Over after a long 7 years

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

i guess the easiest way to start is at the beginning

i first met my BPDex in 7th grade, ill refer to her as B. Being 21 now, that feels like lifetimes ago. we initially met in band class, tho we really didnt talk until about 9th grade. B and i became really close really quickly but never a romantic relationship never started because she was dating a senior at the time. i always thought that she was perfect for me. i loved every part of her and she was always there for me. shes an amazingly gorgeous girl but one that never had a lot of friends in highschool and was known for being incredibly bossy and intelligent. we were close and there were several times i felt as if she might cheat on her bf with me but she never did. we both were very classy about it and we never crossed any lines, which looking back most definitley strenghthend our relationship. come junior year, she ended things with her bf. we literally talked about us being toghether right after they split. there was a school dance shortly after this and i danced and started going out with some freshman girl who i eventually took to prom that year. i told B things had changed, even tho i didnt know what, and continued to date this other girl for about a month before it ended in stupid dramatic fashion. B was really hurt by what i did and hated me for the rest of that year. i felt like garbage for what i had done. while i was with the freshman girl she started dating another guy. towards the end of that year we slowly rebuilt our friendship and one night in particular i broke down to her and told her how incredibly sorry i was for what i did. she forgave me and told me that she really cared about me. we continued being extremely close, far closer than her and her bf at the time. they broke up start of senior year and we started dating. she was the first girl i really kissed.g. it was like a dream come true for me. we were endlessly happy in the beginning, couldnt keep our hands off eachother. slowly, as i now am aware thats what happens to these relationships, stuff began to go south. she would become livid with me for the tiniest things. wouldnt talk to me for days. there was a day she said to me "ya know, lets not swear at eachother when we fight, ok?" ... .that evening we had our worst fight to that date and she told me to ___ off. i was shocked. i didnt know why she was so hurting, and i was hurt. i genuinely loved this girl so much and she would say things that really hurt me, isolate me from all my friends, a ruin some very important days in highschool. there was always a specific reason she would go off, so i always just assumed that "this is how girls act i guess" i hadnt really dated anyone before and had no comparison really. there was quite a long stretch of time where we would fight every week and it was a goal of mine to like not start a terrible fight for 7 days. the end of senior year rolls around and in a rash decision and against both of our better judgement, we decided to try to date long distance.

this is where stuff really hit the fan\

it was hard in the beginning of the long distance dating and we fought a lot. i tried so hard to balance my care for her without being clingy or controlling, and i thought i did a good job, but id dont really know at this point. she came home for october break and we discussed breaking up but we didnt. she came home for november break and we kinda called things off. the last day of break she for some reason wouldnt let me say goodbye to her before she went back to college. i was upset and hurt but didnt really do anything or say anything to her about it. later that day i was hanging with a younger friend of ours that really looked up to B and honestly really just tried to be like her. it was kinda embarrassing. anyway she asked me "hey have you heard of B's Joe?" i had heard the name but didnt know about him. apparently they were dating at that time and she never told me. that night i confronted her while she was driving back to school because it had turned out she changed her profile pic to him and her the night before. i was really devastated, especially after talking to her about it. she offered me no answer and told me to have a good life. i dont know how i feel at the moment im writing this, but i think that was the first time i was really sad in my life. i loved B so much. all of her issues, the fact her real dad went crazy and hadnt spoken to her in years, i loved her passion for everything and never thought of her as bossy. she just dumped me, with no reason or explanation, and i was just really crushed. i would have died for her. she was so cruel i felt sometimes, but i never did anything to her about it. i was hurt multiple times yes, but in reality my love for her never wavered, and i can say that proudly today. come january of that following year, a couple months after our fall out, she got drunk with a friend while in town and sent of video of them making out to one of my best friends, who showed it to all my friends. i was an ass and got hold of the video and sent it to her bf, then went home and got really drunk. that was the first time i really drank with the purpose to forget. i had been brooding in my sadness for months and i felt like a ___ but the video was just the perfect icing on the cake. the next morning i had a missed call from the police department saying that i needed to call them in regards to video getting shared. i called the cops and they told me to leave her alone, and i said thats all i wanted to happen, nothing came of it. from then till the summer of that year i was really feeling the sadness. i couldnt date anyone, could barely bring myself to get out of bed, my grades slipped, i started smoking weed and drinking more consistently. i was just sad and confused and never stopped thinking about B. I felt like ___ for everything and everything felt like my fault and that i pushed her away and hurt her so bad. end of summer i finally contacted her and said we had to much history and she was too important to me for things to end the way that they did, with the cops and all. she agreed to meet and talk and we did. i told her sorry, she told me how much she missed me and was hurt, and she started abusing drugs and drinking, i felt very sad for it all. we became intimate again before the end of summer, but that fall i left to go to school in indiana. it was a disaster there; i got a possession charge, had to do mandatory therapy, had no friends, no want to make friends, towards the end of the year i stopped going to classes entirely, was drinking heavily almost every night by myself. i think it was my lowest point. B was there for me and talked me through some hard times, but ultimately i felt very alone. I failed everything, came back home after one semester in janurary and lived with B in a friends house over that Christmas break because she was at odds with her parents. those were the start to the big fights. she would lose it on me, cry, talk about killing herself over the smallest things i may have done. i couldnt help her at all. my friends didnt know what was happening to me or her or us, and i didnt either. see when B got mad at me i would let it wreck me. i would be so hurt, and it would really effect my day to day life. she went back to school as a second semester sophomore, i continued just trying to pay rent with my friends. i drank a lot there, did harder drugs, B and i had a very strange romanticesque relationship but i dont think we were actually togher cuz she was sleeping with other guys, but i dont know. our relationship was just like a weird intimate spectrum during the college years with little to no boundaries. my friends bailed on the place in august of last year, about 4 or five months into the lease. at this point i was a year behind on school and desperate to go back. B was living at school over those summer months so i think i maybe saw her one time with one of her friends and it was just a really weird interaction. however after, she thought it was weird too, so that put me at a little ease. after i moved out of living with my friends, i was gonna just live at my parents and go to school. thats just when B came home because of a suicide attempt at school in august. that was 8 months ago at this point.

