Rough Times Getting Rougher

[dacoming]

All, my uBPD wife and I have been going through it for years and it's been getting worse.  Just the last two days have been hell.  Day before yesterday, I came home from work and all seemed fine.  As usual, my granddaughter wanted me to play with her so I did.  My wife was joking about how our GD loves to play with me and wants nothing to do with anyone else when I get home.  Suddenly, my wife calls me in to ask me the status of our taxes.  I usually prepare and eFile them myself.  In previous years, I'd always do this at work because it's convenient to me but now she seems to have a problem with that and requested to be there and involved this time.  So a couple weeks ago, I went to her room (we're in separate rooms now although we still mostly sleep in the same bed and generally are in each other's company the same) to do the taxes with her.  She stayed on the bed watching TV while I sat on the couch and prepared them.  Afterwards, I showed her what the refund tentatively was going to be; all I had to do was verify a question I had about mortgage interest.  She seemed ok and just asked that I print her out a copy of the return when it's done.  I agreed as I always do this but let her know that I'd have to print them from work.  No problem.  So about a week later, I received an email from H&R Block saying that I had until midnight May 31 to eFile or else E-Filing would no longer be free.  I told her this and let her know that I intended to file within the hour since I'd just gotten home from work and explained those circumstances.  She took it as me saying we now have to pay taxes instead of receiving a refund.  I tried to make it clear to her that this was about e-filing and the refund was still happening.  Shortly after, I filed in her room.  Again, she laid on the bed and was on Periscope, Facebook or something.  Anyway, I reminded her that I filed and the refund would be in the account within a couple weeks.  She questioned why she didn't have to sign anything.  I told her this was not necessary when e-filing but this raised a flag with her (even though it's like this every year).  She told me that she specifically asked that we do the taxes with her sitting next to me watching and I chose to do it alone again.  As I continued to try to recount everything and how SHE knew and chose not to do that, she changed the events and things I said into a new version, the complete opposite of what actually happened and accused me of lying and being guilty of what she was alleging because I started defending and raising my voice.  She kicked me out of HER room and then starting flipping the story to our daughter, accusing me of talking to her in a bad way when I don't do that to anyone else.  I slept downstairs; however she called me in the middle of the night to tell me she didn't say I was not allowed to sleep on the bed with her but since I'm upset and in my feelings, she will leave it alone.

Yesterday after work, we had to take her to the ER for heart issues.  Things were going ok between us for the most part.  We were waiting for a while so she wanted me to go to our house and get her pain medication.  Our daughter was supposed to bring the medicine to the car when I got there but she was not home when I arrived.  So I went in the house, grabbed the bottle of pain medication and brought it to the hospital.  Later, the doctor wanted to keep her overnight so I had to go back to the house to get her phone charger, other medications, etc.  Our daughter put an overnight bag together with everything she requested and I brought it back to the hospital.  The nurse came in and asked for a list of all of the medicines she currently takes.  She asked me to get the bags with the new medicine out of her overnight bag so that we can tell the nurse.  There was other medicine in the bag so I grabbed those first since they were in the side pocket; I was planning to grab the bags of new medicine afterwards.  She got upset because SHE SAID to get the new medicine but I insisted on grabbing the other medicine first and she KNEW I had to understand what she asked.  She accused me of being mean and "always acting petty and upsetting."  She berated me for the next few minutes after the nurse left out, telling me how I have no pride about looking stupid to her and others, etc etc.  Mind you we are at the hospital in close quarters with other patients with several being out in the hall on gurneys.  I excused myself to go to the bathroom and she said "you need to go somewhere... .go flush your head down the toilet!"  When I came back in the room, she told me to leave and expressed how she hates being married to me and had to make some decisions.  I left.

Later, sometime after midnight, she called and requested that I come pick her up... .she was not staying.  I got out of bed, went and picked her up. When we got home, she took a shower.  She asked me to stay up to watch her to make sure nothing happens.  I did.  After she finished, I started to lay down.  She called out to me and accused me of opening her pill bottle because she claims the top was put back on different and she never puts it on like that.  Our daughter denied opening the pills so that means I did it.  I told her that I never opened the pills; all I did was grab the bottle and leave the house.  She accused me of lying and told me how she knew I was going to do something like that... .that's why she previously texted our daughter to not give me the bottle because "she knows how I am."  Again, I tried to really let her know that I did not and would have no reason to open her pills.  As usual, nothing sways her from her "gut feelings."  I left it alone but had to listen to her rage and complain to my daughter about me and "my ways."  This morning, she called me while I was on my way to work bringing up again the events of the previous night and how she has to evaluate things.  While I was driving, she mentioned several times that she keeps hearing traffic and wind while we are talking which was likely due to me having my window down... .knowing that it annoys her.  I honestly informed her multiple times that my window was not down at any point and I was not moving around or nothing so she had to be hearing the traffic even with the windows up (if anything).  She kept with the accusations and blame, accusing me of causing her heart problems and being an A hole to her and the kids all the time.  I am SO tired of being falsely accused, blamed and insulted!  I don't know what to do anymore!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[isilme]

As usual, nothing sways her from her "gut feelings."

Yeah, this is pretty much the crux of everything.  All her ideas spring from disordered emotions.  I've had the tax dysregulation before.  Before we got married, H would tell me he was going to do his, and he loves to wait literally till April 14th to do them.  And he'd always hit some point of frustration and start yelling at me.  He wanted me to be physically next to him, but not look at the screen, and be able to instantly answer questions about HIS information when I'm not allowed to look at the screen because that would make me "nosey".  Thank goodness he did not balk this year at letting me just get his W2 and efile.  It took him till yesterday to give it to me, but hey, still not the last day. 

