Feeling Stuck and Frustrated

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been ruminating a lot on my marriage, and, the more it comes down to it, the more I feel like I was deluding myself through half of my engagement, and the first part of my marriage. I wanted to believe so badly that the Dr. Jekyll version of my HwBPD was the "real" him. The Dr. Jekyll version was kind, considerate, thoughtful, quiet, and polite. He went the extra mile to take care of my feelings. He was helpful and got along with my family and friends.

At first, the Mr. Hyde only came out when he was drunk, so I thought this was just a drinking thing. But, little by little, the persona that was brazen, rude, obstinate, clingy, and combative began to take over, until only a tiny little sliver of Dr. Jekyll was left. I'm struggling because I honestly don't like this person who has taken over, but there's a tiny piece of me who thinks that maybe therapy will recover the person I once enjoyed spending time with.

So now I'm confused because I don't like this person and feel stuck in the marriage, and on top of this he has refused to help himself by actively looking for a job, so, not only is he hypercritical, rude, and mean, he also drags me down financially. BUT I still love him. And I worry that he will commit suicide if I throw him out. However, I know that I'm just enabling him by letting him carry on this way, and things aren't getting better.

Why can't I just end things? Maybe I'm scared of the pain of the breakup, because he will look at me like a wounded puppy, and I know that I will be the "bad guy" for ending things. Has anyone ended such a relationship with the same feelings, and can you offer me any wisdom from the other side? I'm scared, but I can't go on like this.

[WitzEndWife]

I've been ruminating a lot on my marriage, and, the more it comes down to it, the more I feel like I was deluding myself through half of my engagement, and the first part of my marriage. I wanted to believe so badly that the Dr. Jekyll version of my HwBPD was the "real" him. The Dr. Jekyll version was kind, considerate, thoughtful, quiet, and polite. He went the extra mile to take care of my feelings. He was helpful and got along with my family and friends.

At first, the Mr. Hyde only came out when he was drunk, so I thought this was just a drinking thing. But, little by little, the persona that was brazen, rude, obstinate, clingy, and combative began to take over, until only a tiny little sliver of Dr. Jekyll was left. I'm struggling because I honestly don't like this person who has taken over, but there's a tiny piece of me who thinks that maybe therapy will recover the person I once enjoyed spending time with.

So now I'm confused because I don't like this person and feel stuck in the marriage, and on top of this he has refused to help himself by actively looking for a job, so, not only is he hypercritical, rude, and mean, he also drags me down financially. BUT I still love him. And I worry that he will commit suicide if I throw him out. However, I know that I'm just enabling him by letting him carry on this way, and things aren't getting better.

Why can't I just end things? Maybe I'm scared of the pain of the breakup, because he will look at me like a wounded puppy, and I know that I will be the "bad guy" for ending things. Has anyone ended such a relationship with the same feelings, and can you offer me any wisdom from the other side? I'm scared, but I can't go on like this.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Witzendwife,

I was scared of the pain of the break-up too, but equally I was in pain in the relationship. I eventually left because the disrespect, anger, meanness, just as you describe, was becoming unbearable.  It was hard coming to terms with the fact that Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde were one and the same person. I kept hanging in there waiting for the return of Dr Jekyll and yes he turned up, but I was always waiting for Mr H to make an appearance knowing it was only a matter of time. Eggshells everyone. As you’ve experienced Mr H kept turning up more and more. It was a hard decision that became harder the more battering my self-esteem took.

Ending it was a difficult, painful decision to make. I won’t lie it is an uphill struggle towards recovery, but I’m climbing it. Ask yourself what have you got to lose and what have can you got to gain? Fear of the unknown is part of it, but at least I’m not a prisoner to his emotions anymore. If nothing else I’ve gained peace (so far, more good things to come I’m sure).

If you haven’t already done so Witzend, I’d recommend you work through the lessons on the right. They really help. Keep reading and posting we’re here to help you through it whatever decision you make.

[formflier]

     

  he also drags me down financially. BUT I still love him. And I worry that he will commit suicide if I throw him out. 

Are there some interim steps between where you are now and throwing him out?

Do you have the power to make different financial choices?