she came home, immidiately got put into an institution by her parents. she was doped up for 2 weeks. i was there everyday to see her. it broke my heart. she was so broken. she told me she got diagnosed bipolar. she left with 8 PRESCRIPTIONS. the pills messed with her so much. her and i were homeless for a bit because we couldnt live at either of our parents. we stayed with one of her coworkers for that time. we fought like everyday. she was suicidal most days. i didnt know what to do at all. i was so lost, shooting in the dark trying to help her. we were both so sad, her especially, and there was nothing i could do to ease her pain.we got this absolutely horrible cheap apartment and stuff got worse. there was a time i punched a hole in the wall out of anger, she would hit and slap me, break my things.  we were stressed all the time, we got a gun pulled on us, i had things stolen. we lasted a month there and broke the lease. we were both broken as people. we thought we were getting poisoned by the water heater, the cops were over for our upstairs neighbors multiple times and we only lived there for a month. we left there and got anohter nicer place. we were so paranoid when we left it blew my mind, i had no clue i could feel that way. i had never felt so bad before. i was working two jobs just to survive, and in my free time i was fighting with B, i cut for the first and only time in my life. there was one night in november of last year, we were at our new place for a month, and i really thought she was gonna kill herself. i was super tense about that already because she had told me she felt her "life was over", she "had no purpose", "shed never get better" "it would be easier if she were dead." i called her mom and she came over and B just cried in her arms while i sat next to them. thats when her mom finally said she thinks there may be more than just the bipolar and that maybe she has BPD to. shortly after that she was diagnosed to be BPD. i did basic research but didnt really understand. till finally, after fights and fights and fights and countless times of her splitting on me, one night, i finally found this site and as i like to call it, i lost my innocence. i was up all night reading other peoples BPD stories, experiences, and suddenly i didnt feel alone. i was sad, but less alone. i learned that the way she acts, her fear of me leaving, her "i hate you dont go" moments, all made sense, and i was just enabling her and walking right into her traps. it changed my life. after that i tried everytingn to make things easier. validation of her feelings, de escalation tactics. but i couldnt do it. something about me is that i get very angry. she started to tell me she feels im abusing her with talking over her, interrupting her, and all the things my parents do. i never wanted to act like my parents and treat her crappy, but it felt as if i couldnt help it. nothing i did was good enough, especially during fights. i could be a punching bag and take it, and i would for the most part, but as soon as i began to let my guard down wed fight for like two days. it was so challenging. i was so sad. i started crying randomly. i would be scared to go to work because she would say how sad she was and how i was leaving her. i was scared for her safety. i loved her and told her i would do anything for her, but i started to say sorry too much, and she started to ask me how many more times i would have to say it. i grew tired of everything.  she started to degress psychologically in about February. i would study and study what to do and try to execute during times of crises, but every time i walked away feeling like the one who had the issues and had to change. every time she would tell me im the abuser and how it feels like i make her crazy and perpetuate the ___ she feels inside. her dad, who died alone and in a wreck of a house over mental illness died about a month and a half ago. then she really started to degress. she started cutting again, she would tell me how it felt like id hand her the knife. we stopped having sex like last year sometime. she would tell me that i needed help and why do i do this to her. i stopped caring about most things. we stopped fighting for a while because almost every night we would have this close mutual friend over named J. we ultimately, after soo many false threats, decided itd be better for me to move out. i eventually did, and she begged me not to go the day i left. i knew it was for the best and i cant control what she may or may not do. i moved out about 2 weeks ago to tears and her begging me to get better and get help and why am i leaving her? and why do i hurt her so much? it was like slowly pulling out a dagger that had been impaled in me for years. B wanted me to move in with J when i moved out, but as soon as i moved out she tried to sleep with him and literally just told him to ___ me over and move in with her. he didnt cuz he knows how she is, but its just torn me and Js relationship apart. and now im at my parents feeling emptier than ever. i think its over, especially after the stuff she pulled with J, but also im just kinda numb now.