All the little nit-picky thing - she is trying to goad you to fight with her so she can justify fighting with you.  She wants to start the fight but point to you and say, "look at how he fights with me."  Sh wanted you to loudly state:  "I am ready to do taxes.  Will you please come sit by me so we can do them together as you asked?"  I guess somehow she does not believe you are doing it right, or are cheating her? 

The minute she starts to dysregulate, and change the story, and argue and yell, stop defending.  You can't.  Logic and reason are not going to make her see that she is wrong.  Her emotions tell her she is right and by God, she's right, even if she has to change what happened.

So, do what you did and leave the room before getting kicked out.  You can just walk out, you can say, I don't deserve to be yelled and am going to another room until you calm down.  Or something.  Or nothing.  The point is not to control her, but to remove yourself from crazy accusations and abuse. 

Pills, insults, you did this wrong and that wrong and you do it to be mean - this is again all just to "prove" that her feelings are "right".  I think there are levels of ways to handle this, but they are not easy.  Our knee-jerk desire to either defend ourselves and/or explain away what triggered them in the first place all just pour gas on the fire.

She pokes at you with insults.  Ignore them, pretend not to hear, cultivate a monotone, nonemotional, "meh, okay" kinda of response.  I think someone on here actually says "F-you" to accomplish the same thing (works for them).  Basically, if you stop giving the response she is looking for, eventually, she will either do it less, and/or you will find it's just petty emotional word-vomit, you can ignore it.  It is the BPD speaking.  It means nothing.  It's a bunch of chemicals misfiring in her head.  So the little snippy comments, poke and jibes, try to ignore. 

She kept with the accusations and blame, accusing me of causing her heart problems and being an A hole to her and the kids all the time.  I am SO tired of being falsely accused, blamed and insulted!  I don't know what to do anymore!

Yes.  It is tiring, exhausting, and you always have to try to be the "bigger person" person, and don't get to lash out yourself because it just proves them right and give them ammo to continue. 

The rest, you can look into SET in the tools and see if you can make some of it work to communicate your reality to her. 

How do the kids feel about things?  What ages are they?

[waverider]

The emotional uneasiness that pwBPD often feel leads to paranoid delusions which border on psychosis. They take a feeling and try to ascribe it to some immediate cause. ie you or something you must have done. Their mind goes into overdrive creating a level  of anxiety and stress that pushes them into delusional thoughts.

It is important not to get drawn into justifying your actions, otherwise it gives the whole diversionary issue some substance. She gets locked into the mindset that you are "up to no good"  but is not sure what, and so is overwhelmed with suspicion. Could even be projection of something she feels she is doing wrong or failing at.

Take this as meaning she feels incredibly insecure and vulnerable for some reason. Its not about the taxes, or the medications, she simply doesn't know why herself. Comfort her a lot in a generic way without making it issue based and much of the projection will subside.

[dacoming]

How do the kids feel about things?  What ages are they?

The kids are grown, 28, 25 and 18.  I don't know what to think sometimes about their feelings since I hear so many things from my wife about their feelings toward me.  The girls tend to validate her, at least in my presence.  However, our older daughter and I used to talk often and comfort each other about issues with my wife because she is on the bad end a lot of times too.  Not as much since she moved out a couple years ago.  She has told me before that they don't believe any of the cheating accusations and do not agree on some things but try to stay out of the crosshairs.  Our younger daughter seems to validate her all the time, particularly in front of me.  However, I'm told that she defends me often when I'm not around and she is one on one with her Mom.  They don't seem to act different with me.  Our son is usually not involved but my wife is always telling me how negatively he feels about me.  I don't get that when I talk to him though, with him denying he's said certain things that she told me he said. 

[dacoming]

The emotional uneasiness that pwBPD often feel leads to paranoid delusions which border on psychosis. They take a feeling and try to ascribe it to some immediate cause. ie you or something you must have done. Their mind goes into overdrive creating a level  of anxiety and stress that pushes them into delusional thoughts.

It is important not to get drawn into justifying your actions, otherwise it gives the whole diversionary issue some substance. She gets locked into the mindset that you are "up to no good"  but is not sure what, and so is overwhelmed with suspicion. Could even be projection of something she feels she is doing wrong or failing at.

Take this as meaning she feels incredibly insecure and vulnerable for some reason. Its not about the taxes, or the medications, she simply doesn't know why herself. Comfort her a lot in a generic way without making it issue based and much of the projection will subside.

I'm really trying not to justify things to her... .sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.  I will say that I feel better when I don't.  I want to get to the point that I don't justify anything.  She keeps pushing buttons until I respond and usually tells me I'm off topic of what she's saying, even when she just said it.  She will bring up something, I answer it, she doesn't believe me and keeps interrogating... .making other comments.  Then when I address that, she accuses me of talking about other things that she's not talking about or focused on and blows up.  Then she starts telling me and the kids that my understanding/mind is bad and I have the wet brain because of my drinking.  I do drink beer daily but do not drink to get drunk, just wind down.  I need it just to deal with her sometimes.  She multiplies the amount I drink to the 3rd power and often changes things around and tries to convince me I'm crazy or don't remember nothing I say or do.  Then she recounts this false information to the kids.  Funny how I've NEVER been accused of forgetting or not understanding anything at work and I'm in the legal field.  Also, no issues with anyone else either... .