Confused and would love thoughts and insight, HELP

[Lalathegreat]

To this point my person has very much fit the traditional "BPD" mold. The desperate accusations when feeling abandoned, the irrational circular arguments, the assignment of my motives and feelings.

Last night I saw something that I hadn't previously. We went out and he was calm. Rational. REASONABLE. He told me he was at a major crossroads and that he was sorry for being such a mess. That he didn't feel I understood how hard he was trying to be strong and good for me, but that he understood that he had messed a lot of things up. Then he told me that if I wanted to walk away because he wasn't "good enough" that he understood.

Ummmmmmm... .

So, I wonder what this means. I told him that I wanted to work on communicating better but that I wasn't ready to walk away. Which is true. I guess I'm just a little off guard because this is something that I haven't seen out of him before and now I'm wondering what it means. Did he offer me a "peaceful" way to leave because he is hoping that I take it? Like is this projection? Has he sensed my pulling away (which I view more as enforcing boundaries) and is trying something different to pull me back in? Is he just not actually BPD but high strung and I've misinterpreted? Ok, I consider that unlikely but inviting me to leave does seem to go against the whole BPD fear of abandonment thing.

Any thoughts or suggestions? I would love to see our communications stay calm. I guess I'm just so used to being ___ed with that I don't take anything at face value and am always searching for the underlying meaning. But generally, I want to figure out how to bottle what happened so that our conversations can be more that way than what they have generally devolved into.

And no - I can't really think of anything that *I* did differently leading up to the conversation. In fact, we actually had a hiccup in the car when I forgot to tell him which direction to turn and he told me that my expecting him to know where to go in an unfamiliar neighborhood indicated that I was either judging him as not "good enough" or being cruel and thoughtless. So that was... .you know, more standard for us. Sigh... .

[coworkerfriend]

Lala - I  have been with my pwBPD for 8 years now and so many of the posts you write are identical to situations and conversations we have had over the years.  My pwBPD is always telling me that I should leave - protect myself from him - that he understands how mentally messed up he is and that no one should have to deal with him.  I never know if it is projection or a test to see how committed I am to him.  I know he does "test" me - to see how I will react to certain situations. 

We have gone through calm and really thoughtful conversation times and they never last.  It always goes back to his core issues that he never deals with. 

I had the exact same hiccup in the car last night as you did giving directions.  He said the same thing to me - unfortunately last night, I didn't stay calm -I snapped at him and that lead to a massive fight.  I couldn't keep my mouth shut.  He was screaming that it is over and to get out of his house and as I was leaving - he was yelling that I always leave him - I never stay.   

These relationships are so hard - so draining and exhausting.  I feel like I lost part of myself over the years.  I used to be so confident - so intrinsically happy. I always look at the bright side - I used to be full of optimism and hope.   I have been worn down over time.   Protect yourself - don't lose yourself in this relationship. 

[formflier]

  Then he told me that if I wanted to walk away because he wasn't "good enough" that he understood.

A lot of this is guesswork... .but we can be good "educated guessers" 

After reading the post, I keyed in on this.  My guess is that you are doing better with tools and he has not been getting the "dysfunctional reaction" from you that he has been wanting... .so there is an effort to get a reaction.

So... .he pitches you a fastball to say... ."Yeah... I'm done... ."  at which point he can freak out again.

It doesn't appear you "took the bait"... .

Now... .please don't think that he sat around and plotted all this out... .in a scheming kind of way.  More like his feelings pushed him along to this.

Again... .it is possible that he was completely rational in what he was saying.  But it was likely a "feelings driven" type of statement.

After thinking about it... .does this match what you experienced?  Can you see this point of view?

FF

[Lalathegreat]

Coworker - thank you for your input. I have read many if your posts and slways found them highly relatable. I am sincerely amazed at times by the similarities amongst pwBPD. It's almost like they all read from the same script.

FF - that is actually a brilliant observation that I had not considered, but it makes an awful lot of sense. He claims to want nothing more than "peace", but we simply can't go more than a couple days without a fight that he created. The past few weeks I have made a point to excuse myself at the slightest hint of conflict which means that we have spent much less time together. If there is any element of "needing conflict" in him than I'm sure he is itching for a good argument.

I also started bringing my things home from his house, all but emptying my drawer of everything of essential items and he discovered that at the end of last week. That triggered a phone call where he asked why I no longer invite him running and why don't I want to see him and why am I emptying my drawer? So I do know that he senses me pulling away. (And honestly I have been setting myself up to be in a position to walk at any point - nothing of value at his home, less of my time and heart wrapped up with him, etc) so I imagine that has maybe triggered an "on my best behavior" response.

I just long for simplicity and communications that don't require s phd to interpret!

[Grey Kitty]

Last night I saw something that I hadn't previously. We went out and he was calm. Rational. REASONABLE.
... .
Then he told me that if I wanted to walk away because he wasn't "good enough" that he understood.

Ummmmmmm... .

Ummmmmmm... .is exactly it.

I'll grant that he was behaving better than he often/normally does when he said that... .

But a well-adjusted/sane person would never need to say that to their partner. Ever.

Because it is either manipulation or poor boundaries. If he had good boundaries, he would understand two things:

1. Either person can choose to end a r/s you are in at any time, without needing the other's permission, blessing, or anything.

2. Inviting your partner to end the r/s is just messed up. If you want to end it, do it. If you don't want to end it, why push your partner to do it for you?


Of course, he's got BPD and has poor boundaries, and thus you get to think about the best tools to use in a r/s with him, and what to say when he pulls this on you. A couple come to mind.

Ask about his feelings in an attempt to validate?

Just move on and not take the bait?