At the start of the process

[Panda39]

I do feel like I need to pay her back for the bills that she has "paid" instead of getting switched over. This hasn't been asked, but it is something that I feel responsible for. What would be the best way to pay her back for these bills? Should I write her a check? Do a transfer to her account from the account I can do that with? Should I make them individual so that the amounts reflect the bills that she paid in my name?

If you feel you need to pay her back I would do the account transfer so you have a record of the transaction.  Print a copy of the transaction information and amount and keep it with copies of the bills for which you are paying her back.  After you've done the transaction send her an email notifying her of what you did... .document, document, document.  I wouldn't trust a check to not "get lost".

Why didn't she just get the bills transferred into her name?

Because by not doing so keeps you engaged with her.  Remember fear of abandonment is at the heart of BPD she is doing everything she can to keep you around and involved with her.

Panda39

PS  I can't remember if anyone suggested the book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger you might want to check it out, my SO found it helpful during his divorce.

[livednlearned]

How do I get past the FOG of responding to this woman? I know that it will take more time to become able to weather the storm. My foundation has been bombed repeatedly over the years, and now I'm rebuilding that foundation. Yet, I still feel like there is more that I can do to get past all of this.

Be gentle with yourself   You are staying afloat in choppy seas -- few things are more stressful than custody battles with a high-conflict ex.

Your son is young, you haven't seen him, and his mom has an untreated mental illness. The stress of finances and uncertainty about the legal process is hanging over your head. And like you said, there is history here with her, and she has eroded your confidence.

It's hard to concentrate when there is this kind of stress, and for many of us, it's hard to problem solve when our emotions are on tilt. This is the time to lean on friends, support groups like this, family, therapists, whatever it takes until the stress dials down a little and you can do this stuff on autopilot more or less.

High conflict custody battles breed a lot of insecurity because there is so much uncertainty (not to mention cost), and the fear about your son's future is well placed.

About the stress: I can't say enough about having a mindfulness practice, if you are inclined. When I was most broke, I used a free app on my phone (Insight Timer) and began practicing with guided meditations. Jack Kornfield, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Tara Brach, there are others who became familiar voices when my stress levels were through the roof and even now, when things are relatively calm.

It can make it easier when you are trying to change deeply ingrained habits.

[RiseAbove]

The common thread of the BPD being "all over the board" is something I know all too well. ForMySon you should know that the advice you are getting is dead-on; it's not about the money or "going without" for your child. It's all about trying to control you. My uxBPD lives in a $500K house, has luxury cars, insists on having my kids attend private schools, travels in a new mercedes winnebago, and I still get nasty-grams about needing to pay for things like Yearbooks, or (I'm not making this up) the purchase of Aloe from Walgreens in case the kids get sunburned. She put a calligraphy pen on the shared expenses sheet.

My experience is that is simply doesn't matter what the situation is, or the specific example the BPD uses to try to assert control. There will ALWAYS be something. So figuring out how to set boundaries and not engage really seems to be the only way to survive.

For your amusement, these are some excerpts of interactions I've had in the last week with my ex:

Email sent to me and my lawyer from ex: "I have not yet decided about the direct course of action for child support; I am deeply concerned about <my> retaliation on the children if I make this court request... .My only concern is for the safety, well-being and stable upbringing of the children."

Texts yesterday:
ex: "shorts I bought <child> for track were not in the bag with her track uniform top.  Please verify I can stop to pick them up from your front porch today or tomorrow after school."
me: "i do not see any track shorts at my house"
ex: "Let me look again when I get home through all the clothes the kids had in bags. <Child> was wearing the shorts at the meet last weekend and seemed to like them.  The shorts are blue but have logo written on the front lower corner.  I appreciate you looking for them for <child>.

