Daugher in bed for 2 weeks - need help/advice

[tagworth]

HI,

My 20 year old daughtre with BPD has been in bed watching Netflix, etc for 2 weeks. She gets out of bed to eat.  In the past 2 days she has transitioned to the couch some. Her nights and days are confused.  She is angry with me about a choice I made to go on a vacation and exclude her. I have tried to ask her what is going and to tell her that I am willing to listen.  I have read several articles on boundaries.  I was coping as the weekend approached but today I am anxious and feeling afraid. It dawned on me this AM that she hasn't showered in 2 weeks. I did get a little smile and chuckle out of her last night wben I was being goofy with her.  I then told her I missed her smile and her laugh. She responded, "Well that sucks."  I asked her about showering this AM in regard to health and bacteria build up. Her response was, "Just leave me alone."  I almost want to hold an intervention.  I am sure that wouldn't go over very well. She does have medical insurance and treatment is an option. She is choosing to not got to therapy. She told me last week she was researching therapist.  Her illness makes me so mad. It makes me so distracted from doing my job. I hate that she suffers like this!  Can anyone help me, hold my hand and make some suggestions?   I feel like I need help and support!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Studebaker]

I don't really have any advice. I have not experienced this with my daughter. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through and I wish you the best with your daughter.

[Lollypop]

Hi Tagworth

Oh that inate need to fix is so very strong for us all. I couldn't stand it any longer after a month or so after my BPDs26 returned home. He just moped about monosyllabic, so depressed, I got him to agree to go the A&E to try for a referral to see a psychologist. Me interfering again and yes, he got the referral, but it totally alienated him because I used the opportunity to vent about his behaviour. Having said that there was a silver lining because it shook my BPDs to understand we all were struggling with his behaviour. It wasn't too long after he found his first days work. He did not go to any appointments, 6!

I've thought of intervention too. Since diagnosis I've thought that this just wouldn't work as he'd find it overwhelming and stressful, unable to think or hear what the problem is.

I didn't insist on treatment as part of the requirement to live at home but there are others on the forum that feel treatment is the priority. Personally, I feel that until my BPDs is absolutely committed there seems little point, he's failed at so much and I want this cycle to be broken. I prefer to getting him to behave like an adult and getting him the skillset he needs to live independently Successfully.

I got myself a plan. Timing and your priorities are important. It sounds like you need a plan.

How's your daughter managing financially?
What do you want? I know this is a big question!

LP

[tagworth]

HI Lollypop,

My daughter depends on me totally financially. She was fired from her job in February for oversleeping. it was the first job she truly loved and wanted to pursue for her career. 

What I want? I want my daughter to live on her own. Go to college. Get into therapy. She made such great improvement and had such growth in the past year and now this setback.

It has been suggested to me and to my daughter that she apply for SSI disability.  So I am working on that application.

I want to feel joy again and not be consumed by my daughter's illness. I know I need to work on developing better coping skills. I am working on that.

Tagworth

[wendydarling]

Hi Tagworth

My 28DD made it though school and university, to work, her world fell apart 2 years ago. This Xmas she gave up work (3-6 months) to focus on recovery, it's tough journey for her and it takes time, one step forward, two back, three forward, she's been in DBT for 9 months. It has taken 3 months for her to apply for disability (not my fix  ) and now she's waiting to hear from them. Meanwhile I am now supporting her financially - I asked her to share her outgoings and that provided her some relief, phone, pet plan etc - and she offered to cancel the non essentials 

My DD is diagnosed BPD and co-morbid depression, anxiety, psychosis, sleeping disorder (recent) and severe ED is back for which she had a years treatment at 18. My approach is bottom up, her re-establishing her life and wellbeing, one that works for her through treatment, she attends twice weekly.

My DD tweets for BPD, mental health and ED. My favourite go to site, so very helpful, where they are not alone   and I learn their perspective https://themighty.com/borderline-personality-disorder/

Depression is the biggest pit for my DD (bedroom bound time), it's held my DD back, changed meds a number of times and doing well now. I think Spring coming helps too.

I hope that helps you, happy to answer any questions you have, hold your hand and walk with you.  You are right developing your skills, looking after you and understanding your DD helps.

Small steps and hope
WDx 

[Lollypop]

Hi there Tagworth

Your daughter must be finding it very hard to deal with losing her job, especially one that she loved. A big set back following a year of progress by the sounds of it. It's just so emotionally draining trying to deal with their emotions as well as your own.

Progress isn't always linear and sometimes I need to remind myself that.

You've got yourself a goal; your daughter to move out and live independently. Snap - mine too! I could clearly see that my BPDs needed to learn how to manage his money first, it's been a slow process but he's getting there now.

You've also mentioned two others - college and therapy.

Does your daughter want to go to college?

Is your daughter on any medication for BPD or maybe depression? I'm wondering if she's fit to work but I guess not if you're applying for disability?

LP

[tagworth]

HI Lollypop,
My daughter does want to go to college. She has one semester under her belt. She shared with me when we were out to dinner about 3 weeks ago that she thinks if she could just go to school and not work then the pressure would be less.  As far as work and disability, I have seen her work in jobs over the past 2.5 years and observe that with work she seems to get dysregulated when she has to interact with other coworkers.  I do think that if she were in weekly therepy she could work on the skills needed to help her cope.  The therapist she really loves does not take insurance and it is just not affordable at $125 an hour. DD is supposedly looking for new therepist. 

It was suggested to me by an attorney that we get our dd on disability to help relieve some of the expenses we incur with her illness. So I am trying. 

Have a nice day Lollypop!

[Lollypop]

Hi Tagworth

I hopped over from your other thread.

Your daughter sounds like she's problem solving and this is a good thing. There'll be other students and other pressures to handle but it sounds like she's prepared for it as she's got her first semester done.

I guess you're waiting to see what she does next about returning to college and her therapy.

It is frustrating waiting and my BPDs was stuck for a long time, so very reluctant and full of fear. He'd set himself unrealistic goals and then fail, get depressed and on went the cycle. Our relationship was very poor then - pre dx. Since improving my communication and validation skills AND passing the responsibility of his life to him he's slowly progressed; learning by his mistakes.

Hopefully, the disability will come through ok, your daughter will find a therapist and chooses to go back to college. One step at a time. Slowly forwards at her pace. This is one of the hardest things for me, I'm a doer and I've needed to be patient. Not easy when it appears that nothing is happening but of course just because I can't see it, doesn't mean that it's not there and happening.

I've set my boundary: no drugs or smoking in the house.  I've set my limits: financial contribution to his living costs and helping out when needed. I keep it very simple.

You're doing great Tagworth. Baby steps.

LP

[tagworth]

Lollypop,

Thank you!  I really appreciate your affirmation and sharing. It is meaningful and helpful.  I too am a doer, fixer, problem solver and connector.   It is hard to let go, set limits and boundaries and be patient.  Do you find that friends and family don't help the situation with their advice and questioning? It frustrates me when a friend or family member suggest that I kick my dd out or force her to do something.  As if.  So to have you share and encourage me validate me.  That is worth its weight in gold! virtual hugs!