Thank you to this board for saving my life today

[bananas2]

Hello family,

I just wanted to write a note thanking you all for being here. I was at the end of my rope this morning after being abused (sexually, financially, & psychologically) by my BPDh last night (certainly not the first time). Was ready to end it all today, seeing that as my only means of escape. I didn't post about it since I was feeling too damaged and numb to post. But I went on the site today & read others' stories & posted a few things to hopefully help others. It made me feel productive, worthy, & valued. So thank you all for being here. Every time you post is important. Even if you don't get a reply, it may be helping others just by reading your post & realizing they are not alone.

Backstory: For those of you who don't my story, I'm physically disabled & often can't remove myself my BPDh's abuse, so setting any kind of boundaries is nearly impossible since he knows I can't leave. Can't rely on police bc his family member is a high-ranking officer & also bc if hub goes to jail for abusing me (he's been arrested twice now for assaulting me) then he loses his job, so I then lose my home & my much-needed health insurance.

[JoeBPD81]

Hang in there!

You never know how useful you are to others, this experience makes us feel more alone than ever, sometimes. Next time, do post about it, you are not alone. 

I wish you the best, and I hope you don't have to face those thoughts again. You are a valuable person, you deserve people who appreciate you around.

Thank you, for still being here.

[isilme]

bananas2,

Is there a women's center in your area that might be able to find a way to help?  Or a local church?  Maybe if you get to a point like today and he's gone, someone could simply come get you.  I know the loss of health and financial support are scary, and you are in a highly dependent state at this time, but maybe they could assist you in finding a way to establish a new balance.  I want to help you find OTHER ways out.  I've been tempted at several points in my life.  I just felt guilty over the idea of anyone finding me.  So I can honestly say I have been low and speak from that level of pain and desperation.  

One of the big hallmarks of BPD is isolation to prevent you from have other support at all, or from leaving.  So we all need to brainstorm to get you some local, physically able to be present, support.  In my town, we have the women's center - it's not big (tiny town), but it's something.  Also, if you file a police report (hard for you, I know), the housing authority steps in to assist in getting you out.  And, there are local churches who step in to help people, community assistance via facebook.  It's just a matter of getting you someone local to be there in a pinch.  And maybe all they would need to do is take you to a close friend or relative's house if such a person could take you in for a while.  

Also, just as a question - in the case you want to go scorched earth and get your H arrested, is there any ethics committee that may benefit from being informed that a high ranking officer is complicit/aiding/abetting in the emotional, physical and sexual abuse of his relative's physically disabled wife?  Hell, maybe a newspaper?  Police Departments hate that kind of publicity.  I know that would be very scary, but take THEM down, not yourself.  There are other solutions out there - let us think through some options and help.

[Grey Kitty]

I wouldn't say "in case you want to go scorched earth" ... .I'm sure you absolutely do NOT want to do that.

My fear is you may find yourself with no other choice someday.

Also, just as a question - in the case you want to go scorched earth and get your H arrested, is there any ethics committee that may benefit from being informed that a high ranking officer is complicit/aiding/abetting in the emotional, physical and sexual abuse of his relative's physically disabled wife?  Hell, maybe a newspaper?  Police Departments hate that kind of publicity.  I know that would be very scary, but take THEM down, not yourself.  There are other solutions out there - let us think through some options and help.

If you are thinking about higher/more powerful resources you could take this up to, consider the municipal government which is in charge of the police department as well. They don't want a scandal regarding abuse in their police department either.

bananas2, I know you don't want to do anything like this. Still, you might feel better if you find you do have an option or two should things get that desperate!

[waverider]

My fear is you may find yourself with no other choice someday.

This is important. Life without boundaries often leads us to the end of the road with no effective brakes, and worst case scenario happens regardless.

[isilme]

Sorry for the metaphor - I just wantedbananas2 to know if it gets that bad again, being willing to out the husband and risk his arrest, and all that entails may actually be worth it, and may offer some help she has been trained to not consider.  Like some for of internal affairs, like some sort of higher authority. 

The almost Stockholm's Syndrome-like thinking a person staying with a pwBPD or many other PDs for that matter, can narrow our ideas of what we can do.  It is a nature of the abuse to include alienating your friends, family, and isolating you and the pwBPD, to prevent you from talking about them, sharing anything mean they do, and from them having to own up to their actions in any way. 

I'd really like to know if there is ANY kind of women's center or domestic violence help locally, as an alternative to calling the police directly, or who could advocate forbananas2, as well as maybe find other venues for healthcare.  If the high levels of financial dependency can be chipped away, and someone can help, it will help keep that despair away.  Despair comes too often from feeling you have no choices.  I will admit there are almost always super no easy choices, but some are less scary than others. 

Not sure if this might help, I'd delete it from your phone after you use it, or hide it under something silly like, "plumber" to keep it from being obvious what it is in case he goes through your phone check out these sites and the numbers associated with them:

www.crisistextline.org/
https://www.domesticshelters.org
www.thehotline.org/

One of these might be able to tell you of what is in your area, or offer real solutions you may not have considered. 

[bananas2]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and suggestions.

Is there a women's center in your area that might be able to find a way to help? Or a local church?

I have utilized two different women's shelters in my area. I was physically unable to stay at the shelter bc of my condition. I also got help from them with counseling & pressing charges, but that didn't work out for a number of reasons (too much to explain in detail here). A local church was also involved in that failed attempt of trying to get me out.

If you are thinking about higher/more powerful resources you could take this up to, consider the municipal government which is in charge of the police department as well. They don't want a scandal regarding abuse in their police department either.