So-- I am a monster that will abuse my children if she decides to unilaterally demand child support despite our SPP saying neither party will do so (and she already lives a rock star lifestyle). But I am also appreciated for looking for shorts for my child, despite knowing they were in the transition clothes bag all along. I believe the texting was just her attempt to reach out and try to connect with me-- the entire situation is unnecessary as the child has plenty of other shorts.

What I'm saying is: be prepared for the ride, because it is just starting.

[ForeverDad]

Why didn't she just get the bills transferred into her name?

It may be negative engagement, something to argue about.  If you're out of her life and only dealing with matters related to your child, that leaves her feeling not in control.  She has to have someone to idolize (at the start of a relationship) or abuse/accuse (at the end of a relationship).  Her neediness drives her to actions that don't make common sense.  You can't reason with someone who isn't reasoning.  That's what firm boundaries, well thought out, are so crucial.

Another thought - and probably don't explain this to her - is that if it goes to a court to decide and she earns less than you then you may be ordered to pay child support.  CS is for the child and the expenses the child may incur but the reality is it is a lump sum of money handed to the parent and to a large extent that parent gets to decide how to use it.

Right now I'm guessing there are no orders and so you can properly decide not to pay certain bills that have nothing to do with parenting.  The worst she can do is fuss and you just document it.  But be forewarned, court is not likely to come down on her hard for demanding cable or internet.  It knows separations are often fraught with high emotions and it will probably assume everything will all calm down once the parents have had time to adjust to post-relationship life.  You know differently, she has core issues that won't resolve themselves and if she is the sort that things have to be resolved in court then it may take repeated returns to court for the court to believe you that she is still a problem parent.

[livednlearned]

Her neediness drives her to actions that don't make common sense. 

Her emotions can too.

BPD is about mood lability that can be hard for us to fathom. Part of this goes hand in hand with splitting -- she may be on a tear and totally flooded with powerful emotions, one minute hating (splitting black) and the next wanting to connect (splitting white). For pwBPD, these two states don't tend to co-exist, which is probably as confusing to them as it is to us.

Sometimes, people with BPD really do not have recollection of what was said or done or thought during times of emotional dysregulation. There is instead a shame hangover, covered up with defense mechanisms to try and distract from the trail of mess.

This is not an excuse, it's an explanation.

Either way, boundaries for the win. 

[ForMySon]

Thanks for recommending splitting. I will read it again in the next week. It was very enlightening, and actually helped me calm down and think about my case. I think that my biggest concern moving forward was the unpredictable vindictiveness that I've seen multiple times. I know there are going to be a lot of allegations moving forward, and I now know how to best approach this situation.

One of the big things that I constantly tried to do during individual counseling, even during the relationship, was to work on boundaries and maintaining them appropriately. I knew that during my relationship they had all but been eaten away. I see it even now when trying to work out bills with my ex.

I know all of this will get easier in the long run. It's just hard to be patient not knowing how my son is truly doing. I know how i was doing when there, and i find it hard to fathom that he wouldn't eventually end up in the same situation.

I keep thinking back to a point in our relationship, and i remember i was trying to be able to Kayak more with friends (i vey rarely was ever able to do anything without her). I remember part of my reasoning led to the question are you going to let our son play with friends outside when he gets older? She said she didn't know. That struck me as odd. This question has haunted me for almost 2 years now. I think i really knew at that point what life for my son was going to be like. For both of us. I justified her behaviors by thinking that if it wasn't me s2 would just witness it happening to someone else, and at least i would be there to protect and shield him from that. I should have known from the response to my question that i couldn't protect him while still being there. I now know that i have to do what i can to show my son healthy. That's the only way he'll know it.

My work has agreed to my new schedule so that i can get some son time two times a week. I feel really supported by them i this endeavor. I wonder how long I'll be able to visit him at daycare until she throws a monkey wrench in that plan.

[ForeverDad]

I lost one daycare, she had originally used that one but one time she came in and evidently demanded to pick him up early outside the written exchange times.  They "withdrew services".

