I'm back...

[MaroonLiquid]

Well, here is an update and don't really know where to post it.  I haven't been here in a while but wanted some quick advice.  I lost my job back in December due to a huge layoff at my job after 9 years and my lease was up on my apartment.  My ex wife asked me if I wanted to move in with her and the kids in their new house while I finish 2 classes in order to transfer to a school out of town about an hour away.  Her daughter (my step daughter) was accepted to the same school for the fall.  I won't be able to transfer there until spring 2018.  Anyway, I accepted her offer as I didn't want to live with my mom being almost 40 years old.  Things have been great even though we have had two minor disagreements since I moved back in.  That doesn't bother me considering couples have their moments.  We have even talked about business ventures together.  I have been doing a great job with not JADEing and being empathetic.  We have been affectionate, our kids believe that we are working on things, and even our families are getting used to the idea.  Early last month, one of the two arguments we got in she told me to get out at the end of the month.    I did stand my ground and told her I wouldn't be talked to that way.  I did raise my voice slightly when I said it.  It went away and she got over it pretty quick.  

Fast forward to this week... .She went out of the country with her sister to look at some land for four days for a business she is considering with her sister.  She got back and I noticed she was acting strange.  We were intimate that night which was fine.  The next morning I woke up shortly after her and she asked me what my plan for the day was.  I told her and then she took a phone call from a female friend (has several coming in town this weekend to look at a business venture together) and noticed she made the comment to her friend that she could sleep with her since no one will be in her bed... .I waited till she got off the phone and asked her where she wanted me to sleep and she said, "You aren't going to be here."  I asked what she meant and she said, "You are supposed to be out at the end of the month".  I responded with, "Seriously?"  It caught me off guard and she said, "This should come as no surprise."  I just walked off.  I felt like a complete fool (almost like being intimate the night before was the set up before the "haymaker" but let it go because I know how quick things can change.  So things were ok and then out of nowhere a few minutes ago, she was talking to everyone about the party she is having tomorrow night and the company she is having in town this weekend.  She told me "don't forget what we talked about."  I just said, "Ok."  I have made sure to not overreact to any of these attempts to "throw me off'.  Any advice?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

The number of times my BPDwife has "held me" to things she said - that i didn't agreee to... .

It is HER house. So if she wants to boot you out, there's probably not much you can do about it.

But first I would take to her about the conversation. Even if she didn't mean it, she probably will be stubborn, not wanting to give in or back down. If you think that she doesn't really want you to go, then you need to give her a way to change her mind without her appearing/feeling weak. This may come in the form of an apology for whatever happened, validation about her feeling annoyed/trapped/whatever, and a very humble request that you'd like to stay and work on things.

If you disagree with that method, or don't want to suck up to her, then you could try logic - tell her what it means - in that you will leave and will NOT be coming back, that it will be the end etc. Ask if she REALLY wants that - but my experience is that logic won't work at all. If she feels emotion ties to this decision then she won't be swayed.

Then the last option is to leave. Sucks - but it is her house so... .

[Mutt]

Hi MaroonLiquid,

What was the argument about that was the catalyst for her to tell you to move out? You said you had two arguments, it's vague though without details, was it about something small or something big? Is she over-reacting?

[MaroonLiquid]

Hi MaroonLiquid,

What was the argument about that was the catalyst for her to tell you to move out? You said you had two arguments, it's vague though without details, was it about something small or something big? Is she over-reacting?

If I remember correctly, it was about housework and picking up the slack for the kids even though they refuse to do anything and she knows they don't lift a finger.  I remember standing my ground and saying I wasn't going to be treated with disrespect or be yelled at. At the end, she said that, "This wasn't going to work for her and that I needed to find another place at the end of the month." Like I said, not a big deal to me.  Kind of like an extinction burst.

[abraxus]

I agree with ArleighBurke.

I don't know whether she really wanted you to leave or not, but I don't think the issue is the argument. Like you said, it was a trivial matter.

However, it did lead to her asking you to leave at the end of the month and, whilst you rightly treated the argument topic as trivial, her request was not.

So, whether she meant it or not is unimportant now, as the issue now is that you appeared, at least to her, to not take her demand seriously. She sees the fact that you didn't take it seriously as being both dismissive and disrespectful, and that will likely be huge for her.

So, enforcing it now is her way of getting back at you for being dismissive, and showing you that she expects to be taken seriously. Basically, she can't back down without looking either weak or foolish.

So, either you need to move out, or at least appear to be getting ready to, or find a way to give her an out that doesn't look as though she's backing down on her word.

That's just my take on it.