What is your plan if the threatens suicide?  The time to figure this out is before the pressure is on.  When/if pressure is on... stick to the plan.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

At first, the Mr. Hyde only came out when he was drunk, so I thought this was just a drinking thing. But, little by little, the persona that was brazen, rude, obstinate, clingy, and combative began to take over, until only a tiny little sliver of Dr. Jekyll was left. I'm struggling because I honestly don't like this person who has taken over, but there's a tiny piece of me who thinks that maybe therapy will recover the person I once enjoyed spending time with.

Hey WitzEnd, I had a similar experience, which is why I started a post a few months ago about whether BPD symptoms can become more acute as time goes on.  The general consensus was no, but like you I found myself spending more and more time with Mr. Hyde, until it became nearly a daily confrontation.

I understand your quandary.  My Ex threatened suicide many times.  I have two comments: first, you're not responsible for the well-being of another adult; and, two, my Ex was just crying wolf for attention.  Threats of suicide, in my view, are the ultimate in manipulation.  Yet there was always a fear in the back of my mind that once in a while those who threaten carry through with it.  Very stressful!

When it's time for you to part ways, I suspect you'll know it.  Many on this site fear the unknown if they leave their SO, yet most don't consider the possibility that the unknown is also where greater happiness may be found.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings and try to figure out the right path for YOU.

LuckyJim

[WitzEndWife]

First, thank you Lucky and Larmoyant for your stories and reassurance. I am going to need a lot of support if I decide to go down the road of "the dreaded D word." It's helpful to know that others have come out on the other side of it and are working towards a happier life.

As for what I can do in the interim, well, I actually had a conversation with him last night, because, again, the issue of money came up. He keeps spending money on the cars online, when I told him that we needed to recover from two major repairs. I got upset with him last night because he was, yet again, needling me to buy a house, when my debt-to-income ratio is way too high to get a good loan right now. I told him that I wasn't prepared to buy a home, and he said, "Fine, I'm moving back to Canada!" (his home country), and got up and went downstairs to our room.

It was late, and I shouldn't have followed him down, but I did. I was upset. At first he threw at me that I was overreacting about our financial situation, but after some back-and-forth, he admitted that he felt bad about himself, because he wasn't employed, and was not motivated to find employment. He talked about suicide in various ways, and I told him that I would take him to the hospital myself if he was feeling suicidal. I asked him what he wanted me to do about his feelings. He said that he didn't know. He said he was tired of feeling unmotivated and sad. Then, out of the blue, he looked at me and said, "I'm mentally ill."

I was SHOCKED, because I have never told him that he was mentally ill, nor have I ever suggested it, it was also HUGE that he would admit something like that to me. So, I said, "Well, if you feel mentally ill and you're tired of feeling that way, why not try more intensive therapy." He started to protest, but then immediately followed up with, "Yeah, sure, I'll do whatever you want me to." I said, "It's not what I want, it just hurts to see you suffering, and I know that something like this (DBT) could help." He said that he would ask his therapist about it in his appointment (today).

In a perfect world, the rage would go away, and he would have regular work, and he would feel better about himself. I know I cannot continue with things the way that they are today. Sometimes I think that maybe he's not as high-functioning as he presents himself to be. Perhaps he is actually incapable of finding work. My fear is that I will wait around too long, trying to find out "for sure" if he is going to do something, because he will string me along JUST enough, and do the bare minimum (i.e. right now it is applying to a few positions per month via email, and never following up). I don't want to live my life taking care of someone who won't help themselves.

[Lucky Jim]

Sure, we'll help you if you decide to make a change, including one which involves the dreaded ":)" word!

I always thought that we would reach a plateau of relative stability in our marriage, which never happened.  It proved to be a mirage.  The turmoil and drama continued unabated, until it reached a critical point that became unmanageable for me, at which point I had nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak.

What I'm getting at here is that the waiting can be a thankless vigil.

Suggest you listen to your gut feelings and try to figure out the right path for YOU.

And I don't mean the right path for him.  That's his task, not yours, OK?