Another daycare I used called the police on her for following their school shuttle and making a scene in their workplace.  The director actually went to the court house and filed an harassment case but withdrew it the next Monday when told it was a police matter next time.

After years of disparagement and about 5 years after the divorce, I presented recordings to the court which resulted in the magistrate multiple times writing she was disparaging me in front of our son.  By then he was 11, kind of late IMO.  She testified that was her voice but she didn't remember any of it.  Also, she disagreed with the GAL's statements and simultaneously said she didn't remember.  After 2 years of divorce proceedings and 5 years post-divorce, lawyers and court finally addressed those behaviors.

Lots of times my Ex would deny, "I didn't say that."  She clearly remembered anything she saw as my fault, but never remembered anything making her look bad.  At some level she had to know because she was able to weave her stories so well.  I never tried too hard to figure out whether she really remembered or not, I concluded it would be wasted time, energy and effort.

[livednlearned]

I wonder how long I'll be able to visit him at daycare until she throws a monkey wrench in that plan.

If she feels more desperate about losing ground, what does your gut say about how this will play out?

Has she made any false allegations before?

[ForMySon]

I feel like she's going to do whatever she can in order to make it the most difficult to see s2. I don't know how it will actually play out. She could do anything from miss work everyday to switch daycare. I would like to think that since its technically supervised there's no illegal actions on my behalf.

[ForeverDad]

Because I worked a regular schedule, my ex claimed she "worked from home" and she was trying to sabotage my parenting time, I considered my scheduled time with my child was at risk.  She had already tried to take over the after school time.  Her claim was that I was at work and so mother was better than a day care and him playing with other kids.

In our final decree settlement she didn't want my aged parents to care in place of me.  They were quite old and father already in a nursing home.  So I agreed to exclude grandparents from care.  (She had a mother she couldn't stand and a father she had seen a few times as a teen, I didn't see them as likely to try to parent.)  However, the clause I wanted was that my time was my time and her time was her time, neither of us could grab the other's time.  So how to handle her trying to take over after school time before I was able to leave work and pick him up?  My clause stated that daycare had the same status as school.  There is no clash about school times, it is not seen as impacting who gets parenting time.  No one says "I have to give up my time to my ex because there is (or isn't) school that day."  I wanted the same for daycare, just because I was not present did not mean ex could swoop in and take over.  Maybe that strategy wouldn't work for some members here, but it was what I needed to address her expected takeover attempts.  Sure enough, she tried but the order withstood those times.  Police were called but the clause in my final decree protected my parenting time.

[david]

A good thing to do is write down what problems you are having and write down a solution that doesn't negatively affect either parent. Make sure all these things are addressed if/when you go to court. This way you don't forget something.
Any anticipated issues you can also address in court. The judge agreed with all my recommendations except one and copied them exactly as I wrote them. They were very specific. We had a court ordered parent coordinator and she even pointed out that our order didn't sound like judge abc. She said they were very specific and that judge usually wrote things very generally. That would not have worked in this situation because ex would always interpreted things however it pleased her. Our order locked things in with no wiggle room except, "Any changes are to be done through an email exchange. Both parents must explicitly agree in their respective email exchange. Once an agreement is reached it can not be changed unless another email exchange does so." That is not exactly how it is written but it gets to the point. I also make sure when either of us uses this point that I make sure I say that this is a one time occurrence and not to be considered a permanent change.

[livednlearned]

I feel like she's going to do whatever she can in order to make it the most difficult to see s2. I don't know how it will actually play out. She could do anything from miss work everyday to switch daycare. I would like to think that since its technically supervised there's no illegal actions on my behalf.

If it's your L who is advising you to see S2 during daycare, then you're probably good to go!

Are you concerned about her smearing you to daycare?

Would you feel comfortable telling them that you and S2's mom are unfortunately in a high-conflict custody battle, and that you are visiting during daycare hours to avoid engaging mom directly, at your lawyer's advice.

