Advice/ support/ help

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Not sure where to start or even if it's here
My partner of 7 years has BPD
I have 6 children, 2 of them are his.
He's under mental health
I'm struggling
We love him so much
But we all need help right now my kids are emotional wrecks and it's killing me
Can this work out without it ending in either him on his own or
Or will it result in my children needing help to deal with mental health issues
How do you know when to say no more

[Olive-Mary]

Not sure where to start or even if it's here
My partner of 7 years has BPD
I have 6 children, 2 of them are his.
He's under mental health
I'm struggling
We love him so much
But we all need help right now my kids are emotional wrecks and it's killing me
Can this work out without it ending in either him on his own or
Or will it result in my children needing help to deal with mental health issues
How do you know when to say no more

[acknowledgement]

Counseling for yourself is a great start - it will bring clarity to your needs, your plan and why you stay or go.

[Olive-Mary]

Thank you for your advice I'm on a waiting list for counciling both for me and the family so hopefully won't take to long.
I really appreciate your advise
Thank you

[Panda39]

Hi Olive-Mary,

I wanted to join acknowledement and welcome you to the BPD Family 

I agree getting Counseling will be helpful for everyone. Have you done much reading on BPD?  That was the first thing I did when I found out about BPD and how closely it fit the behaviors of my SO's (significant other's) uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife).  It really helped to understand BPD the chaos began to make sense.

Can you tell us a little more about your story?  What types of things are you struggling most with in terms of your husband?  We might be able to give you some tools or ideas that can help in some of those tough situations. What type of treatment or therapy is he receiving?

I wanted to also point out the box to the right --> Each item is a link to more information.  Where do you think you are in terms of your relationship? Click on the link and read more.

Hang in there you are not alone everyone here "gets it" 

Panda39

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Olive-Mary, Welcome!  Love is no cure for BPD, I'm afraid.  You can love someone, I've discovered, and still find it impossible to live with the emotional turbulence of BPD.  You are in a quandary, it seems, between hurting your SO and hurting your children.  What is the right path for YOU?  Only you can figure that out.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?

LuckyJim

[acknowledgement]

Sad to say, and from my experience as well, NO amount of love from a rational person can cure a BPD... .it is a matter of do you want to continue to live with those same experiences, explosives, emotional abuse, distancing, devaluing, painting black, push pull... .etc and etc because they will all repeat and repeat and knock you down until you finally stand up and say NO MORE!

[Olive-Mary]

He was told he had BPD in 2012
Since then he's been given counciling most recent is cognitive they had him on medication but he stopped taking it because of his job.
He's hit and miss with the cognitive therapy
He has cheated on and off for 6 years.
The last year being the only one he hasn't physically cheated.
He has trackers on my phone changes my passwords on everything when ever he wants. If I have no internet coverage then tracker doesn't work I get endless amounts of texts and phone calls. Saying really horrible things
He's mentally abusive to me and to the children calling them names and making them feel silly or unwanted at times.
He's always very sorry afterwards but just doesn't seem to see that his behaviour is wrong or sees it's wrong but can't stop himself from behaving like this again. He try's to tell me he needs to have a tracker on me as a safety blanket for himself ( I've never cheated on him in anyway I've always backed down and allowed him to do what he wants saying if you want to waste your time watching my every move do it I have nothing to hide)
He keeps saying he will go to the mental health and then doesn't or stops because he says he's ok
One of my children recently toke some pills because of what's going on and even this hasn't made him see that the way we are living is harmful to everyone
Thank you all for your advice it is very much appreciated

[acknowledgement]

Allowing someone to mentally or physically harm you is a hurtful choice; allowing someone to do it to your children is a whole other thing - ask yourself if this is what you want for YOU, then even if you are undecided, ask yourself... .those innocent kids... .they are developing ideas about love, security, life from watching you and him... .is this enough to ponder seriously of letting go and inviting healthy relationships to enter?

[Olive-Mary]

There's no question there I'm not willing to continue allowing my children to suffer
I hate to think I haven't exploded every possible avenue to keep my family together before saying enough
After living with this for the last 6 years I know without him excepting help and seeing it though nothing's ever going to change and I'm just not willing to let my children suffer anymore not for someone who although I do understand is fighting a daily battle of his own, simply is unwilling to see acknowledge and stop this harm he's doing to those he should be trying to protect.

[acknowledgement]

SOunds like you're on the path to making a firm, positive decision for you and your children to live an emotionally healthy life; even if he suffers with BPD or other issues, it is not your problem to rescue and solve - only he can help himself. You can read this board, the articles and practice some healthy boundaries and responses that will change this pattern of behavior for you and your children. We have all been here. We have all survived without accepting the torment of our BPD behaviors... .sometimes loving and caring for someone from a distance is the best solution to stay healthy. It doesn't mean we don't care, it just means we can't change their internal motor or thinking structure... .we can only change our reactions to their irrationality and emotional abuse.

[Olive-Mary]

I'm really starting to understand this from his reaction and behaviour even his thought process over the last 24 hours, it's really hard but I know for my kids this is the right decision
Thank you

[acknowledgement]

Stay strong; seek support here and otherwise for yourself. You will be able to stay strong and firm with your decisions with a support group. Keep a journal of all of these behaviors, etc and REREAD them when you feel weak - it really helps to ground you back to what your mind knows is right and sometimes your heart tugs with in the other direction. READ THE JOURNAL it provides clarity and reminds you of the reality, the truth... .not the hopes and dreams.

[Olive-Mary]

Experienced some of this today when I received a text asking me to read it to the children ( breaking it down he was saying he wouldn't see them for a while but to remember he is a good dad and loves them)
Then received a email ( again summing it up) he is having to stay in a hostel/ emergency housing because he has nobody and he nearly killed himself today because I wouldn't talk to him at 7:30 while I was caring and organising my children for school that I have destroyed his life and he hated me and wanted nothing more to do with any of us.
I felt so awful thinking of him in a place like that and on his own.
But as quick as I felt bad he sent another reminding me that this isn't my fault and that it's his behaviour bullying and illness that has done this and as awful as it is that he's there only he can change this by getting the help he needs.
I've sat fighting a battle with my head and heart since to receive a message from his mother saying he's turned up there.
Thanks for the idea of a journal though it a good idea

[acknowledgement]

push pull.Classic BPD.  I want you. I hate you. I don't want you. I love you. I don't want to be with you. It's all your fault. Not mine. Journal all of these irrational inconsistencies and again ask - is this what I want and need for myself and my children?