Since the local police are no longer an option, I did tell our local magistrate what was going on in their dept, and she ordered them to do an internal investigation. I need to find out how I can follow up on that.

And maybe all they would need to do is take you to a close friend or relative's house if such a person could take you in for a while.

I don't have anyone who could take me in. Only my elderly father who can barely care for himself bc he is dying of cancer, and a friend with 5 kids in a two-bedroom house.

I have spoken to domestic violence centers, crisis centers, lawyers, disability advocates. I honestly don't think there is anyone I haven't spoken to. The biggest problem now seems to be a lack of evidence of abuse. After his previous assault arrests, he has learned how to not leave any evidence. He will scream & threaten me in person, but only when he makes sure my phone is not around to record him, although he has often recorded me crying & having panic attacks so that he can have evidence of "how crazy I am." Then he sends me nice texts as evidence of his "love & concern" for me. He has even taken texts I've sent him when I was angry/confused/afraid & sent them to everyone in his family and his therapist to demonstrate my "insane delusions."
Also no evidence of any sexual abuse bc he's learned how to work that angle too. He threatens & berates me (sometimes for days on end) until I can't take it anymore & agree to perform whatever demeaning sex act he chooses just so he'll leave me alone for a day or so. So technically & legally, I "consented."

I'm coming to realize that since I can't physically escape him, that emotionally removing myself from him is my only true escape. I post in this "Improving" section of the boards so that I can improve myself, practice my self-care, vent, learn strategies to lessen the conflict, & hopefully help others too.

[isilme]

He will scream & threaten me in person, but only when he makes sure my phone is not around to record him, although he has often recorded me crying & having panic attacks so that he can have evidence of "how crazy I am."

Record him back.  Laws vary state to state, but in my state as long as one party (you) is aware of the recording happening, it's legal and admissible.  Even if it's not allowed in a court, it will back you up, especially if you can get multiple days recorded.  There are small, innocuous digital recorders that can last for hours.  Have one going each day, sitting in a spot where it can pick up but won't be noticed.  Upload files from it to the Cloud somewhere like Dropbox as you can, so they are saved.  The inherent  meta data on the files will show when you recorded them (should at least) and when they were uploaded.  Voice recognition can prove who is talking.   He has not quite got you in a box, not totally.  Sure, he can have your phone, but a back up recorder going that he doesn't know about could help you greatly.

If you don't mind my asking, how mobile are you?  Are you able to move about the house after a fashion on your own?  Answer the door for deliveries?  That would help in finding a good hiding place for your own evidence gathering, and you could order from Amazon or somewhere and he'd not need to know you bought it.

Also, it's not cut and dry consent if coercion was involved.  I don't care what he's told you.  Part of my job is learning about and adhering to laws about informed consent, and get this -  a college professor cannot even gather data directly from his own class by asking them to do a survey, WITH a signed consent form due to the POSSIBILITY of coercion - consent is tainted in that very simple case.  So your situation is not consent, not matter what you verbally may say.

Man, I want to come get you myself.  

[JoeBPD81]

Your situation is horrible. We  (although different) are supposed to live in civilized countries, but the protection to victims of abuse is totally insufficient,  and it is not clear and easy to get.

My GF was left on the street with two kids, while her husband, who belongs in jail, was set free for lack of evidence, and leads a luxury life. He can go and abuse another poor woman, and that makes me mad... .I think the BPD on my love was caused mostly because of this, her bullies and abusers where protected and covered by her family and authority figures all her childhood, then as a mother, the system protected her (and her kids' abuser, that has to break your sense of reality apart.

I'm glad you are giving though to the whole situation. Reporting him is the right thing, but it also has to be the right thing for you, and only you know that. It shouldn't be like this, you should be able to go, without a plan, and then have a lot of support and protection,and help to make a life for yourself.  But you have already learned that this isn't the case in your town, so you need to have a plan, before making that decision. 

We are so unconnected... .There was a time that any true Christian would have taken you in, for the time you needed. Please, keep searching for an exit.

I don't get why someone that can't treat you right, wants to keep you by his side. He's truly sick. Would you have it better if you were to split without reporting him? Would he let you go?  Most abusers don't take it well.

I really don't know enough to help you, and I feel your pain. I know it's far fetched, but would you contact Dr. Phil's show?  I don't know the chances, but he gets help to those who go there. My GF loves him and he's actually helping her reflecting about her emotions and experiences.

I'm really sorry if I said something hurtful in any way. I wish I knew how to help you get the support that you deserve.  Please keep us posted.

[Grey Kitty]

After his previous assault arrests, he has learned how to not leave any evidence. He will scream & threaten me in person, but only when he makes sure my phone is not around to record him... .

This is an opportunity for you. You can either purchase better hidden recording devices to collect evidence of the abuse, like isilme suggested, OR you can be more vigilant about having your phone near you all the time and recording at all times, so he will be on "good behavior".

Either version puts you in a somewhat better situation than you are in now.

One other thought--you say that you've spoken to just about everybody you can think of already, and not gotten help. I do believe you. That said, perhaps trying again will help--you might get a different response next time. Or maybe hearing from you multiple times will convince them?

One last thought about evidence--can you keep a daily diary/log someplace private and secure from him? That kind of record, especially over time might help you. Plus when my marriage was abusive, having that kind of record, for myself, helped me keep my sanity. If nothing else, it was good to realize that what I was told one day directly contradicted what I experienced a day before... .I never tried to convince my wife of this reality bending problem, as it wouldn't have done much of any good, but just knowing that I was right, I was sane, and I really was being fed an insane mess of contradictions helped me find my strength and resolve.