If you are concerned that she will make false allegations, it might not hurt to address that up front, altho I know it can be uncomfortable.

When my ex made false allegations, no matter how small, I shone light on them whenever possible. He accused me of not including him in our son's 504/IEP process, so I emailed the school and cc'd N/BPDx. "Please be sure to include Mr. N/BPDx on all emails about any meetings. For the time being, I prefer to meet separately and focus on moving forward and finding solutions for our son's academic progress. However, it is important that Mr. N/BPDx is included on all emails and given the opportunity to attend a parallel meeting that he sets up to discuss his questions and concerns about the process."

Having a BPD co parent can teach you a lot! Outsiders like teachers, doctors, etc. do not typically know how to handle high-conflict domestic issues. Being able to propose solutions when things are heated can go a long way toward convincing people you are not the troublemaker in these situations.

"S2's mom is having a hard time over the paternity of our son, and I understand this conflict may spill over into your daycare. Please know that we are working through this in the family court system, and that I am following my lawyer's counsel. If you have any questions or concerns, please call and talk to me directly. I am also happy to have my lawyer send a letter if that would make you more comfortable. I want what is best for S2 and I know you do too."

[ForMySon]

I have a calendar that I document everything on currently. I like it because it is day by day. It tells of all of the interactions that I am allowed to have with my son. It has detailed everything that has happened since two weeks before I left. I have a journal that I kept off and on over the course of two years (I especially wrote in this when things were at their worst.)

As far as daycare I will let them know tonight what is going on. I didn't want to involve too many people until I was sure that I had paperwork filed with the court as I didn't want to show my hand. Well, I received my copy of the paperwork in the mail yesterday so I know that hers should be coming in the next couple of days.

6 weeks is going to be a heck of a wait to be able to have my son come and stay with me for the night. I'm so excited for that day, and I'm so scared of going to court (and being perceived by my ex as blacker than black) and fighting for custody of him at the same time. I really do believe that she thinks she is going to have him 100% of the time, get 75% of my paycheck, and I'll never get to see him (how I would like to live in her fantasy land sometime). 

Every once in a while I think of how it would be easier to be with my child if I just put up with all of that BS. I'm so far removed from the situation now though that I can see that it will never work. So until I can get to the point where I'm able to have my child without her I will be putting one foot in front of the other, lots of self-care (whitewater kayaking whenever I can), my dog, friends, family, therapist, lawyer, and whatever else it takes to make it to the start line 6 weeks from now.

Thanks everyone for your support. I will be back regularly to keep you updated on my progress.

[david]

Going to court was very intimidating for me in the beginning. It's like anything else. Once you experience it a few times it is easier to deal with.
I would bring everything you have with you for court. In addition, make a single piece of paper explaining everything you can as simply as possible.
I went to court for more time. I had copies of our youngest son's homework for three years. It was a big pile. I had one piece of paper on the top explaining the pile. It showed the total number of hw's and then the number done when he was with me and the number when with his mom. He did over 95% of his hw when with me even though his mom had majority of time during the school year. The courts need three of everything so I had three of everything. My attorney gave the judge his pile and opposing counsel their pile. The judge looked at the top sheet and asked ex if it was true. Ex had a choice to make. Agree, which she did, and the top piece of paper was introduced as evidence. Documented (paper) evidence holds more weight than verbal testimony. That is an important point. Courts and attorneys don't like it because it slows things down. However, judges must make their decision based on the evidence and paper evidence holds more sway than verbal testimony. If ex disagreed that would mean we would have to go through each paper to verify the top sheet. Since she knew I was truthful she really had no choice but to agree.
How much time you spent with your son prior to the separation and how much time after is important. Showing through emails, texts, etc how you were being denied time is also important. The only thing she can bring up is examples of you being abusive towards your son to try to restrict your access. She may say things but that should need to be proved. If that is the direction she goes then you could ask the courts for a therapist or someone recognized by the courts to observe you interactions with your son. You could make this a temp thing until the court is satisfied with the results. I wouldn't bring any of that up unless you need to. If it doesn't come up then forget about it.
Have a proposal for what you want. Ask for more and settle for what you think is best. That way both parties win in court. How you do that will depend on the county you are in and how things are done there.