[Mutt]

Hi MaroonLiquid,

I don't think that it's an extinction burst, I think it's all or nothing thinking.

[MaroonLiquid]

She sees the fact that you didn't take it seriously as being both dismissive and disrespectful, and that will likely be huge for her.

So, enforcing it now is her way of getting back at you for being dismissive, and showing you that she expects to be taken seriously. Basically, she can't back down without looking either weak or foolish.

So, either you need to move out, or at least appear to be getting ready to, or find a way to give her an out that doesn't look as though she's backing down on her word.

That's just my take on it.

I see your point.  How does giving her an out work without her feeling foolish?  That sounds impossible.

Mutt, explain your thought process as I'm curious.

[Mutt]

You have two classes? When are your classes done? You said you're going to a school an hour away, where you planning on commuting or getting your own placean hour away? You may have to speed things up by looking for a new place.

I'm guessing that living with your ex is saving you some money, but if you plan on moving away, i can't see claases taking that long, maybe move an hour away and commute to these classes?

The only thing that I can think if is a pwBPD live in the present and not in the past or the future, she may forget about this or she may not. Do you have family or friends that you can stay with? Ultimately, I agree with everyone else, you may have to move out.

[KateCat]

I cross-posted with Mutt, but will stick with this anyway . . .

MaroonLiquid,

I'm sorry to hear about the turbulence in your career but confident that things will work out for you. Every community needs men and fathers like you.

But I will agree with Mutt that this is not an extinction burst. In fact, you've been in almost precisely this strange "all or nothing" place before, haven't you? The last time this happened the two of you were still married and you felt she was bluffing when she said she was divorcing you. If I recall correctly, many of the people responding to your posts on this forum also thought she might be bluffing. It's the kind of bluff seen often in this community.

But she wasn't bluffing then and there's a good chance she's not bluffing now.

Be prepared! 

(And if she kicks you out again now, don't move back in with her for a third round, OK? . . . I know you won't. You just got caught in a perfect storm.)

Hang in there. 

[MaroonLiquid]

You have two classes? When are your classes done? You said you're going to a school an hour away, where you planning on commuting or getting your own place? You may have to speed things up by looking for a new place.

Im in the middle of them right now.  They will be over in May.  We talked about starting a business while I'm in school and that would give me some income as well in order to pay my child support.  I would be living there.  She made a funny comment the other day about this that she said I lied to her (totally not true) about not moving up there in the fall.  She knew darn well the situation.  It worked out where I couldn't get the classes done until May and transfer officially in January.  She knew this whole situation and supported me in it as I lost my job and we both felt like this is an open door.  She pulled this crap when we split up a few years ago and I had to drop my classes in the middle of the semester when she kicked me out and she kept my laptop.  That eventually led to our divorce.  I almost feel like the unhealthy part of her doesn't want me to succeed in this.

I'm guessing that living with your ex is saving you some money, but if you plan on moving away, i can't see claases taking that long, maybe move an hour away and commute to these classes?

The only thing that I can think if is a pwBPD live in the present and not in the past or the future, she may forget about this or she may not. Do you have family or friends that you stay with? Ultimately, I agree with everyone else, you may have to move out.

This sucks because my whole family including my kids are under the impression we are working on things.  They are happy and were devastated with the whole ordeal the first time even though it is just their step mom.  Right now I have family that live way on the other side of town from where everything I'm involved with is.  

I cross-posted with Mutt, but will stick with this anyway . . .

MaroonLiquid,

I'm sorry to hear about the turbulence in your career but confident that things will work out for you. Every community needs men and fathers like you.

Thank you!

But I will agree with Mutt that this is not an extinction burst. In fact, you've been in almost precisely this strange "all or nothing" place before, haven't you? The last time this happened the two of you were still married and you felt she was bluffing when she said she was divorcing you. If I recall correctly, many of the people responding to your posts on this forum also thought she might be bluffing. It's the kind of bluff seen often in this community.

But she wasn't bluffing then and there's a good chance she's not bluffing now.

Be prepared!  

(And if she kicks you out again now, don't move back in with her for a third round, OK? . . . I know you won't. You just got caught in a perfect storm.)

Hang in there.  

I hear you KateCat!  I'm trying, just hate myself for possibly being in this position again.  And don't worry, this is truly it for me if she pulls this.  I won't put my children through this crap anymore with her.  They (and I) deserve better than this.  I'm wondering if this has something to do with her friends coming into town.  No matter, all I can do is prepare.  I just feel like I have been used and thats not a good feeling.

[KateCat]

Yes, you deserve so much better!

