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Topic: Today I am beside myself (Read 1416 times)
Sadly
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Today I am beside myself
«
on:
March 30, 2017, 10:58:02 AM »
Today I am beside myself with grief and loss, drowning in misery. At work a song played on the radio that was always on in the pub when we were at our happiest. It nearly floored me. When I got home early from work because I have to work from home tonight he was at my door posting stuff through letter box. What are the chances of that? We spoke briefly. When he was gone I opened envelope, it was all the little cards and notes, mementos he had written me from our beginning. I had given them back to him the last time we broke up. He said he had thrown them away. Also he left the paperwork for a holiday we had booked last year, it's in 4 weeks time. I was going on my own but not looking forward to it, it was one of our places. Also when I got home there were some birthday cards, it's my birthday on Saturday. One was from his mum, she wrote it herself which is hard as she has Parkinson's. She loves me and I love her very much. I am thinking he hasn't told her we are not together anymore. It's all happening at once. Tuesday is my Aunties funeral, work won't give me time off and I am very tired as working long hours. I am barely sleeping, have some pills from chemist but they don't work. Am totally absolutely devastated. I know I ended it with him, I said some awful things in my last email to him, awful but true. I wish I hadn't. All I wanted to do when I saw him was for us to hold each other. I feel like a child crying for the moon, am in total bits. I don't have anyone close to help me. So desperately lonely.
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wellwellwell
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Re: HELP ME PLEASE
«
Reply #1 on:
March 30, 2017, 11:42:25 AM »
I can relate to a lot of this: the birthday card from his mother (although my former in-law wasn't always supportive), the apprehension about traveling alone, the trigger of the song, the isolation, and the feeling that all of this is happening at once. I used to crave a version of the relationship that was really a very short and heavily edited greatest hits medley. I'd desperately wanted an intimacy that reflected what I'd committed to the marriage. I found the relationship and breakup an alienating experience, and the feeling of profound loneliness was one of the most painful parts. I still get undone by memories. I break down but always feel better afterwards, but it can take hours. Crying is so natural. I have slowly understood that it's part of my own greiving process. I'm sorry you're in this place. It does pass, but the ability to soothe yourself with that thought seems to be the first ability that the overwhelming emotions affect.
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Sadly
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Re: HELP ME PLEASE
«
Reply #2 on:
March 30, 2017, 11:52:59 AM »
Thank you WWW
It's unbearable sadness. Knowing intellectually about BPD is one thing, emotionally is quite another. Been here before and was doing well, now I am not. Thanks for your understanding.
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Mutt
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Re: HELP ME PLEASE
«
Reply #3 on:
March 30, 2017, 11:57:10 AM »
Sadly,
I'm sorry to hear that I'd like to add to what wellwell said about self soothing, I can see how it would be that much more difficult if you're not sleeping ( are you eating well? ) Have you talked to your GP about getting different sleeping pills? I know that you feel sad and have a lot of grief, do you exercise? Exercise helps with sleep at night, lastly, take really godo care of yourself, eat well, try to get enough sleep, exercise ( it's tough to go to the gym when you feel emotionally exausted ) I sense that you're reminiscing about the good times, balance those thoughts with the bad times, i'm guilty of this too, of magnifying the good times and not thinking about the bad times, the bad times probably outweigh the good ones, it helps to center yourself by balancing your thoughts and talking to us like you're doing here because you can get feedback about your situation
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allienoah
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Re: HELP ME PLEASE
«
Reply #4 on:
March 30, 2017, 12:02:59 PM »
Sadly-I am so sorry you are in such pain. You must feel like you are crawling out of your skin. Like Mutt said, try to bring to mind one "bad " memory for every "good" memory. You might find that the bad starts to outweigh the good. Allow yourself to be in the moment-"yes I am sad now, but this will pass" . You also have a lot going on so it is certainly understandable for you to feel vulnerable as well. You were so right when you said that emotionally and intellectually are 2 completely different things. How I wish they would reconcile in my being! and in yours too.
Hang in there and take care of yourself first and foremost-we are all here
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Sadly
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Re: HELP ME PLEASE
«
Reply #5 on:
March 30, 2017, 12:09:41 PM »
Thank you Mutt
I have called my doctor, I have to call again in the morning so maybe I can get something. Am eating every now and then. No exercise, am exhausted. I am doing 12 hour working days and some hours at weekends too, it's the nature of my job right now. I am doing the reminiscing thing, I don't want to. I read all the posts back to when I first came her and my notes, I know the reality, I am just so weak emotionally. I can't go back, but am terrified of giving in. I left him, I broke us up, I have never been replaced. Am so scared and lonely.
