No Tom Petty... the DREAMING is the hardest part

[michel71]

Dreams... .both the dreams we have at night and the loss of "the dream".

Before I go to sleep at night I pray for God to spare me from disturbing dreams about my uBPDw who I am now separated from. These worst of them include those where we are happy and blissful and I awake to the "thud" of reality that we are not. I also have terrible dreams that my uBPD is with her ex husband again or somebody else and that cuts like a knife.

I actually get up as soon as I open my eyes in the morning just to prevent falling back asleep into dream land. I consider it a victory if I wake up without terrible dreams.

As for the loss of "the dream"... .what we set out to do... .the hopes and plans for us... .that is a killer and has kept me hanging on. IT is hard to let that go. My wife and I went through so much to be together and it all just fell to ruins. So many disappointments and bad breaks and as that wasn't bad enough add to that a hefty dose of almost daily BPD torture and it was a lose-lose scenario.

I had to go to the jewelry district yesterday, a place where it all began for us. I remember buying her a promise ring and an eternity diamond necklace. I said "hello" to the jeweler who sold us our wedding bands. I walked right by the store where I purchased her 15k diamond engagement ring ( which she "lost"... .still not sure about that). It was pretty brutal going down memory lane and acknowledging the carnage of the last several years. Besides the obvious loss of money, the loss of "the dream" that so much of this jewelry represented, I felt like the relationship was a total failure, I was a failure, and would never love again... .not because it wasn't possible in theory but because my heart has been so mortally wounded. I gave all my love to her, even the love I should have had for myself.

[Chaffers]

 Think I was lucky in not dreaming for 8 months or so. Could have been down to the mirtazapine which messed me up in lots of ways...

 Optimism doesn't pay with a borderline near you that's for sure. As I became more isolated and she got worse the lack of any form of hope just about killed me.

 Not just jewellery, which I've been accused of stealing several times, there was an Alfa Romeo in excellent condition which mysteriously failed its mot two weeks after she'd mentioned someone offered to buy it.

The more stressed and strung out you are the more they think they can get away with.

 With more petty items or didn't matter whether she already had one, or several. Refuse to buy it and the original would quickly be left outside to rot, lost, broken or replaced anyway.

I lost count of the number of prams she'd acquired. Somewhere around 25 of them I think. Seven cars, six houses plus three hostels after her walkouts, 20+ fags a day and usually a bottle of wine on top.

Tells everyone that will listen that I'm financially abusive when I was on a salary a shade over the national average. Go figure .