Just giving an update

[roberto516]

I was going to wait until this Monday when I will be a whole month of NC but I didn't want to lose what I wanted to share. So I have continued to do alright. This weekend I had some difficulty around Sunday. It's funny, I spent the day on my cell phone, laptop etc just distracting myself. I realized what I was doing and I finally told myself "enough. you have to feel." I put on a guided meditation which led to a lot of tears. I realized I just needed to do some good ol' crying.

I also belong to this site called "imgur". It's a lot of nonsense, funny stuff but there is a section called "uplifting". I browsed that last night and someone posted a bunch of quotes about a lot of things. A lot of them were about love. To summarize those quotes they all talked about how falling in love is a choice, commitment, and to fall in love with someone who will be there for you, understand you when you are upset or angry, carry you in the dark times.

I realize that she would never be able to do that in a relationship. For the first 16-17 months of the relationship I carried her emotionally and was her rock. I helped her through so many dark times. And then it came my turn. I needed support, attention, and just genuine concern. Did she try? Yes, to the best of her ability for the 2 days she was capable of emotional investment in me.

Now here's the real part I wanted to share. Do I fault her anymore for not being able to support me? No... .I do not. She isn't capable of loving and caring for another person. She isn't capable of loving herself. I can't fault her for that anymore. It's better I learned that about her now than 10 years later when we were married and had joint ownership of a house, etc.

The thoughts of her are not nearly as intense. At times I still wonder what she's doing and has she replaced me. Odds are she has. Whether its fully sexual/romantic or not I have to imagine there is someone else in her life providing her with emotional support or attention. I can't imagine she would change her behaviors after 36 years of doing the same thing. But it's not my concern. I think about those things but they don't hold nearly as much weight in my mind anymore. With enough time away I realize that I'm going to be okay and I really did dodge a bullet in the long term. I know what love is. I know what it is that I would want. It's all the things I did for her. I can't hope/expect someone to change because it suits me. I allow all these thoughts to be stripped to the emotion... .MY EMOTION... .and then I feel them and let them roll off.

Maybe these thoughts can help others or just provide insight into oneself. I know this introspection has helped me actually learn who I am for the first time in my life. I will always thank her for this experience to actually learn who I am as a human being. I'm not a numb, suppressing individual anymore. I have laid bare my true self and scared child to my own eyes. I pray this has caused her to do the same. As much as I hate to admit it... .she deserves to be happy too.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi roberto,

Thanks so much for sharing your progress.  You have come so far in such a relatively short time.  If you had to put it down to one main learning that brought you to this place of embracing your true self and allowing yourself to accept that scared inner child, what would you say it has been?

Love and light x

[roberto516]

Hi roberto,

Thanks so much for sharing your progress.  You have come so far in such a relatively short time.  If you had to put it down to one main learning that brought you to this place of embracing your true self and allowing yourself to accept that scared inner child, what would you say it has been?

Love and light x

I think it was just time and a genuine committment to learn about myself as a whole. I also think once I looked into that closet I never looked at which contained the reality that my family is pretty messed up and my childhood wasn't perfect allowed me to stop being so afraid.

[Emotions]

Keep shining Roberto... .a lot of us still need the strength and encouragement... .I go back and forth emotionally these days because my summer break is about to end and I'm about to go back to my house where me and my ex lived for 7 years... .I will persevere however, and try to get the emotions out of my head and appreciate the time I have doing whatever I want, instead of whatever she wants... .it's not all rainbows and ice cream, but it's certainly getting better... .thanks for sharing brother

[roberto516]

Trust me it's not all smiling suns and chirping birds over here. But I just keep reminding myself what else could I have done?

I'm not a big gift giver and realized it was important to her so I began doing that. I realized family involvement was big to her so I started to force myself to be more social around her family. She wanted me to be more affectionate with her dog so I did it. I realized I was doing stuff out of obligation and so I spent more time focused on doing things out of love again. I was pushy on how she didn't save her money so the last year I didn't once coment on her spending habits.

I promised her I'd do better after the breakup and during the recycle I was much more patient, calm, and empathetic to where she was.

The only thing I did wrong was I didn't learn how to communicate effectively. Then after the breakups I lost myself and raged at her. Something she didn't deserve.

But if I wasn't worth a serious effort to work on communication and try to have some empathy for my desire to improve us through communication than I'm better off. If she was in the relationship expecting it to always be easy and if it wasnt she had one foot out the door then im better off. If she only reached out after the breakups after all my pleas of love and apologies because she needed something from me and not because she truly missed me then im better off. Those reminders help me see the picture more clearly. It makes it easier to realize that my life is now more peaceful.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi roberto,

It makes it easier to realize that my life is now more peaceful.

Amen to that.  Loving the peace too.  After being in the eye of the storm it's so wonderful to get to appreciate things like calm, which I now feel is so precious that I engage in it fully and am filled with gratitude for it.  I believe that all adversity brings with it gifts for us to notice and carry with us as we progress.  The saying should be 'These things are sent to try us, and in doing so they make us more than we were'.

Did you since decide to learn about effective communication, out of interest?  I ask because some of the things I've picked up will go with me into whatever relationships I develop (not limited to romantic).  Have noticed I've been validating everyone more, including myself, which is a nice change! 

