her mommy. I overheard a conversation once and the x was feeding them all sorts of things vastly increasing the speed for the parenting time court order timeline to happen. Finally last Sunday her true colors came out, her venomous words flew, the blame the same old stuff so I called the cops so D10 would get into the car. The x was back as evil and and as vile as ever, guess her program didn't work?  Neither did my daydreaming, I shut that door for good. Now I learned D10 wants to leave me and move on with her mother, the x got to my daughter. Times changed,when her mother would be drunk and call D19, the D10 had distain.

I am financially drained after this contentious divorce and raising the kids for a year and a half all by myself.  When she was watching the kids it reduced childcare costs. However she is supposed to reimburse me for child cost, childcare is one. Now she cannot afford anything, cannot get a job with the arrests made. Dragging her into court for contempt won't do any good. The kids cry every night l, they want mommy and mommy has only 30 days sobriety, I think? Anyway should I let her have the kids after school and during spring break? It would be unsupervised like the few weeks before. The kids hurt, should I let the x have my kids?

[StayStrongNow]

I am just going to try to fast forward my life in 2 1/2 years and get to the question. We had our fourth child die at 25 months a little over 2 years ago and  my xwBPD (unknown at this time) escaped into alcohol and prescription drugs, Zanex, Cymbalta, Celexa, etc and then went through multiple arrests, convictions, DCFS "indicated(s)" and many other wayward mishaps while she circled the drain.  Of course it's all my fault, bla, bla, bla. But I am done with separation board, I can't stand her.

The Dissolution of Marriage has me as having sole custody or "sole decision maker" and she has a gradual visitation schedule predicated on staying sober and drug free. She has been to several clinics over the years, seen many therapists apparently window shopping for these therapists and sought God however she perceives Him to be. I learned my lesson that every time I would give an inch she tries to take a million miles. You know the story, these BPD's are talented on spin, her longest timed therapist keeps repeating "she is very convincing."

That's the background, now she is only to have supervised visits with my kids. That was to last for another month. Then she will get unsupervised visits at public places. It is not for another 6 months will she get overnights. I am going to back up 2 months when on the final court appearance she didn't show up, she filed years prior. Since my lawyer filed a counter petition for me to go through with the divorce I showed up and was granted the divorce.

She later tells me that she felt it was a mistake to divorce me. She said she broke away from her mother ( a classic BPD) who coached her all the way, and wanted me back. I though oh my God is working but the x was just having a hard time being obstinate from alcohol, Vodka to be exact. So a month ago in a mini intervention it was discussed that if she could only get more visitation to visit the kids, it would help her. I have to admit, after watching several happily ever after movies about breakups and makeups I had some flicker of hope, we would be a family again. Even remembering  all the arrest and DCFS infractions were while she had the kids I was thinking of the movie and forgiveness.  Anyway, I bit on the bait and let her take the kids but she needed to abide by the court order and take a breathalyzer before getting my children. The more time they spent together, the more especially the D10 started distancing herself and wanted overnights. The  FaceTiming time went from 15 minutes to practically all night. My oldest would not brush her teeth, do homework, even missed school because she became so depressed without her mommy. I overheard a conversation once and the x was feeding them all sorts of things vastly increasing the speed for the parenting time court order timeline to happen. Finally last Sunday her true colors came out, her venomous words flew, the blame the same old stuff so I called the cops so D10 would get into the car. The x was back as evil and and as vile as ever, guess her program didn't work?  Neither did my daydreaming, I shut that door for good. Now I learned D10 wants to leave me and move on with her mother, the x got to my daughter. Times changed,when her mother would be drunk and call D19, the D10 had distain.

I am financially drained after this contentious divorce and raising the kids for a year and a half all by myself.  When she was watching the kids it reduced childcare costs. However she is supposed to reimburse me for child cost, childcare is one. Now she cannot afford anything, cannot get a job with the arrests made. Dragging her into court for contempt won't do any good. The kids cry every night l, they want mommy and mommy has only 30 days sobriety, I think? Anyway should I let her have the kids after school and during spring break? It would be unsupervised like the few weeks before. The kids hurt, should I let the x have my kids?