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wellwellwell
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Re: HELP ME PLEASE
«
Reply #6 on:
March 30, 2017, 12:09:55 PM »
Quote from: Sadly on March 30, 2017, 11:52:59 AM
Been here before and was doing well, now I am not.
Exactly. This isn't like most breakups. I had a lot of people told me 'It will get better, sooner than you think.' It didn't, and that, eventually, made me angry. But the anger made me clarify things, and the clarity led me to somewhere further down this strange path. Then it did get slightly better, bit by bit. I was only able to write things like this in the last month, a year after the split.
As Mutt wrote, exercise and basic self-care are really helpful. They don't relieve much pain in themselves but they do leave you in better shape to soothe yourself. Clarity is essential, and it comes from rest and basic nourishment. Exercise is so hard when I'm having a really black day. It takes me days to get out and cycle, but when I do, it always makes a small difference. It buys me more time to get on with the rest of my life, and a sense that I can control some of this.
I found that understanding the childhood wounds that these awful experiences reopened helped a lot, too. I gained a lot from simply understanding what had happened emotionally. Again, these aren't normal breakups. My experience was that I had to accept that I'd been injured by serious emotional abuse and that this meant that many people simply wouldn't understand what I was experiencing. I had to stop expecting myself to get over this in 2-3 months. I had to ignore stories about people who moved on from normal breakups - they didn't apply. I found that that was all part of the overwhelming nature of this experince. The pain, sadly, is normal, but it is really important that you can feel it. That's something that will help you put yourself back together.
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UnforgivenII
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Re: HELP ME PLEASE
«
Reply #7 on:
March 30, 2017, 12:36:10 PM »
Sadly
Anger my friend. Anger is your salvation. You were chosen because you were great at taking care of him. Now he needs you to take care of him. He did what he did and it was intentional. It is easy for them not to get rid of stuff. It means nothing to them .
The meeting was nothing but casual.
Do not be manipulated.
Ti voglio bene
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Sadly
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #8 on:
March 30, 2017, 01:21:39 PM »
Hey unforgiven
Thank you. I wish I could feel angry again, but I got past that a long time ago. It helped with initial healing but it hasn't come back. I know he is hurting too and that if I can just get through this right now I will hurt less in time. He will always hurt.
Grazie ti voglio bene anch'io xx
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Larmoyant
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #9 on:
March 30, 2017, 05:45:48 PM »
Sadly, you sound overwhelmed and I’m not surprised. You have a lot going on and please accept my condolences for the loss of your Aunt. It’s at times like this that we need a strong shoulder to cry on and when we don’t have it we feel the loss of our ex’s even more. Him turning up like that must have been traumatic. If I saw my ex now I’d fall to pieces. A recent text from him was enough to set me back so I can imagine what you must be going through. Keep strong Sadly my friend. Remember you left him for a reason. Why was that? Was he ever really there for you? These relationships take such a long time to recover from, but you, all of us, will succeed. For now, here’s a shoulder for you to rest on. I might be on the other side of the world, but with you in spirit.
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earlyL
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Formerly known as "Louise Wilson"
Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #10 on:
March 30, 2017, 05:58:35 PM »
Sending so much love Sadly, I feel your pain. I have had an overwhelming day of emotions today as well, and it really floored me and I only had an email from my ex, I can only imagine the stress of actually seeing him - and at your home. It is true what people have said here, this is not like any other break up. It is taking me some time just to accept that it will take a long long time to heal. You won't feel it now, but the progress you have already made will be making a difference.
Keep posting, we are all here for you.
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jambley
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #11 on:
March 30, 2017, 07:24:37 PM »
Sadly
My heart goes out to you. That's all I wanted to say.
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Idsrvt2
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #12 on:
March 30, 2017, 08:56:05 PM »
Just wanted to send you my support and hugs . You are dealing with a lot right now, all that is enough and add the BPD into the mix. Please be gentle with yourself.
I'm having a rough day as well... .saw him twice today... all I di was let my cat inside at the exact moment he was making a delivery... .he has been avoiding my house... guess he's getting more daring now.
