Hello

[NewMamaIrl]

Hi there BPD family,

This is my first post here. I am married to someone with BPD and in need of some support. He has recently been diagnosed and it is such a relief for me. I have known that something was wrong for a long time, but now I know what it is.

How do you all cope? How does it work for you?

Thank you!

[Turkish]

Hi and welcome 

You posted to co-parenting.  How old are the kids and what are you struggling with specifically?

A diagnosis is a good baseline from which to start.  How can we help?

Turkish

[livednlearned]

Hi NewMamaIrl,

I'm guessing you are a new mama in real life  

If so, congratulations! How are you holding up?

Having a baby can be pretty exhausting! And being married to someone with BPD is challenging, which can make post-birth a real roller coaster.

After my son was born, his father became very needy and his anxiety was off the charts. He began drinking excessively and I felt so alone as a new mom, not to mention feeling worried about my son's safety.

What are some of the challenges you're dealing with at the moment?

We are here to walk with you.

You are not alone  

LnL

[NewMamaIrl]

Thank you!

I am a new mama in real life :-) My beautiful baby is 8 months old. He is the most perfect thing in the world   I have had to leave our family home and I am now living with my mom in her house with my baby.

With the benefit of hindsight, my husband has displayed BPD characteristics for all of our relationship. There were many things that I forgave or excused over the years. However, when I became pregnant it triggered much more extreme behaviour in him and when the baby arrived things really went to Hell. As you said livednlearned, he became very anxious and needy to the point that he was screaming and swearing in my face every day because he felt I wasn't looking after him the way I should have and paying too much attention to the baby and not enough to him. I realised that I couldn't live with him as I was truly terrified of him and what he might do to me or our baby. It is now several months on and he is alternating between trying to convince me to come back to him and just being horrible.

I suppose I'd like some tips on how you co-parent with a BPD partner or spouse. I find him quite obstructive when it comes to making any decision for the baby's future. For example, we have tried to discuss whether or not we should have him christened and some days he says yes, and some he says no way, and others he sits on the fence. Do you have any tips on how I can make these conversations more productive and less chaotic?

He is also very critical of me and if I even hint that I might be tired or sore (he's a big baby and heavy to carry - I have a LOT of new muscles!) then he just goes into a rant about how I shouldn't complain and if we were still living together he'd help me... .(which he wouldn't as he doesn't like doing housework etc and he only likes doing baby stuff in public where other people can see him doing it) He never liked me to complain but it is much worse now.

I suppose I'm just tired and would like any help/tips you can suggest!

[Turkish]

Congratulations on your baby.  Mine are 7 and almost 5 and in some ways I miss the baby days, despite the extra work. 

It's good to know that you've separated to stay safe.

We have lots of resources to the right of the board and at the top.  BPD communication tools are in Lesson 3 at the top of the Improving Board. It's a lot of material,  but we can take it in pieces. 

Like christening/baptism. Whose hesitancy is it, more yours or his? It might be best to take the lead on this one.  I've personally found that by being consistent it helps.  That is,  sometimes making a decision (in a non-shaming or blaming way), removes the stress from a person who has trouble making decisions due to their tumultuous emotional states.

For example, despite 3 years of my ex being anxious about which school the kids go to (saying a lot but doing nothing), I took the lead in registering both of them.  It's not without frustration though.

At this point,  even though you've moved,  the custody is still equal by law.  However,  you are leading here.  Parallel parenting is also an option, though you are still in a leadership position at this point. 

I know this is a lot to throw out there.  A good first step may be improving communication. It can help.  It doesn't mean being a doormat. Asserting boundaries on a healthy way is part of it.  Take a look. 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

This is just a start. We have a lot of material, and seasoned members who can help guide you however your situation progresses.

T