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Author Topic: Is this a Recycle attempt?  (Read 532 times)
ReclaimingMyLife
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« on: March 21, 2017, 10:25:03 PM »

Hi bpdfamily,

Hope everyone is well.  I haven't been on here much lately, but boy were y'all a Godsend during a very difficult time. 

Here is the short version of the backstory:  met my xBPDbf Spring 2014;  dated for about 8 months which was full of fun, great sex, rage, lies, manipulation, theft; it culminated in 10 months of stalking with over 600 attempts at contact made;  the stalking reeked enormous havoc in my life and especially the lives of my children;  he got locked up in Sept 2015 for a probation violation (unrelated to me as I did not pursue any kind of restraining order with him);  his time in prison was heaven as he was unable to contact me;  he was released Jan 17. 

I had been VERY hopeful that I would not hear from him but got an email on Saturday.  It said this:

Enough time has passed that we should be able to meet and talk about our lives since we last talked. I always enjoyed your company, always had fun with you (even when we argued) and learned a great deal from you.

Think about it; it might be nice and I would love to have you as my friend. Let's at least give it a try; life is short, what you have to lose. If you happen to have a boyfriend or even a husband, that shouldn't prevent us from a life-enriching friendship.

I hope life has treated you well and that you are happy.

Also, I could really use a friend right now.

It's your choice; I hope you will choose to contact me.

Yours,


It just occurred to me that this could be an actual RECYCLE attempt by him?  I am so used to thinking of him in terms of stalking that I don't automatically recognize this as him trying to play it cool  as a means to recycle.

Additionally, I am so used to being scared of him that the nice tone is welcome in comparison.  But I know that his "nice" isn't necessarily nice but an effort to get what he wants. 

What say you? 

I am sure he needs a friend right now.  No doubt.  It will not be me.  He is wrong that I have nothing to lose: I have EVERYTHING to lose... .most importantly my son and daughter who'd never understand and never forgive me, my sanity/self-respect/quality of life/bank account, etc. 

Thanks for sharing your wisdom and reinforcing my resolve/vigilance!

XOXO
RML 

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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2017, 11:05:35 PM »

Hey ReclaimingMyLife:   

Quote from: ReclaimingMyLife
I am sure he needs a friend right now.  No doubt.  It will not be me.  He is wrong that I have nothing to lose: I have EVERYTHING to lose... .most importantly my son and daughter who'd never understand and never forgive me, my sanity/self-respect/quality of life/bank account, etc.

Well stated!  I agree with your logic!  Stay strong!  His stating that he needs a friend indicates he likely needs a victim. 
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Sadly
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« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2017, 01:31:09 AM »

Well done for reclaiming your life
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Sadly
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« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2017, 01:36:49 AM »

I don't know what happened to the rest of my reply, it disappeared, my huggy smiley things don't work either. Very odd, anyway as I was saying, Well done for reclaiming your life . Yes I think it is exactly what he is trying to do. When you don't reply, as he so charmingly says he is leaving up to you, you will probably get another email which won't be as remotely pleasant. My advice, ignore it and carry on living your life and loving yourself and your children.
Love from
Sadly x
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whitebackatcha
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« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2017, 02:16:05 AM »

They do what works. If he thinks sounding sweet might work, that is what he will do. You are wise to ignore it! It would be so nice if these behaviors actually indicated real change, wouldn't it?

To answer your question though, it's definitely possible he's trying to recycle because he doesn't want to be alone, having only recently gotten out of prison.
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marti644
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« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2017, 03:04:12 AM »

Hi Reclaiming,

Knowing what you know now about the disorder, and how people act who have BPD, what else could it be but a recycling attempt? I would suggest staying NC, but if you decide on connecting ask yourself what good for you could come from reconnecting with him?
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Crushedbyac

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« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2017, 07:49:47 AM »

We all hope (with all our hearts) they change. Most likely he didnt.  Id say he is trying to sweet talk you, hoping to lure you back, using kind ideas and logic, and a "life-enriching friendship" sounds nice?  I agree with Marti and Sadly. What will YOU get from the friendship if you reconnect?  And the next email will likely not be as nice. 
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roberto516
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« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2017, 08:59:43 AM »

This was the same thing with me. Happened much sooner though. She even realized that she just wanted to reach out and connect with me. Then when I did she said she was wondering if we could try again. It's such a tough situation. Especially the second part. I know where I am at, and what changes I need to make in a relationship to improve it. But it has to be mutual. And I don't see it being mutual with her. I'd have to be "on" at all times to make sure i didn't fall back into destructive patterns of projection, unhealthy communication, etc. I know it can work as there is a whole forum for those currently in a relationship.

If she reached out and said she was working on herself through DBT therapy or something and was able to articulate how she could help us improve I'd consider it. But it won't happen. And so I need to stay away as well. Well done for taking your life back!
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
ReclaimingMyLife
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« Reply #8 on: March 22, 2017, 09:47:26 AM »

Thank you all for your replies and support! 

I am VERY clear that I will not be responding to my exBPDbf.  He reeked havoc in my life and my kids' lives.  Reconnecting with him is NOT on the table. 

However, I must recognize his behavior for what it is - likely a recycle attempt - in order to maintain my vigilant mindset. I need to never let my guard down with him.

Your reinforcement of that is VERY helpful. 

His stating that he needs a friend indicates he likely needs a victim. 

YES, Naughty Nibbler, I think it is this exactly!  Thank you for capturing this precisely in such a memorable way. 