Remember to eat when you can as it really does help us to keep our body fueled.
Xxx
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lovenature
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #13 on:
March 31, 2017, 12:03:25 AM »
I am sorry to hear of your loss Sadly, try to take it one hour or even moment at a time. Give yourself the compassion you have given others during this time of need. I know the loneliness you feel.
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Sadly
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #14 on:
March 31, 2017, 03:25:11 PM »
Thank you all for your love and support, it means so very much.
Love from
Sadly xx
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heartandwhole
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #15 on:
April 01, 2017, 08:04:39 AM »
Hi Sadly,
I'm sorry for your loss and your recent encounter with pwBPD. That is a lot to take in, and you are feeling stressed right now because of work, no sleep, grief about your auntie.
Please don't make any decisions of significance right now. Because of all the stress you are under, you are not in a good state to do so. I know how hard it is to get through an hour, let alone a day, when feeling this way, but you can do it. You are strong enough and we have your back, too.
If you can get some decent sleep, I think that would help tremendously. I'm wishing that for you, Sadly. This will pass.
heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Sadly
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #16 on:
April 01, 2017, 08:57:45 AM »
Thank you H&W
Things got worse. I think he must have seen me a couple of weeks ago even though I ran and hid and felt so ill. It's too much of a coincidence after months of NC that he turned up and starting shoving things through my letter box. My memories. It's my birthday today. Last night he texted and asked if I wanted to spend the weekend, I unblocked his number ages ago but never replied to all the texts he sent until he gave up for a while. Stupidly last night I replied " no thanks I'm working. Then followed a torrent of vile texts. I was a lying c*nt. a cheap slut pretending to be popular at work just to get men (which) is where I met him. Neither of us are there now. He said Happy Birthday you ancient ___ (I'm 13 yrs older). He said I can't remember how old you are but it's too f*cking old for me. He told me he had asked his ex to meet him next Tuesday and she said yes, he put a smiley on that one. He said she is still as fit as f*ck. I am sure she won't meet him , I have seen the texts between them, she has told him she is looking out for their son, he's a cutter and very agoraphobic. She told him he was doing better since he was out of his life. At the time I thought that was very cruel and it did hurt him very much. No way would she meet up. I switched my phone off and went to bed, hardly slept. Then this morning I got a text Happy Birthday with balloons going up. I ignored and blocked phone. Then two hours ago WhatsApp, Happy Birthday followed by Do you want to forget all this and come to mine to watch the football. What, what's going on? How can he spit such vitriolic crap at me and then think we could forget and watch football? I don't understand. He re reads his texts, I know that cos he used to constantly read his ex's when they fought about his son. Surely even he, reading those vile things couldn't imagine they could be ignored. I know they can pretend something didn't happen but it's in black and white on his phone. How can that be ok? This is a horrible day, am so hurt at what he said, he's knocked all my confidence out of me over the last couple of years anyway. This has just made it worse. Please don't anyone say happy birthday to me, cos it isn't and it won't be. I just want this day to end, am so hurt and confused all over again. Sorry for rambling.
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Larmoyant
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #17 on:
April 01, 2017, 10:09:30 AM »
Quote from: Sadly on April 01, 2017, 08:57:45 AM
How can he spit such vitriolic crap at me and then think we could forget and watch football? Surely even he, reading those vile things couldn't imagine they could be ignored.
They can imagine it Sadly because it’s been ignored in the past. How many times did you, and me, go back, how many times did we push the vileness away, accept excuses or go into denial so we could go back for a moment and feel the love we so desperately wanted from them. The love they offer one minute then take away the next. He’ll reread his messages when you don’t respond Sadly. He’ll suffer the consequences. Maybe only for a moment before he twists history and denies he ever said it, but he’ll still suffer the consequences.
You stayed away.
Keep protecting your precious self Sadly. Sending you much love
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Sadly
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #18 on:
April 01, 2017, 10:24:29 AM »
Thank you my friend, yes we did do that didn't we. Enabled them to continue. It's just hard to understand. This is going to sound ridiculous but I feel no pleasure in the thought of him suffering the consequences even for a short time. I know that he is hurting so badly right now. I abandoned him, his biggest fear. This illness hurts us all so very much. I feel no anger, just hurt and bitter disappointment. Thank you for being here again for me Lar, I am so proud to know you, you are doing so well.