[david]

Were the kids acting that way before they saw their mom unsupervised ? If not, then something happened that changed them.

[StayStrongNow]

Yes, she was unsupervised when she was with the kids and while she was FaceTiming daily.

[david]

We have two boys. The s*** hit the fan in 2007. They were around 5 and 8 at the time. When I picked them up they were maniacs for about 45 minutes to an hour. I didn't know what to do and let them act out in the beginning. Eventually I was able to find ways to lessen the time by listening and finding something to change their mindset. It didn't always work. As they got older, about two years, things got much better. Now I rarely have incidents like that. The only thing that happens now is that they need to vent about something their mom did. I listen and validate them. I don't offer advice unless they ask. It does get better.
I think the boys noticed the difference in parenting and responded to my style in a better fashion. Our oldest is 18 now and has little communication with his mom. When he is at her residence he goes up to his room and stays there. Our youngest, now 13, is starting to do the same. They are both boys so that may be a difference. They talk to me about lots of things and feel safe with me. They have both said to me, in various ways and times, that they don't say much to mom because if they say the wrong thing they have negative consequences.
You need to decide what is best for the kids. Enabling them by letting them decide will probably lead to problems later on. If your court order has some bite to it I would defer to that and explain it to the kids that way. Our youngest used to say he hated me, I was evil, he wanted to live with his mom and never see me, blah, blah, blah. I listened and simply told him I loved him and would be very sad if I didn't see him anymore.
My ex used to try to get more time by telling the kids I was not allowing her to see them. I simply explained that the court order says what mom and me are allowed to do. I said I would follow the order because I didn't want mom or me to get in trouble with the judge. At a young age that worked.

[takingandsending]

It does not sounds as if she has met the criteria of her gradual visitation rights, i.e. staying sober and drug free. Frankly, if she was at the point of needing an intervention, there is no way that she should be seeing more of the children for her own stability.

Suggest you read this post, which sums it up quite nicely "My lawyer brought up... . this is about the kids and their protection not about how to keep the mother emotionally regulated."
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=307305.msg12854998#msg12854998

I agree with David. Validate your D10, she wants her mommy. That is understandable, but you cannot offer more visitation rights because the courts said that you cannot until mommy meets certain conditions, which she has not yet done.

[david]

This way you blame the courts and give the power to mom. It is up to her to follow the order. Mom can say what she wants but the order is clear and you don't want her or you to get in trouble. You are no longer the bad guy in this scenario. The next step is to help the kids understand. A therapist might be better for that. This keeps you out of the mom vs dad scene. Let the therapist point out that mom is not doing what she is supposed to be doing and only mom can fix that. The kids don't need to be her caretaker and need someone to independently point that out.

[takingandsending]

At the risk of being blunt, not only do the kids not need to be her caretaker, you are the kids' caretaker. If mom has not been sober for more than 30 days, she is not capable of being their caretaker, which is the role an unsupervised adult watching the kids assumes. I completely understand how crappy it feels to have your kids blame you and not like you for keeping them away. But what if you let them go, she drives them somewhere and is under the influence?

You have experienced losing a child, and I am so sorry. I can only imagine the pain of that, as a friend of ours lost their D5 who was friends with my oldest son (also 5 at the time), and even that hurt like hell. Hang in there and do your utmost to protect your children. Read about parental alienation and how you can help your daughters through a really confusing and difficult time for them. Validating their feelings is really critical.

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you all for all the great comments and advice. All are great suggestions.

Now the uxBPD is going out of state for therapy sessions for as I quote her "whatever you said that you think I have", yes I blurted it out once and she allegedly is going to get her BPD "fixed" with an either 14 or 40 day stay at some clinic that I haven't even asked her the name.

To me it's a ploy, a trick, she is trying to be manipulative again so that I will see she is cured and I will sign an agreement lifting the need that she continues to abide by the court order that she has supervised visits with out 3 children.

Undoubtably she will try to get overnights too, maybe she have the new BF to talk me into it.

I will let you know on this post if a miracle cure occurred to this incurable brain disease but I think there is a better chance I will win the lottery 2 weeks in a row.