[ForeverDad]

An important point to always remember is that if you're not seen by the court or the evaluators or other involved professionals as someone dangerous to your children then there is absolutely no reason for you not to get a 'normal' parenting schedule.  Yes, she will be sobbing and making horrendous emotional claims but they'll be unsubstantiated.  Remember, we're not talking about you fed a kid pancakes when you should have cooked eggs and bacon, that's not neglect.  Court deals with whether it is substantive child abuse, child endangerment or child neglect.  If the claims don't rise to the level of being actionable or aren't substantiated then the court or evaluators need to discount those claims.  Unfortunately, with all the flowing tears and wails the court can be swayed to move much slower to a better schedule.  Their emotional response to her will be to err on the side of extreme caution.  That is what you need to watch out for and ensure doesn't happen.  Her emphatic tales of smoke everywhere doesn't mean there is any fire.

So, if the court says it wants some additional time for evaluations, that's okay.  Meanwhile, try to get a better interim order.  But if it has already concluded there is no abuse or risk then there is every reason to proceed promptly to a normal schedule.  The child will not be upset to resume frequent visits, after all, before the current problems you had seen your child daily.  Unfortunately for dads, a 'normal' parenting schedule too often is as non-primary dad with alternate weekends (anywhere from 36 to 72 hours) and a few shorter visits in between.

Do the best you can.  There's no Pass or Fail, of course.  Be seen as the reasonable parent presenting solutions but also firm for what is right.  Don't let your lawyer pooh pooh it away saying, ":)on't worry, just sit quietly, we'll fix it later."  I was timid in court and the issues clearly visible from Day One weren't addressed until the Final Divorce Decree some 2 years later.

[david]

I became an EOW dad in 2008. It took going back to court to get more time. Eventually I got a court order that gives 50/50. I now have the boys more than that because ex gives me more time. Once I got to 50/50 the wind went out of ex's sail since in her mind she lost.
If I had to do it over I would have found a better attorney from the start. I didn't know what to look for so I thought the one I had was good. I learned to be more proactive/assertive and then I found a good attorney. I didn't know what to ask for and I figured the courts would do the right thing in the beginning too. Learning from my mistakes cost me money. Once I learned what I needed to learn I got better and things actually started to cost less too since I knew what I had to do and what my attorney needed from me.
I had some of the same experiences other dads have had. Courts favor the mom but not always. When I became a problem solver and stopped trying to defend myself from all the accusations I started "winning" more in court. 

[ForMySon]

The alligator tears, and the court believing them are something that I'm really concerned about. The Splitting book helped me realize to just be assertive in the face of that adversity. Realize them for what they are fabrications of a distorted reality. Some world that i know far too well to step foot into again.

I think after really exploring the hurt with a good friend, sitting down with my counselor and opening up, and having to get the process started with the lawyer to realize that in order to win this I have to be steady, reasonable, and put my son first.

Who i got to see today. It felt so good to see him and not have to fight to do it. I also sat down with the director of the daycare and told her what was going on. I told her that there could be spill over into her establishment, and i was sorry if there was. She agreed that what I'm having to go through to see him is a bit ridiculous. I also discussed getting paperwork and a good faith document from them about my parenting. She agreed. She also told me there was nothing they could do to stop me from getting him. Hmmmm... .Have to ponder that one. Maybe I'm just always willing to meet at the police station in 15 minutes. Hmmmm... .

Step, step, step.