LuckyJim

[Herodias]

I was in exactly what you are describing except mine had a job. A therapist asked me what were my boundaries? What was it going to take for me to leave? Figure out what your limits are and get yourself financially prepared in case you want to leave. Mine never stopped spending either. I had to protect myself. It will not get better without your making changes and even then, it is very difficult. So sorry you are in this situation.

[WitzEndWife]

I think I do have to get clear about what is my absolute limit. How long will I wait? What behavior will push me over my limit faster? I think it's getting clearer to me.

I would like to say my limit is June on the job situation. If he has not found anything by June, I'll be done. That would have given him seven months to find ANY job.

Secondly, my behavior limit is if he continues to be brazenly rude to my parents and disrespectful to me within that time. I think that I will just say that we don't tolerate that kind of language and behavior in the house.

I might have to refine those things, but it's a start.

[Herodias]

I think I do have to get clear about what is my absolute limit. How long will I wait? What behavior will push me over my limit faster? I think it's getting clearer to me.

I would like to say my limit is June on the job situation. If he has not found anything by June, I'll be done. That would have given him seven months to find ANY job.

Secondly, my behavior limit is if he continues to be brazenly rude to my parents and disrespectful to me within that time. I think that I will just say that we don't tolerate that kind of language and behavior in the house.

I might have to refine those things, but it's a start.

Ok, then make sure what ever you say, you mean. Do not sway... .it will be used against you. Whatever your deal breaker is, you have to follow through on it. If you want him to follow through, you must as well. Make sure you are clear minded and not impulsive when you do it... .I wish you the best.

[formflier]

I think that I will just say that we don't tolerate that kind of language and behavior in the house. 

Yes!   

The simpler the better... .

I'm going to circle back to an earlier idea.  Pick an anniversary... .such as we've been here 4 months (basically something in the next week) and ask him to go get a thank you card for your parents.  Have him fill it out and then you can sign and say something additionally.

This can be a tie in to your June deadline (in your mind)... .we can express that differently to him.

Don't pester him any more about a job.  Pester him about solutions... .let him fill in the blank and be responsible for the results. 

"Hey babe... .let's go to the coffee shop and hang out for a bit and talk on our financial future."

"We've been here 4 months.  It would mean a lot to me if you would get a thank you card for my parents.  I'll write something in it after you write a few things."

Last thought for now:  Ask him about what he can contribute by June.  A contribution would be money earned and money saved.  Give him credit for both.

DO NOT give him a "do this or else deadline"... .that is like waving a cape at a Bull.  He will make some kind of move that is close but not enough by June... .and try to claim victim.  Try to confuse you and move you off your game.

Hang in there... .   

FF

[formflier]

And I don't mean the right path for him.  That's his task, not yours, OK?

 

WitzEndWife,

Do you understand this?  Lucky Jim is precisely on point. 

Can you think about the role you have been playing... .and list several areas where you have taken responsibility for him... when you shouldn't?

What does that look like?

Can you step back from that and let him do it himself?

Even more important...

Can you step back from that and let him not do it... and experience consequences

FF

[michel71]

My limits and boundaries were exceeded... .many times over. And that is on me because I did not have the courage of my convictions to end it when I had set a deadline for "x" to happen or "y" to happen. So taking the advice of many here I am focusing on myself and figuring out why I let my limits and boundaries get exceeded and/or why they were not firmly in place to begin with.

We all walk our own path. I am getting the idea that in order to get "unstuck" we have to sometimes work on our own stuff and then we can have the courage to do what must be done.

[Lucky Jim]

We all walk our own path. I am getting the idea that in order to get "unstuck" we have to sometimes work on our own stuff and then we can have the courage to do what must be done.

Nicely put, michel71.  Right, it involves returning the focus to oneself.  It's about striving for authenticity and returning to one's core values, which is why I usually suggest listening to one's gut feelings.

LJ

[WitzEndWife]

We all walk our own path. I am getting the idea that in order to get "unstuck" we have to sometimes work on our own stuff and then we can have the courage to do what must be done.

I really like that too. Maybe I need to do some more "me" work in order to feel ready. What's compounding the problem is that we're staying with my parents, and, because they're involved, it puts extra pressure on me to figure things out, because they suffer too. I think that's what's making me feel more stressed.