When you don't reply, as he so charmingly says he is leaving up to you, you will probably get another email which won't be as remotely pleasant.
If he thinks sounding sweet might work, that is what he will do.
Sadly and whitebackatcha, thank y'all, this is exactly what happened during 10 months of stalking.  He'd text me how much he loved and missed me and then he'd threaten me. 

My sister shared a horrible story about a friend who was stalked.  The stalker had gone away for 20 years and then reappeared on FB.  My sister's friend thought it was okay after that long and BAM she was right back to being stalked and terrorized by him.

I must remember this always. 

what else could it be but a recycling attempt? what good for you could come from reconnecting with him?
Marti644, thank you, your affirmation is VERY helpful.  It doesn't seem like it should be necessary but thinking of this as a recycle catches me by surprise.  Last night I was like "ohhhhh, THAT is what this is... ."  Like duh.  But it really helps to hear you say so.

We all hope (with all our hearts) they change. Most likely he didnt.  Id say he is trying to sweet talk you, hoping to lure you back, using kind ideas and logic, and a "life-enriching friendship" sounds nice?  I agree with Marti and Sadly. What will YOU get from the friendship if you reconnect?  And the next email will likely not be as nice. 
Thanks crushedbyac, there is no way he changed.  Unless he got some exceptionally great counseling in prison which is improbable, he is most likely WORSE than when I last spoke to him in 2014. 

What would I get from reconnecting with him?  More of the same.  More rage, more threats, more criticism, a depleted bank account, more lies, more theft, and the worst of all, the LOSS OF MY FAMILY.  My daughter has no tolerance for bullsh*t and she would go off the rails at this.  My sisters, parents, son, close friends would all be appalled.  And honestly, that would be nothing compared to how I would feel inside having let myself be suckered and screwed a second time.  Fool me once shame on you.  Fool me twice shame on me.  For the record, I've already been fooled way more than two times in our short 8 month r/s so there is no excuse.

And so I need to stay away as well. Well done for taking your life back!
Absolutely true for me, roberto516.  I worked so freaking HARD to take my life back.  It was so hard for so long with all of his persistence.  I can kinda forget how hard it was.  But it was grueling.  Never going back.  Thank you.  Just writing that and remembering how hard it was is helpful.

Thanks again to ALL of you.  I really need this.  Not because I feel like responding.  But just to remember who he is and what this situation is REALLY.

I am so very hopeful that his email was the LAST.  My letter of liberation.  I can appreciate that and be thankful for that AND at the same time be smart, alert, and very aware of the true intent of the email:  not to be his friend but to be his victim (thanks again, Naughty Nibbler). 
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Rayban
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« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2017, 11:37:26 AM »

I would you suggest not to respond and furthermore you should block his email address.

He's desperate for attention.  His email is loaded with F.O.G. Fear of what he might do. Obligation of friendship despite what he's done, and Guilt poor him really needs a friend right now.  You don't owe him anything.  Keep NC and block him.


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acknowledgement
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« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2017, 01:01:47 PM »

NC from BPD friend of 3 decades... .for 4 years after emotional abuse/silent treatment/devaluing, painted black, stone cold words, refusal of phone calls,etc. all after seemingly normal conversation around MY birthday! fast forward... .BPD trying to contact friends and family through facebook with loving, good memory messages and also saying things like "give her a kiss" "give a hug to her from me" regarding me... .what is this? A recycle attempt? What should I do if a family member is actually responding to her message... .saying "they are nice"... .I asked her not to and she told me I was over reacting. She knows everything the BPD put me and my family through... .should I stay NC of course with BPD? Why do they have this power - if I am honest, I actually felt some tenderness and even considered (FOR A BRIEF MOMENT) of reconciling attempt... .help to stay strong please. any advise
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roberto516
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« Reply #11 on: March 22, 2017, 01:53:10 PM »

help to stay strong please. any advise

I would post this as its own forum topic. More people will see it, and be able to give feedback.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
ReclaimingMyLife
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« Reply #12 on: March 22, 2017, 02:40:35 PM »

He's desperate for attention.  His email is loaded with F.O.G. Fear of what he might do. Obligation of friendship despite what he's done, and Guilt poor him really needs a friend right now.  You don't owe him anything.  Keep NC and block him.

You nailed it, Rayban.  Thanks for breaking it down into the components of FOG. 

"An obligation of friendship despite what he's done" was so often the case.  In our last conversation and text he told me to go f*ck myself and stay out of his life.  Well, that is exactly what I did.

Yet, I should allow for "life-enriching friendship" despite all the "life-shattering" stalking/threatening things he did.  His behavior shattered my daughter.  He damaged me but shattered her.  Motherf*cker. 

(sorry for my foul language... .that is just really how I feel)
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ReclaimingMyLife
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« Reply #13 on: March 22, 2017, 03:29:06 PM »

if I am honest, I actually felt some tenderness and even considered (FOR A BRIEF MOMENT) of reconciling attempt... .help to stay strong please. any advise

acknowledgment, checking in here on bpdfamily about what is really going on with my ex is truly helpful.  I need these opinions of experienced, "in the know" people.  Because they are uninvolved but also very informed, they can see clearly what is going on. 

Like articulating for me that "he needs a friend" means "he needs a victim." 

As roberto suggested, start another thread where you can get lots of advice from people who know what they are talking about.  People who can validate your experience.  I would not listen to the advice of family and friends who don't truly know because they haven't been there. 

Also, I find it very helpful to keep a list of my exBPDbf's offenses. It is a quick and easily accessible reminder of what my experiences with him was really like. 
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