Suggestions please

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

At our last FCC with the judge he seized himself to the case and asked me to come up with a list of what would make me feel more comfortable with DS1.5 having supervised visits with his dad.
Not sure how many will be agreed to but I am hoping to address both the addiction and mental health issues.

Some things like court ordered DBT therapy, 90 day hair follicle tests- visits not to commence until 1st passed test submitted, parenting courses,  supervised visits a couple times a week at set hours with him being picked up and dropped off by supervised visits from daycare. Possibly a parenting coordinator but they run around $4000+ just for the retainer and seeing how ex communicates it would eat into that retainer potentially rapidly. Any other things you did ask for and help or didn't ask for and wish you had? Anyone ask for therapists input on BPD's mental health pertaining to kids/parenting time? ex has lied to pretty much every therapist to date so not sure it would be meaningful anyway.

Has anyone had supervised visits in place? How long did it end up being for?

Ex is convinced I am doing this to him (pending criminal charges for criminal harassment and disobeying court order and breaches of recognicanze,  etc) rather than seeing it as him being responsible for his actions or his inaction in treating his mental illness and addictions in ways that may have avoided this.

If I wanted to stick it to him the worst thing I could do is ask for 50/50 custody as that would seriously put a damper on the lifestyle he likes to lead. For my son and based on patterns of behaviour since son born the current protection order includes our son. So obviously that would also need to be modified.

I am also sick at the idea of starting this and then having him reintroduced only to bigger off again to chase his latest fix or garner attention from self harm or a suicide threat/attempt. Or the next time he seriously deregulates and our son is there.

Part of me wants to let it go to trial to give my son more stability. But it's also hard to know or feel if keeping him safe from his dad is best or am I just making things worse.

[Soulcrushed4]

At our last FCC with the judge he seized himself to the case and asked me to come up with a list of what would make me feel more comfortable with DS1.5 having supervised visits with his dad.
Not sure how many will be agreed to but I am hoping to address both the addiction and mental health issues.

Some things like court ordered DBT therapy, 90 day hair follicle tests- visits not to commence until 1st passed test submitted, parenting courses,  supervised visits a couple times a week at set hours with him being picked up and dropped off by supervised visits from daycare. Possibly a parenting coordinator but they run around $4000+ just for the retainer and seeing how ex communicates it would eat into that retainer potentially rapidly. Any other things you did ask for and help or didn't ask for and wish you had? Anyone ask for therapists input on BPD's mental health pertaining to kids/parenting time? ex has lied to pretty much every therapist to date so not sure it would be meaningful anyway.

Has anyone had supervised visits in place? How long did it end up being for?

Ex is convinced I am doing this to him (pending criminal charges for criminal harassment and disobeying court order and breaches of recognicanze,  etc) rather than seeing it as him being responsible for his actions or his inaction in treating his mental illness and addictions in ways that may have avoided this.

If I wanted to stick it to him the worst thing I could do is ask for 50/50 custody as that would seriously put a damper on the lifestyle he likes to lead. For my son and based on patterns of behaviour since son born the current protection order includes our son. So obviously that would also need to be modified.

I am also sick at the idea of starting this and then having him reintroduced only to bigger off again to chase his latest fix or garner attention from self harm or a suicide threat/attempt. Or the next time he seriously deregulates and our son is there.

Part of me wants to let it go to trial to give my son more stability. But it's also hard to know or feel if keeping him safe from his dad is best or am I just making things worse.

[ForeverDad]

Who will supervise?  Best is a professional (and neutral) agency and he pays.  Will you allow relatives or others to supervise?  Problem with that is that they would do sloppy supervising, or worse, turn into negative advocates.

Best not to nominate yourself as supervisor since an ended PD relationship is best kept at arms length and very limited.  You don't want to enable what could become 'negative engagement' with you.  Generally, you don't want him at your door inviting himself in or manipulating you for exceptions, guilting you with whatever claims, etc.

Sometimes when supervised visitation is ordered (and they're not free) the visits become less frequent as the other drifts away.  That may depend upon how much he sees the children as extensions of himself.

[takingandsending]

What is your ex doing currently with respect to DBT and sobriety, i.e. is he even likely to make it past those gates? If not, then the odds of him being reintroduced into your son's life are slim.

Getting him to pay for the supervised visits is a good suggestion.

[david]

If he has documented addiction issues then he needs to have documented proof that he is doing something about it. Until then he should not be seeing any children.
 
I have a friend that was given her grandson by the courts. The father, her son, passed away and the mother had substance abuse problems. The court ordered her to be tested randomly and on a schedule. In addition all visits were supervised and she had to show up at least 20 minutes before the child was dropped off so the supervisor could do an assessment of her condition. If the supervisor suspected things were not right she would cancel the visitation. She also was to enter a program for substance abuse. She failed to do everything the courts ordered. That was a process of close to a year. After that she lost complete access to the child and the courts told her if she showed up at the grand moms house she would be arrested.

You could also request that the court order him to go into therapy for the mental health issues if that is documented too. This all puts the burden of proof on him. The courts really can't fix it but they can require him to do something or he doesn't get to see his child. The courts are supposed to look out for the child's best interest.

Having consequences/boundaries for failing to follow the order are needed.

[Soulcrushed4]

Thank you everyone.

Yes I am hopeful the court will order addiction treatment and testing, parenting courses, formal supervised visits through an agency that he pays for and DBT therapy. We shall see how it goes. What sort of consequences for not following order?

Not sure how much difference it will make if any.

Ex has been in rehab, NA, addictions counselling and various talk therapies where it's seemed to be nothing more than another enabler or cover story for seeking out or carrying on his affairs/supply sources.

He's claiming 2 years clean time but I have a failed drug test from just over a year ago and his behaviour when he was charged with criminal harassment was what it used to be when actively using.