[ForeverDad]

Years ago, back in early 2006, we were between orders.  The initial temp orders for protection had been dismissed and we were told not to come back except with long term type of cases which I understood to be divorce.  Well, immediately my separated spouse demanded I agree to supervised visits.  Well, since CPS and the court had "no concerns" about me and I had lived with an unrestricted alternate weekend temp order for a few months, I told her there was no basis for supervised.  She then walked out of court and I didn't see my preschooler for months, three actually.  Though I was paying for her phone, she never allowed a call to go through to him.  About a month later I hired a divorce attorney and filed for divorce.  It took nearly two months waiting for a court date.

During those 3 months I recall calling my local police for them to accompany me to go see my son.  I was asked if I had a court order.  I said, No.  I was bluntly told they wouldn't help until I had a court order in hand.  But of course if I did go to her door and she called them then they'd come rushing out.  Well, I could tell who they would consider the 'victim' and I didn't want to get arrested so I didn't try.  They explained it this way... .As separated parents we each had equal parental rights to the children but they were undefined.  Only with a written court order in hand would the police step in and try to apply it.

You don't have a court temp order yet for temp custody and temp parenting schedule?  Maybe that's what the daycare director meant, that without a court order then either parent can come and take the child?  (Since they have equal but undefined rights... .)

[ForMySon]

Well, now it's been brought to a head. I guess she got served her paperwork yesterday. This morning I received a message from her.

I provided daycare with paperwork and until paternity is established through the court and custody is determined by the court you may not see Colin there. They know to call me and police if you do appear. I don't like that it came to this, but I need to protect Colin and myself right now. Have a good day.

I called daycare, because I had discussed with them before this happened what would happen. The daycare director is keeping a record of the events going on. They told me that they would allow me time with my son as to them I am his father, and I have been with him since birth. That to their knowledge there is no reason for them to deny me access as they have an open door policy with parents and there is no court order that states otherwise. They also said that they would allow me time with him before placing the call to her. They were saddened to hear that she is blocking my access.

I also talked to them about not having the fallout from our relationship happening at their business. I told them that I am sorry that this is the only way that I could see my son, and that I am thankful for them for working with me and allowing me to see him there.

I wonder how much further she is willing to go to ramp this stuff up.

[livednlearned]

Hang in there. You're handling things proactively and being reasonable

Likely, she will direct her anger toward the daycare when they do not participate in her nonsense.

And unfortunately, expect her to take your son elsewhere. Altho if daycare is like it is where I live, it can be hard to pivot on short notice.

You may want to ask your L about an ex parte emergency motion -- this would allow you to produce an immediate court document establishing paternity or whatnot until a judge is able to hear the case. It works in different ways depending on where you live.

For example, I was able to get an ex parte motion immediately when (on strong evidence) I was able to demonstrate a reasonable concern that ex was not stable enough to care for our son.

It's basically a way for a judge to act swiftly with the understanding that the full matter will be heard at a later date.

[ForeverDad]

So is she claiming the child is someone else's?  Saying you have to prove you are the father may be a technicality the court requires but as a person may choose to perceive it also implies she might not have been faithful to the relationship.

Of course you have to be careful not to inflame too much, but essentially she's saying you're not the father until proven otherwise.  Does the court care whether she is trying to introduce the possibility of someone else being the father?  Or her insinuating it?  I guess there's no point to using it to weaken others' perception of her claims.

I wonder, if you visit your son at daycare and at some point she is informed and she calls the police, what would the police do?  You have been regularly paying for daycare and you have been regularly visiting him at daycare, perhaps even providing transportation.  You aren't currently trying to remove him.  She only called the police once court papers were filed.  Without a court order yet, what would they do, ask you to stay away?  Tell you to stay away while court is pending or else they would step in?  If so, should you suspend payment to daycare if visits are suspended?

In short, she sees a way to stay in control based on a technicality, getting the court to order or recognize a test is her way, since mothers often start as the default parent if the father isn't on the birth certificate, to keep you appeasing her.

