Scapegoat daughter of a narcissistic mother

[FletchF.Fletch]

Not quite sure what I'm looking for other than maybe the comfort of knowing that I'm not alone. I am non contact with my awful Mother for the third time in my life. They are the only times I have felt any sort of peace. The peace doesn't last long because she inevitably finds ways to turn my family and whoever she can buy against me. I'm currently in the process of divorcing an abusive(in more ways than one)man that I spent 23 years with and have 3 teenage children with. My mother has bought all of them and has done unspeakably hurtful things my whole life, but even as I'm away from her, she continues to hurt me through my kids and my ex and other family members. My oldest child who sticks up for me to her is now starting to be emotionally and mentally abused by my Mother the way she used to when she had access to me. She's exhausting beyond comprehension. Although she's doing a great job of drinking herself to death, I feel like I won't be able to rest until she rests. The awful thing about that is that I actually feel terrible for saying such an awful thing. Despite the horrible things she's done and said my entire life. Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Thanks

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome  FletchF.Fletch:      

I'm sorry about what you are going through with your mom.

My oldest child who sticks up for me to her is now starting to be emotionally and mentally abused by my Mother the way she used to when she had access to me.    

How old is your daughter?  Perhaps you can suggest that your daughter come her and learn some communication skills and how to set BOUNDARIES with your mother?

She's exhausting beyond comprehension. Although she's doing a great job of drinking herself to death, I feel like I won't be able to rest until she rests. The awful thing about that is that I actually feel terrible for saying such an awful thing. Despite the horrible things she's done and said my entire life.    

FOG - DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT is helpful to read about. Many people struggle with some aspect of FOG.  It can be hard to accept that we don't have to care take someone who abuses us, or continue a relationship with them.

Some people go no contact (NC) or limited contact (LC) and others go back and forth between both.  It's up to you to decide what is best for you.

Since you have children that have some level of contact with your mom, you might find the two lessons below helpful for you to avoid arguments and drama.  At the end of the article on the Karpman Drama Triangle, there is information about healthy communication triangles.

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE

Have you ever had some counseling?  You might want to work through the steps of the Survival Guide in the right-hand margin.  Processing the fact that you have a disordered parent can be like a grieving process.   What do you do to manage your stress?  :)o you try anything like mindfulness, meditation, hobbies, etc.?

Take Care    We are here to listen to more of your story, when you are ready.  It can be therapeutic to just share with others.

[KMPENN]

I have the same problem with my mum, the only difference is she doesn't drink.
She is a covert narcissist who has severely emotionally abused me my whole life. My brother is the golden child who can do no wrong. I even get the punishment for things he has done. I've recently gone no contact and moved 4000 miles away. She's now trying to get her claws into my daughter who lives near her, she seems to be her new supply. I'm so worried for her, but she just says she hates being in the middle. She plays the innocent old lady role to other family members and saves all her emotional abuse for me. I'm the only girl, out of her four kids, but my eldest brother went NC years ago.
I feel your pain.