Need advice about how to deal with a situation with my daughter

[Parents! Get help here!]

While I was at work yesterday I missed a phone call from my 20 year old daughter  because I was in a meeting. After my meeting she called again an I spoke with her. She was screaming at me and calling me names. She stated that I didn't go through paperwork that she need for a job she's starting next week. However, I sat down with her the night before and helped her fill it out, even after she accused me of losing her birth certificate and social security card. Which btw she found in a box of paperwork that she has. Below is what she sent to me and my response to her.

D. You need to pick up the phone for once !
D. You said you would look through the ___ing paper work and you didn't look trough the tax part I told you I didn't know how to ___ing do that what is wrong with you.
D. You screwed me over I hope you know

My response.
I'm willing to go over everything with you via phone so you can learn how to do it. If you want to respectfully call me back now I have a couple of minutes.
M.
 I understand why you think that, I would feel the same if I didn't understand about taxes. The only reason I had you enter 0 was so they take enough taxes out so you won't owe. It's okay to claim 1 and you'll have a bit more in your check every week. If you do the tax worksheet then it may have you  claim more, and they may not take enough taxes out, then you'll risk having to pay at the end of the year. Taxes can get very complicated and confusing for anyone.
Ask your brother, he's had to pay for year. I think last year was $700. I'm not trying to screw you over, I'm trying to have you do the best thing for you so  you don't risk paying in. If protecting you in regards to taxes makes me a bad mom,  then I guess I have to accept that.

Fast forward to the evening, she didn't come hom, she ignored my calls and text asking  if she was okay.

I'm going to assume she coming home at some point today. I have a lot of negative feelings about what she said to me.

I'm open for advice on how to handle her blatant disrespect, it seems like nothing  I'm doing or saying gets through.
Thanks in advance...

[ElizabethL]

While I was at work yesterday I missed a phone call from my 20 year old daughter  because I was in a meeting. After my meeting she called again an I spoke with her. She was screaming at me and calling me names. She stated that I didn't go through paperwork that she need for a job she's starting next week. However, I sat down with her the night before and helped her fill it out, even after she accused me of losing her birth certificate and social security card. Which btw she found in a box of paperwork that she has. Below is what she sent to me and my response to her.

D. You need to pick up the phone for once !
D. You said you would look through the ___ing paper work and you didn't look trough the tax part I told you I didn't know how to ___ing do that what is wrong with you.
D. You screwed me over I hope you know

My response.
I'm willing to go over everything with you via phone so you can learn how to do it. If you want to respectfully call me back now I have a couple of minutes.
M.
 I understand why you think that, I would feel the same if I didn't understand about taxes. The only reason I had you enter 0 was so they take enough taxes out so you won't owe. It's okay to claim 1 and you'll have a bit more in your check every week. If you do the tax worksheet then it may have you  claim more, and they may not take enough taxes out, then you'll risk having to pay at the end of the year. Taxes can get very complicated and confusing for anyone.
Ask your brother, he's had to pay for year. I think last year was $700. I'm not trying to screw you over, I'm trying to have you do the best thing for you so  you don't risk paying in. If protecting you in regards to taxes makes me a bad mom,  then I guess I have to accept that.

Fast forward to the evening, she didn't come hom, she ignored my calls and text asking  if she was okay.

I'm going to assume she coming home at some point today. I have a lot of negative feelings about what she said to me.

I'm open for advice on how to handle her blatant disrespect, it seems like nothing  I'm doing or saying gets through.
Thanks in advance...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[dubiousraves]

I've had the same conversations with my daughter. In her case I think the meltdown had more to do with anxiety about starting a new job which would mean confronting social anxiety, performance anxiety and any other fear a BPDer will have going into a new situation. Maybe with your daughter its the same?

Maybe validate the emotion underlying the outburst, like " I know starting a new job can be really stressful and scary sometimes... ."

[Lollypop]

Hi Elizabeth L

It must be fate as the tax issue was the first thing on my mind as I woke up this morning regarding my bods26.

I agree with dubiousraves in that this is most probably not about you or most probably even tax.

My BPDs has a real problem with anything to do with administration BUT even more so with employment. He finds both very stressful and unable to cope very well. My BPDs has found a way to earn money casually and is virtually full time working; he's found a way forwards for himself. I try and keep my texts short as when he's anxious he can easily pick up on something else; he's just not listening when he's like that.

I think you've dealt with this extremely well and I found your play back of the text really interesting. It will help me when I too have this conversation.

If your daughter is anxious about the whole work and job thing then you look at this aspect. Try not to take anything she's says personally, she cant help how she behaves. She needs you to not react but do exactly as you've been doing - well done!

Let us know if you can how she is when she gets home.

Gently forwards, step by step

LP

[ElizabethL]

Good morning,
Thanks for your response. My d didn't come home until Sunday night. I choose to avoid her until Monday afternoon  because I was upset that she refused to let me know where she was the whole time she was gone. We have a peaceful household when things are good, so at point I haven't addressed the no contact issue I have with her. We had a lovely evening until her friend showed up. At which point she became volatile because she wanted her bike to go to a wooded area the is a know hot spot for drug use, drinking as well murders and rapes. Naturally we were fearful for her to go there so late in the evening. She needed a key to open the garage and get her bike. When she asked her step dad for it, he questioned her. She ended up exploding on him and screamed just give me the f in bike, he in turn responded in frustration and fear with anger. fine, I'll get your f in bike. He's always in control of his emotions, she's never heard him raid his voice. Needless to say, She freaked out and ran and said she was moving out. Then she started texting me the following.
D I hope I get kidnapped and killed so that's was the last way I was treated at my "home with my family that loves me"
M. I love you baby please come home tonight. I'm so worried About you

D No I'm 5 years old and can't do anything

M I understand why you feel that way tonight, I would feel the same. The reality is you're 20. Im not sure why, but your feet or ankles seem to get hurt around this time. It breaks my heart when you're hurt and unable to work because I know how much you love it. I didn't mean to hurt you by being fearful about you getting hurt.
D Not even that you even got Dad to yell at me and didn't stand up fo me so I don't want to live there anymore

M Bella, I know that you are really upset.  im sorry that I was fearful tonight. I'm really scared and worried about you, can you call me.

D No thank you

M Okay,  I know that your emotions are high right now and you're doing the best you can. I really hope and pray you're safe. I just want you to know that I love you and I will never give up on you.
 
All the above went on, then she walked through the door. At which time she was still emotionally aroused , just not as intense as when she stormed out. I told her I need to give her a hug. It took some coaxing, but she conceded and let me. While I hugged her I whispered. I am so happy you're home, I'm really worried about you. She started to cry and I just held her and gave her a million kisses until she was ready to sleep.

As for me, I'm ready to go on a mental break vacation just to get some sleep. Lol It's so hard keeping my immediate reactions inside. I hope for my daughters sake I can keep this going until she gets help.