Also, did you use a lab that your court recognizes?  If not, there's a possibility the test may have to be done over.

I just saw LnL's post, she made some realistic comments.  Ex parte is possible, typically it is granted for a week or two until court schedules a hearing for both parents to present their positions.  I would not be surprised that she rushes to make allegations against you in her own ex parte order.  I don't know the legal ins and outs but your lawyer may tell you that you can't file for ex parte until more obstruction occurs than just an email.  Or maybe you can?

[ForMySon]

I think what she is really saying is that I have all of the power until the court says otherwise. I don't think she can honestly think at this point that I am not the father. I carry his insurance, I have a notarized court accepted DNA test, have paid daycare, was listed on the emergency contact form as the father, and he has my last name. I would like to see her try and claim that though as most of these documents have been around for over a year. It's not like I got results back and didn't share them.

Trying to get an emergency hearing was part of what the lawyer delivered to court, and it was based off of the fact that I have been blocked from seeing my s2 up to this point. I haven't heard anything back from her on this issue though. I did receive all of the paperwork that she sent to the court. So I'm sure it will be very soon that I should be hearing back about the emergency hearing.

As far as the cops are concerned there is nothing that they can do. I'm not concealing or kidnapping my child. I have the DNA test that the state would use as I only wanted to do it once, and boy was it expensive. I called and asked L about my options, and she advised me to even go so far as to pick him up. There is no legal justification for what she is trying to do. There are no orders to say what I can or can't do with s2. The cop did tell her she had "sole" custody though so I'm sure that's why she thinks she is in the right in this. He also said I should try and work together with her until we had a court order.

The control factor was blunt and obvious in her message, and I won't be a party to it. I didn't respond as the thought of having to appease this person to just see my child is ridiculous. I don't expect her to appease me in order to see him. This information will be documented.  

Looks like T and I will have some things to talk about today.

[david]

Make copies of the dna test and other pertinent papers. Have them with you whenever you see your son. If the police show up you can show them the papers. It may help. Remember, you don't know what she told the police or anyone else.
If the police show up stay calm and show the proof. Explain what you are dealing with and that you have never been a danger before.
My ex tried to get me evicted from our house. The judge denied it. The next day she showed up with the police. I was literally in the driveway and the police were telling me I had 5 minutes to vacate the premises or they would arrest me. I pulled out the papers from the day before and showed them that the judge did not sign off on it. Ex convinced them a signature was not needed. I called my attorney, explained what was going on, and handed my phone to the police officer. After the police were convinced I was telling the truth ex simply said she was sorry and it was simply a misunderstanding. It took me several more things like this for me to realize she would do anything to get her way.
I also have a small audio recorder and a video recorder with me at all times just in case. My state doesn't allow it but I have it anyway to protect myself. I get yelled at in court when ex brings it up but that is the only consequence. Protect yourself because when my ex is cornered she will do whatever her feelings tell her.

[ForMySon]

So, I visited him at daycare, and I didn't have anything bad happen. We had a good time for about 20 minutes. He was very upset when I had to go. He didn't want to let go of me at all. I didn't get the chance to talk to the directors yesterday though so hopefully they will be there next Tuesday when I stop in again.

Still waiting to hear about the court date. I tried calling today to see if the lawyer had heard anything yet. I hope that we do get an emergency hearing.

What else can I be doing to help my case at this point?

[ForMySon]

So I visited him daycare this morning. The daycare has been instructed to call her when I show up to see my son. I was informed again today by BPDex that I wasn't supposed to see him there until the court had decided custody. She also informed me to return one of the two items I took of my son's that I bought for him and planned to use with him. It's so hard to be away from my son. It breaks my heart knowing that he really wants to come hang out with me for a while. I tell him I need to go, and he latches on so hard and doesn't want me to let go. I tried to hand him off to his favorite teacher today, and he tried to pull himself back to me. It's so heartbreaking. I can't wait to finally get to court. I need to have some time with my son in my life that isn't a hour at a time at daycare.

