Not sure what to do.

[Joby1969]

I am looking for any help/advise.  My 19 year old daughter has BPD she has been in the hospital for 2 weeks and is getting out today.  She hasn't seen or spoken to us in a week, told the nurses/social worker said she doesn't want to talk to us or see us.  We are good parents that have done everything we can to help her.  She lies all the time, has poor Hygiene, Hoards garbage and dirty dishes (hiding them around the house), Steals from us, is verbally abusive even hits me (mother) sometimes.  She does drugs, sleeps with many guys and sends nudes and says disgusting things.  I don't know if we should let her come back home if she asks.  As stressful as it and IT IS worrying about where she will stay and how she will behave, my house is clean and peaceful.  Not tantrums and screaming.  Any suggestions?  I want to be a good parent but it's exhausting living with her.  Things have been going down hill fast since she was 11 and I have taken her to several therapist and doctors.  She is not getting the proper help as everything she says is a lie.  I had to cancel her phone and pay out the contract as her most recent bill was $722.43 (just one month).  I have to cut her off financially we have spent over $4400.00 in cell phone bills in the last 12 months.  Sorry for ramblings.  Stressed Momma.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SammysMom]

My daughter is only 14 and does ALL of what you have described.
I have found that the only thing i can do is set linits for my home and with things i can control.
Whom comes into my , what kind of behaviour i will even acknowledge.
I have a saying in 'if you can not talk to me with respect you will not get my attention'.
For a long time if she started attitude with me i would completley ignore her.
Now thankfully she tends to catch herself at times.
We have been doing therapy/counselling and programs since she was about 7 yrs old.
She is just now getting diagnosed as BPD.
About 4 months ago she stole from me, my bank card and took 30 out of my acct.
I called the police and made a police report.
I then bought a safe and a lock for my bedroom door.
She hasnt tried to steal from me since.
My daughter as well has been violent towards me, i have called the police about 10 times in a year. She has never gotten charged due to her age.
Sammy talks to people, sends them nudes as well... i have come to terms that she will continue to do it because of her low self esteem, shes made such a bad name for herself in real life she looks to people she doesnt know for that boost ... but she does it in a negative way.
All i can do is tell her positive things about herself on a regular basis and hope that she talks to strangers less.
Thankfully she has started meds for aggression and they have helped and she is making progress
My daughter is only 14... but if she was 19 and at the point of where your daughter is.
I honestly think i would let her go off on her own and figure out how the real world can be.
We cant make our children make thw choices they need to for themselves.
It will be hard as all heck but she needs those natural consequences to snap her into reality.

[Lollypop]

Hi there Joby

Welcome to the forum. I'm so very sorry to hear about your troubles.  Having an adult child with BPD is devastating in the family and I understand how you're feeling.

My BPDs is 26 and he got dx at 24.  He's returned home three times and you're right when you say that you like the peace when your daughter isn't around.

Your daughter has made a decision that she doesn't want to see you. So at this very moment in time, you don't need to do anything. I understand your fears and concerns about what happens next and the best thing is to try and be mindful; stay in the moment.

When was your daughter diagnosed, during this hospital stay?  What plans are there for treatment, if any?

I too did everything I could to help my BPDs' situation. I love my son but have hated the way he behaves. The more we've done the worse we've made it.  

I've been in this forum since he returned home.  Our lives are happier, our BPDs is stable and working. He's paying towards his living costs and getting his life together learning financial mgt skills since I stopped giving him money.

I learnt about BPD, as much as I could. Take a look at the top right hand side of this page. The more I learned the less I reacted. Ive learnt communication and validation skills that have completely altered how I interact with my BPDs. He's slowly responded.

For my BPDs to behave like an adult, he needed to be treated like one. He was reluctant but responsibility has been placed where it belongs. I am being the parent he needs, asserting myself with boundaries and limits - realistic limits.

I encourage you to start reading.  There's hope with a change in approach.

You do have a decision to make though, do you want your daughter to return home?

LP