Love from
Sadly xx
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wellwellwell
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #19 on:
April 02, 2017, 08:04:25 PM »
Quote from: Sadly on April 01, 2017, 10:24:29 AM
This is going to sound ridiculous but I feel no pleasure in the thought of him suffering the consequences even for a short time. I know that he is hurting so badly right now. I abandoned him, his biggest fear. This illness hurts us all so very much. I feel no anger, just hurt and bitter disappointment.
I don't know if this helps, but I felt the same way. It has changed, in the same way that grief changes. It's part of the release. It causes me less pain, because I'm better able to look after myself. I don't feel any less for my ex, I just feel it differently. Throughout my marriage, it was important to me that I did the right thing as often as I could. My self-respect was a priority: I understood that my wife was ill from an early stage, but didn't realise what I was up against. I made lots of mistakes, I'm sure, but I didn't cause the illness. I did all I could and I've done all I can.
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Sadly
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #20 on:
April 03, 2017, 02:47:54 AM »
Thank you wellwellwell
it does help, its not even a choice I have, it's just the way I feel. I had a brief flash of hatred yesterday, or was it the day before, I don't know, not sleeping is muddling me. Hatred isn't me, and although seriously angry when all this started I have not and cannot feel anger anymore, not to him. I wish I could, it may help, it helped once, but the more I learned the anger faded and I can't change that now. I am where I am with this, struggling with hurt and pain and trying to get my balance back.
Love from
Sadly x
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marti644
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #21 on:
April 03, 2017, 04:20:14 AM »
Sadly,
What are you doing to keep yourself busy? Ruminating is so self-destructive it's best to find things to do to avoid the unhealthy thoughts.
Take care,
Marti
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Sadly
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #22 on:
April 03, 2017, 05:19:46 AM »
Thanks Marti
well I am working 12 to 16 hour days at moment sometimes from home and sometimes in office. I don't have a choice not to be busy. If I am on site every now and then I rush off into the ladies to cry a bit, I can't seem to help it when everything wells up and overcomes me. When I am at home it is easier because I don't have to hide but the work has to continue, there is no option to stop, not in this job right now. At night I am not sleeping, barely two hours and they are not restful. I am quite frankly exhausted. I am planning to call my doctor this morning to see if I can get something, I tried last week but couldn't get an appointment. I just need to sleep. Thanks for caring
love from
Sadly x
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marti644
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #23 on:
April 03, 2017, 05:26:56 AM »
Sadly, keep moving, you are so much further along than you feel right now. I and others can see it!
You definitely need something for sleep. A surefire way is melatonin if you haven't tried it. It's natural, can be found at any drugstore, and will help you sleep. I wouldn't suggest taking it often, but the weeks after I was discarded it worked wonders the nights I was in agony bordering on psychosis.
I am in the same situation you are and can't take time off. But I absconded for a week anyways to recover. Sometimes the very responsibilities we have for our jobs can work against us. I got a hotel room in a nearby city and just walked around and toured.
Is there some is there some way you could take a leave of absence for a couple of days? Your mind needs time to stop and reset!
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Sadly
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #24 on:
April 03, 2017, 05:49:54 AM »
Thank you
I will try that, melatonin, will see if I can get some today, I wonder if Holland & Barrett sell it, there is one in town. Work, sadly not right now, it involves millions in lost government revenues if I don't get it done. I have a week booked the first week in May but that will be sad cos we booked it for together to a place we love. For now I will have to settle for sleep. Am glad you got your week, sounds just what you needed. Thank you so much Marti, so very much
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marti644
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #25 on:
April 03, 2017, 05:53:55 AM »
You can get it from any pharmacy or healthstore, it will be there! And the trip is for you! Don't let him creep into your memory if you can.
xxxx Marti
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Sadly
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #26 on:
April 03, 2017, 05:58:08 AM »
Will try
x
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wellwellwell
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #27 on:
April 03, 2017, 06:51:33 AM »
Quote from: Sadly on April 03, 2017, 02:47:54 AM
its not even a choice I have, it's just the way I feel.
That will change. You will grow. The feeling will stay, but it won't hurt as much. I became so angry when people told me this, because I thought they didn't understand, but they were right.
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Sadly
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Re: Today I am beside myself
«
Reply #28 on:
April 03, 2017, 07:03:32 AM »
I pray it will be soon
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