[Panda39]

You know... .those daycare workers might be good witnesses for you about your interactions with your son if need be.

Keep those visits going sounds like your son is having a wonderful time seeing you.

Panda39

[livednlearned]

The daycare has been instructed to call her when I show up to see my son.

This suggests that the daycare informed BPDx that they could not/would not prevent you seeing your son without some kind of custody order.

I was informed again today by BPDex that I wasn't supposed to see him there until the court had decided custody.

And this suggests she is trying desperately to control what you do.

Keep following your L's advice

She also informed me to return one of the two items I took of my son's that I bought for him and planned to use with him.

This is a pretty common coparenting-with-a-BPDx aggravation. Items you send home with your son may never be seen again. If you want your son to play with an item and keep an eye on it, best to take it with you. If you want him to have an object that might help him stay connected to you, best to let him keep it... .but don't count on BPDx allowing that.

[david]

You might also want to video your son at daycare showing how distressed he gets when you are leaving. It may help in court about getting at least 50/50 or even more time. It's obvious he thinks of you as his dad regardless of what BPDx is saying or doing. I view that as a positive. My ex tried to alienate them from me in the beginning. They used to complain that I was always punishing them, I was evil, I was abusive, etc. They once walked into my house, stopped, and in unison said, "We hate you and want to live with mom. We don't want to see you again." Stay focused on your son and realize court is a slow process. Even if it takes a year as long as he knows you love him things will work out.

[ForeverDad]

My story is slightly different from david's story.  But probably a lot of the difference depends on the children's ages, how indoctrinated (alienated) they've become, etc.

My son was a daddy's boy in his early years.  He was over 3.5 years old when I called the police (trigger for our separation a few days later) and he hugged me and sobbed for dear life during their entire visit and refused to let go.  That was great because otherwise I think I would have been carted off, my lawyer later told me the policy in my area is never leave a family dispute call with an empty back seat.  He never supported my ex's claims of child abuse, not until he was 6.5 yo and she lost the pediatrician when she raged at the staff.  She must have really coached him the next visit to say I beat him (on his shins, he was an active boy with assorted bumps and dings already there) when she tried to make me look worse than her.  So I bought a Clifford the Big red Dog book about "T-Bone Tells the Truth" and he learned the difference between truth and lies.

Sadly, you can't count on a disordered ex to play fair and not be underhanded.  Many here report that the kids were used by the other parents as leverage and weapons during the divorces.  So you have to be street smart and have documentation and witnesses that you really aren't Mr Evil Personified.

[ForMySon]

Those are all great suggestions. I'm going to try and touch on everything I can.

After talking with the directors the other day, I learned that when they didn't call as she directed she was very upset with the daycare directors. I was only there about 20 minutes. They documented her interaction and my interactions that day. They are documenting everything, and are even willing to do a deposition with my L. This is awesome as this is technically supervised visitation without BPDex.

The video idea would be good; however, I have to figure it out. He likes to take pictures and videos and watch himself. The video might be a distraction from what I'm really trying to do. I do get a couple of pics of us smiling and having fun together.

We really do have an awesome time whenever we are together. He is always big smiles and leading me around his class showing me everything. He always asks if he is going home with me. He asks about riding in my car. He's an awesome little boy.

As far as evil personified, I will say that is the thing that worries me the most about court. I'm not sure how she's going to say I'm evil personified. I'm not sure what strategy I should be bringing. I'll know more as the court date approaches, and I guess documents are submitted.

I also documented her messages, and I haven't responded. I don't feel that I need to. There is nothing I can say to change her opinion of what's going on.

She has also now taken a bigger interest in my hobby. She has started trying to make friends with people I tried to get her to talk to during the relationship. Is this her trying to put on a good face? Does she not think that they will learn the truth?