Love and light x

[Emotions]

As far as for me, I have noticed my communication have improved in the sense that I am a more patient listener, and if a topic or response from someone might push a button in me, or get my emotions hyped up, I respond with a tranquil thank you for caring about me or this topic, and it means a lot that we have this time together to talk about this... .instead of me blowing someone's opinion out of proportion... .I hope to take this ability with me for my own peace of mind, as well as for furthering my relationships in the future... .I know not to take anything for granted these days especially my own peace of mind... .keep the light shining HQ

[Emotions]

"Trust me it's not all smiling suns and chirping birds over here. But I just keep reminding myself what else could I have done?"
LOL BY THE WAY... .

[roberto516]

Did you since decide to learn about effective communication, out of interest?  I ask because some of the things I've picked up will go with me into whatever relationships I develop (not limited to romantic).  Have noticed I've been validating everyone more, including myself, which is a nice change!  

Well that's the difficulty. I am an excellent communicator. I don't take things personally and am able to see the big picture. The difficulty is when I get into a relationship. That kicks up my own feelings about relationships from childhood... .all faulty views btw. So I won't really be able to test out the communication improvements without being in a relationship where my feelings are now vulnerable and exposed. It's what I tried to tell her. That we could both grow more together than we could apart. It will just be a matter of, if I decide to love again, that I will be more mindful from the start about my projections and past memory files from childhood which can make me more reactive/hurt when in any other communication I'd be more patient and understanding. As I said, during the recycle I did practice it. So I know I am capable. But I won't be able to test it in action until I allow myself to be vulnerable and love again.

The field I work in demands empathy and listening skills and reflective listening, etc. If someone curses me out, disrespects me, or gets one over on me I am quick to take it from a bigger picture and have empathy for their decisions and not take it personal. The game changes when I'm emotionally invested with someone who I love. If any of that makes sense.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi roberto,

It makes absolute sense to me.  I find the same thing myself in that my background has always demanded I have good skills yet when in a personal relationship that makes me vulnerable to being hurt (specifically one that IS making me feel hurt) I find I have more difficulty engaging the detached part of my mind as my emotions can take the forefront. 

Using some of the tools I found here and in my reading (in particular Loving Someone with BPD) allowed me to put my professional hat on a bit in our interactions.  Must admit that I started to feel like more of a therapist than a partner at first, however had the r/s been sustainable I suspect the methods would have become less conscious and more natural in time.

[/quote]It's what I tried to tell her. That we could both grow more together than we could apart.[/quote]

Hear you on this.  If that person arrives in our lives in time who is also of the same thinking we will reap what we sow with someone new.   

I feel that what you've learned and acknowledged in yourself can only lead to more positive coping skills under emotional stress in any future r/s and I take my hat off to you for this.

Love and light x   

[anna58]

Roberto, I read you latest post here. You are a very eloquent communicator; I can tell by you write your posts. It must really throw you for a loop to get caught in the BPD cycles when you are so much awareness of people and communication. You sound strong. Keep working through this and I have a feeling you will find someone who is a healthy match for you when the time is right.

[roberto516]

Roberto, I read you latest post here. You are a very eloquent communicator; I can tell by you write your posts. It must really throw you for a loop to get caught in the BPD cycles when you are so much awareness of people and communication. You sound strong. Keep working through this and I have a feeling you will find someone who is a healthy match for you when the time is right.

Thanks anna,

I certainly display strength but if anyone saw me during the breakup you would have saw a weak beggar who then turned to utter rage and verbal abuse only to go back to apologies and pleas of love. By far the most shameful experiences of my life to act that way for myself and to someone I love who didn't deserve any of my projected anger at self.

I think I was really thrown for a loop because afyer my first devastating relationship with someone who displayed BPD traits I thought I knew what not to look for. I didnt want someone who didn't have their life together. I had even stayed single for a long time after as I wanted to find the right person. And my recent ex seemed to be mature and all around an adult. Naturally, in hindsight, I see all the red flags from day 1 that disproved that (the first time we made out was at her graduation party when she had told me 5 hours before how hurt she was her ex didnt come to the graduation). So I guess it's trial and error. I now have to gauge someone's emotional maturity first and foremost. No amount of outward "sanity" can gauge someone's emotional maturity (I'm a case in point with the way I acted and the way I display myself).

I'll continue to improve and grieve if need be. I hope I really truly can come to complete acceptance and surrender before time just makes it all a distant memory. It's a goal I've set for myself. I don't want this buried. I want these scars to tell a story I have learned from that I can carry and wear with pride.

Thanks for your comment. I appreciate it all.

[Emotions]

I think my initial strategy was to let time fade this and my emotions away into oblivion... .listening to you and your focus on the "scars" and the experience and wisdom I can get from dealing with them head on has been uplifting and shown me a path I was too afraid to learn from... .I think now that I will deal with any sadness or anger or whatever other feelings arise... .Thank you for showing me this through your dedication and perseverance with it.

[roberto516]

I think my initial strategy was to let time fade this and my emotions away into oblivion... .listening to you and your focus on the "scars" and the experience and wisdom I can get from dealing with them head on has been uplifting and shown me a path I was too afraid to learn from... .I think now that I will deal with any sadness or anger or whatever other feelings arise... .Thank you for showing me this through your dedication and perseverance with it.

I'm still a work in progress. But if you Google the Japanese art of kintsugi I think there's something real meaningful about finding eauty in cracks and breaks. Probably why I loved my ex so much as well. Now time to love myself just as much.