But truly, her behavior is terribly confusing. She really is wonderful when she's good, isn't she?   So hard on the kids . . .

[MaroonLiquid]

Yes, you deserve so much better!

But truly, her behavior is terribly confusing. She really is wonderful when she's good, isn't she?   So hard on the kids . . .

Her behavior is confusing!  

So this morning, she asked me to get my things together for the weekend and find a place.  I responded, "I'm not really understanding what's going on here, can you help me to understand?  She said, "We fight all the time and I'm not going to deal with that and I don't have to.  I said, "It must be hard to feel like we fight all the time."  She said, "Yeah and the fact that I you haven't done what I asked you to do."  (Now the real reason).  I said, "I can understand being frustrated when you feel like things haven't gotten done like you asked.  I would be upset too!" (She's trying to blame me (as usual) when I do more than anyone around the house and the kids don't lift a finger but didn't go there).  She said, "Just please get some stuff for the weekend and we can discuss other things Sunday or Monday."  I said, "I'm good with that.  Also, I need the $300 and change you owe me as I am down to $5 dollars in the bank account and don't get paid till next week."  She gave me a "go to hell" look and said, "It's always about you!"  I said, "No, it's about the fact that I only have $5 in the bank and paid for some things that you told me you would pay me back for weeks ago."  We talked through that and she told me she would give it to me later today as she has to go to the bank.  I said, "I could take your bank card and go get it out so you don't have to."  She said, "No, I will give it to you later and give me your house key.  I said, "Ok, let me find my keys."  So she took that back and I asked, "So if this is "only for the weekend, why do you need to take my house key?  All of my stuff is here.  It looks to me like this isn't just for the weekend."  She said, "This is MY house and I don't have to deal with your crap!"  I said, "You're right, it is your house, please don't yell at me, I'm not yelling at you."  I packed enough stuff for the weekend and when I was done, I said to her, "Honey, I am really sorry that you feel I haven't pulled my weight around here.  That is stressful on you and is unfair.  I'm truly sorry.  I would really like to work through this with you after the weekend when all of your company leaves."  She nodded her head and wished me good luck in my girls softball tournament this weekend.  I said thank you and I left.  I did text her asking for my softball shoes and if she could bring them to practice this evening as I forgot them.  No response... .she hasn't removed me from Facebook or anything also that's something too.  Not sure I could have handled it any better honestly.  Thoughts?

[Mutt]

Hi MaroonLiquid,

Kids are an extension of a pwBPD, a pwBPD don't know where they end and other people begin, it could be that she feels bad because the kids are not chipping in, kids will be kids, and she's project that on someone else. I just went through similar, it was demo of learning at school, instead of parent teacher interviews the kids their work to you. Anyways my S9 has a learning disability, he's difficult to discipline, he's showing the teacher attitude this semester and he's struggling with some of this studies. Anyways, I saw the teacher first, my xuBPDw separately and I got the blame for his attitude and his schoolwork, because it's a bad reflection on her, in her mind anyways.

Do you feel like you should remove all of your things? Do you think that she may do something to your stuff?

[MaroonLiquid]

Hi MaroonLiquid,

Kids are an extension of a pwBPD, a pwBPD don't know where they end and other people begin, it could be that she feels bad because the kids are not chipping in, kids will be kids, and she's project that on someone else. I just went through similar, it was demo of learning at school, instead of parent teacher interviews the kids their work to you. Anyways my S9 has a learning disability, he's difficult to discipline, he's showing the teacher attitude this semester and he's struggling with some of this studies. Anyways, I saw the teacher first, my xuBPDw separately and I got the blame for his attitude and his schoolwork, because it's a bad reflection on her, in her mind anyways.

Do you feel like you should remove all of your things? Do you think that she may do something to your stuff?

I don't feel like she'll do anything to the stuff.  What's funny, is that for upwBPD nothing is ever good enough.  That's been the hardest thing for me to come to terms with.  I let her son and daughter (still call them my children) have access to my car whenever he needed it for work, school, etc as long as I didn't need it.  If this continues, she will have to start carting them everywhere again.   .  This to me feels different in that there was no huge issue that caused this.  It kind of started when all these friends of hers that are coming into town are all under the assumption that she is a "single mother".  The last time they came into town I have a feeling that she told them I was "house sitting" as they left town that next day to go on a cruise.  I'm not going to put much stock into any of this as I'm done trying to analyze everything, but it's frustrating.  I'm turning 40 in three weeks and going through a faze the last week or so where I feel like a complete failure.  I know that's not true, but I still feel that way a little.  I'm having a hard time with this birthday.