Deal Breaker... and you're gone.

[loyalwife]

     After a week of drama, and separation, my heart is heavy tonight.  I feel all alone and wanting so much to save my marriage. It has been on the brink for at least a year. The cycling that my husband was going through push/pull and his increased hostilities ended up with a 911 call, protective order and finally a termination of that order.  His Deal Breaker consists of calling the police. This isn't the first time, that I felt my life in jeopardy. I know though when he is raging he can't stop until he finishes. He flipped out on me and said that he snapped. Now, it has been a full week. There has been so much craziness on both our parts. Who's right and who's wrong? Love shouldn't hurt, but it has and it has gotten worse.
     When we first got married, the world was fun and we were finally enjoying life at 'our ages'. Then my dad died, my dogs moved in and we invited my son to live in our house as we moved into another place. These decisions were made by my H BPD, but he didn't want them. He has said that he was afraid I wouldn't love him. After making these decisions, he would re-think them and decide he was wrong. This animosity has built up and he's been so unhappy. I know this, but then there are times, when he is the nice J___ that everything runs like a clock. He told me recently that life was good for the first time and he had hope and was happy. So, is he or is he not?
      Calling the police was a boundary for me. When someone threatens to hurt you physically, you have to take action. He has threatened my sons life, my dogs life and his life. When he raised his fist to me, and yelled (in a horrible voice) get away, I ran. He ran away from the house like a little boy. He ran away from me, and yet I feel he is running away from himself. When the protection order was lifted, he showed such hatred for me, and told me he hated me. So, here I am.
     I miss him so much. I've learned a lot about BPD, yet I've failed to validate him and be calm when it was needed. Now, the line has been crossed, and he said that it is over. His wedding ring is off, and he said we are married only on paper. My heart is breaking.
     My son tells me to wait and give him space and let him come back to me. That really is all I can do. He may not, though. He may not. He is a controller in that I hadn't any credit card, wasn't on the bank account, nor did I know about finances. He canceled everything when he left, and said that by night fall everything about me would be erased from his life. He erased all my photos on facebook, blocked me.  Last night he said that he would chat and that he needed a day off from me. But isn't he asking for a lifetime away from me. I'm so confused and afraid that I am reading too much into it.
      I think he doesn't know what he wants.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I suspect that you're right, he doesn't know what he wants. More to the point, what he wants changes from moment to moment along with his emotions. It's truly an exhausting and confusing position for the non to be in. Anyone experiencing what you wrote about would be left that way.

I'm glad that he ran away when you yelled at him and that he didn't hurt you. Do you have a safety plan in place in case things escalate again?

I tend to believe that your son is right, you should give him some time and space to bring his emotions back to neutral. It typically takes people who exhibit BPD traits longer to reach emotional equilibrium than it does others.

In the mean time, you can use the space to work on you. You noted some financial concerns that you can start to work on to protect yourself in the future.

This sentence stood out to me:

I know though when he is raging he can't stop until he finishes.

While that may or may not be true, it doesn't mean that you have to be around or take part in his raging. Have you taken a look at the 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict? Before the two of you can make things better, you have to stop making things worse. In your post, you mentioned that you recognize some habitual things that you do that probably only make things worse.

It's good that you recognize these things! It means that you can change your own behaviors and thus change the dynamics of the relationship. Don't expect a drastic change instantly, and don't get discouraged if things seem to get worse before they get better. Anticipate that this is going to happen and be prepared for it.