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Author Topic: My 23 yr old daughter is driving my family apart  (Read 361 times)
gemnini
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 1


« on: March 25, 2017, 11:27:18 AM »

Hello, this is my first post & am unsure where to start. My family has consisted of my oldest daughter who is 25 & her son who is 4years, we've lived together for the past 5 years. My youngest daughter started cutting age 12, dropped out of high school & started taking drugs to self medicate. Then 1 &1/2 years ago moved to Montana to Job Corp. My mother paid for 30 days of detox inpt care & then my dtr continued & graduated from Job Corp as co-valedictorian. She couldn't find a job after graduating & decided to move in with her boyfriend & his father. She has a bad habit of jumping in to relationships. That lasted a month & then she got sick & lost her job & she broke up with her boyfriend. She had no funds & no where to go, so I said come home & I stressed to her the rules for coming home is. Job etc. Well, she came home & unbeknownst to me, had been diagnosed with BPD. She gave me her book on it & she fits it to a t. Since she's been home it's been nothing but a bad rollercoaster ride. Her rages are frightening & I fear the affect she is having on my grandson. She only has Medicaid & see's a counselor but he is not trained in BPD. Her older sister doesn't want to understand the disease & is threatening to move out. Although financially it'll be difficult on both of us. I'm on disability & she makes about minimum wage. It's tearing our family apart & I feel helpless & hopeless. It sounds awful but I wish my dtr didn't come home. She has no interest in getting a job & is only happy with her friends.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Lollypop
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 1353



« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2017, 03:24:40 AM »

Hi there gemnini

I'd like to welcome you to the forum. It's been my lifesaver since my adult BPD son 26 returned back home to live with us following diagnosis. I'm so very sorry to hear about your troubles and can totally understand. It's hard enough dealing with the diagnosis but there's the other more practical stuff of coping with the whole family. It's exhausting and devastating.

My BPDs26 has left home 3 times always returning after his relationships broke down; he overstayed his welcome and his behaviours were unacceptable. The last time was following a crisis at 24 and his diagnosis made so much sense. We accepted him home very reluctantly, I have a younger son too and my BPDs was involved in the drugs scene. I just didn't know what was going to happen; whether we'd cope or ask him to leave.  

I encourage you to read as much as you can about BPD. This help me understand his behaviours, his reticence to accept responsibility for himself, his anxieties etc. This helped me not react to him. I then realised that how I spoke to my BPDs had a negative impact on him. By better communication using short statements and a lot of validation he started to listen. Improving communication and validation skills will help interact better. This is a good start.

We are all different and our situations were different. Personally speaking, my BPDs26 did not want to grow up and he was reluctant to take responsibility. Because I wasn't being the parent he needed, because I accepted his behaviours and enabled him by doing things for him he should be doing himself, I stopped his development and continued this "teenager" mode of living.

We decided we were prepared to have him live with us and feed him while he got his life together. I tried forcing a job on him and treatment. This backfired. I stopped giving him money but continued to try and create a supportive and loving environment because whatever happened he needed us to be assertive but loving. I'd always been too hard or too soft. It took him 3 weeks to find himself one days work and he now works casually but full time (more or less). He contributes towards his living expenses and he's learning how to manage his finances. I'm prepared to emotionally support him while he progresses. There's a way forwards for you, it's not easy, but our family has grown closer and happier despite the problems.

I was lucky as my second son was younger. You have an older daughter and grandchild living with you and you rely on their income. There's a lot to consider and I can say it's hard to get all the family members understanding BPD and on board to helping their BPD family member.

To behave like an adult, my BPDs needed to be treated like one. I am not responsible for him, how he makes his living, whether he chooses treatment, how he spends his time. I decide on my own boundaries what limits there are in my house.  

This forum has been my life saver and I look forward to reading your posts.

I think once you've read up on BPD you are in a better position to sit down with your older daughter and make some decisions. There is a way forward together but there's ups and downs, it's a matter of keeping your eye in the longer term goal of our kids living independently from us.

How do you think we can help you?

LP




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