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Author Topic: 13 year old daughter with BPD is ruining our family  (Read 467 times)
Oilersfan

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 6


« on: March 23, 2017, 12:43:55 PM »

Our 13 year old daughter has been in and out of hospital more times than I can count. Therapy has failed as she manipulates the therapists with lies. She has OD on medications several times and cuts herself with anything she can find. She spent 6 months in hospital school program for behaviour kids when she was 11 but even that program wasn't for BPD. She's on a year and a half long waiting list for an inpatient program for BPD teens. What can we do in the mean time? This is ruining our lives. We are in crisis because she requires 24 hour supervision, so I don't sleep. She is vicious to her 6 yr old brother and tells him everyday how much she hates him. He asked me if she murdered me cause she came at me with a knife. I'm scared she might actually kill herself or one of us eventually. I've become hopeless. We have all meds in a safe but she still finds a way to get pills. We have all sharp items locked up but she will break a picture frame and use the glass. She does this self harm any time we try to set boundaries with her. She blames everyone else for her behaviour and has NO insight whatsoever.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
SammysMom

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Posts: 15


« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2017, 01:46:43 PM »

Have you tried any medication for her aggression?
My daughter will threaten to cut herself with a knife but hasnt actually done it thankfully.
We have found that once she went on medication for her aggression she has been more calm as well as more easily to talk to.
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Oilersfan

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« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2017, 02:06:14 PM »

Yes she is on 2 different meds for mood and aggression- we've tried a few combinations but nothing really does much to help her.
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tristesse
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Posts: 410


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« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2017, 09:12:11 AM »

hi Oilersfan
Let me say how sorry I am that your family is going through this right now.
Having a daughter with BPD  is a tough gig, and she sounds like a very troubled child. It is difficult enough to be 13, but to have BPD on top of it, makes it even more difficult. I mean the regular hormonal changes, and feelings and emotions of a girl that age, now she has a million thoughts whipping through brain every single minute too, It's like her mind is never still and quiet.

I totally understand your stress and the anguish she is putting you through. The mean spirited way she behaves and talks to you and her younger brother. I have been in your shoes, and I have lived that life, so I get it, and I am truly sorry for the hurt you are feeling.

Things can get better, and you can help them along. Practice using SET in your everyday life and conversations, with everybody, not just your daughter. that way when you really need to use it with your daughter, it comes a little more naturally. Remember to never JADE ( justify, argue , defend or explain). when you are talking be as empathetic as you can, and justify her feelings. remember not to add things like however, or but at the end of a justifying statement. Practice makes perfect.
Remember to respond and not react to aggressions or rages or out of control behavior. she looks for that reaction, and the more negatively you react, the more you prove her inner most insecure feelings of being hated or unaccepted.

There will be upsets along the way, and there will be days where you forget to respond the appropriate way and drama ensues, that's O.K. we all do it, we are only human after all. Stay the course, never give up on yourself, and remember self care is so important. Protect yourself and your son at all costs, but remember in so doing, that she is struggling too, she is engulfed in self loathing and fear and feelings of not belonging. Her mind is wired differently than yours, so although it appears to be common sense that you love her, she needs constant displays of love and affection. She will set out to hurt you, before you can hurt her. That's how a BPD works.

what helps me on bad days ( my BPD D is now 33 ) is remembering the sweet baby and little girl she once was. I remember her little giggles, and her hugs, I look at old photos and remember the good things, and sometimes I see glimpses of that happy child in the grown woman. I also remember that I loved her before I ever met her, or saw her sweet face for the first time, and I will love and protect her until I breathe my last breath. She is doing far better now than she has in past,but she is still a BPD.
Hang in there, and take care of yourself. Remember, we are all here to help and advise in any way that we can.
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Oilersfan

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2017, 10:16:18 AM »

Thank you so much for your kind words. I know there is hope, I can see it in the good moments we have (we go by moments here, because a day is too long). It's just scary how quickly her mood changes- even if she thinks you breathed the wrong way or something. She's also very paranoid and accuses my husband and I of plotting against her. I feel like the warden of a prison because I have to do mouth checks with her meds or she will stash pills. We have cameras in the house because she sneaks out at 3:30 am and wanders at all hours. I have learned a long time ago not to JADE but lately even breathing is a crime. It's become hard for us to see past the BPD and to let go of resentment and not take things personally. I really hope she gets into treatment soon. Thanks again for all of your kind words.
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tristesse
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Let your Beauty Unfold.


« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2017, 02:43:03 PM »

her age has a lot to do with it, and the paranoid thinking is typical BPD behavior.
I totally understand the horror of living life with dis-regulated BPD, and I completely understand the worry over other childrens well being.
My son is 9 years younger than my BPD daughter, and there were times I thought I may not survive the drama and worry. Your daughter knows how she is affecting you, in the moment she couldn't care less how you feel, but the aftermath is where she feels it. afterwards She feels all of the self loathing and  self hatred, which makes her feel unworthy of love and affection, which in turn causes her to lash out before you can.
I'm not making excuses for , I'm just hoping to ad insight from a mom with years and years of experience.
Hang in there, remember to breathe, and Ill say a prayer for your family.
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Oilersfan

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 6


« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2017, 05:57:59 PM »

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your perspective. I know it has to be agony for her to feel so out of control with her emotions and she will often cry and seek comfort after lashing out at us. She really needs help soon since we are at the end of our options since we've been through the entire system- we just need to hope that the residential treatment wait list isn't too long.
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