i want to conclude with saying that im definitely not guiltless. i have my own problems that i was working hard on to fix. also the way she has acted since the day i met her, NOW at least, is no surprise to me. all of the splitting, self harm, projection, it all makes sense now. she may have been abused as a child by her dad and her mom treated in a almost cruel way at times.

i just always think that she doesn't act this way to hurt me on purpose. she didnt try to sleep with my friend or call me names or hit me because she wanted to. sure its her choice but she makes these decisions based on her fear and i only wanted to help her. i think i have some sort of hero complex but i dontknow. i just loved her thats all. i left her crying in that apartment and now im numb. numb to everything. i have no hobbies, passions, ambitions, goals, plans, hope and i know i cant blame her for that, but i just feel broken. i thought id be happier leaving her and i feel emptier than ever before because before i had her, now i dont have anything. i miss the crazy fighting. it was adrenaline for me, a poisonous adrenaline. i have no drive. i abuse drugs and alcohol, but i dont want to change, becase im too tired to change. i felt like i was changing and evolving constantly to meet the needs of me and B's relationship, so now im done trying. im not suicidal, but i just want to rest forever ya know? i cant get out of bed, i dont care about any of my relationships. sadness is like a blanket for me that just wraps me up and im honestly more comfortable in the sadness than anything else. i dont know how to live without feeling anxiety or sadness and im just too comfortable in it. what could it possibly be like to look forward to tomorrow? or the long term future? i cant, and i honestly dont want to.

 and thats why im writing on here. is because im comfortable in the sadness, but i dont want to stay in it, but i dont know how to fix it. my shrink had to stop seeing me cuz i wasnt told but i was only allowed 5 visits a year under my insurance, and i dont want to find another one. i want to just be by myself and have no one talk to me. im just tired after it all. it feels like ive lived lifetimes with this girl and i literally am just now old enough to go to a bar. i cant even imagine starting a relationship ever again because i dealt with so much stuff for so long. i cant imagine being 25. i see no future for me. i dont care for sex, talking to girls. i ultimately feel broken, and im at a complete loss for what to do.

i ramble i know

[trickyfox]

i guess the easiest way to start is at the beginning

i first met my BPDex in 7th grade, ill refer to her as B. Being 21 now, that feels like lifetimes ago. we initially met in band class, tho we really didnt talk until about 9th grade. B and i became really close really quickly but never a romantic relationship never started because she was dating a senior at the time. i always thought that she was perfect for me. i loved every part of her and she was always there for me. shes an amazingly gorgeous girl but one that never had a lot of friends in highschool and was known for being incredibly bossy and intelligent. we were close and there were several times i felt as if she might cheat on her bf with me but she never did. we both were very classy about it and we never crossed any lines, which looking back most definitley strenghthend our relationship. come junior year, she ended things with her bf. we literally talked about us being toghether right after they split. there was a school dance shortly after this and i danced and started going out with some freshman girl who i eventually took to prom that year. i told B things had changed, even tho i didnt know what, and continued to date this other girl for about a month before it ended in stupid dramatic fashion. B was really hurt by what i did and hated me for the rest of that year. i felt like garbage for what i had done. while i was with the freshman girl she started dating another guy. towards the end of that year we slowly rebuilt our friendship and one night in particular i broke down to her and told her how incredibly sorry i was for what i did. she forgave me and told me that she really cared about me. we continued being extremely close, far closer than her and her bf at the time. they broke up start of senior year and we started dating. she was the first girl i really kissed.g. it was like a dream come true for me. we were endlessly happy in the beginning, couldnt keep our hands off eachother. slowly, as i now am aware thats what happens to these relationships, stuff began to go south. she would become livid with me for the tiniest things. wouldnt talk to me for days. there was a day she said to me "ya know, lets not swear at eachother when we fight, ok?" ... .that evening we had our worst fight to that date and she told me to ___ off. i was shocked. i didnt know why she was so hurting, and i was hurt. i genuinely loved this girl so much and she would say things that really hurt me, isolate me from all my friends, a ruin some very important days in highschool. there was always a specific reason she would go off, so i always just assumed that "this is how girls act i guess" i hadnt really dated anyone before and had no comparison really. there was quite a long stretch of time where we would fight every week and it was a goal of mine to like not start a terrible fight for 7 days. the end of senior year rolls around and in a rash decision and against both of our better judgement, we decided to try to date long distance.

this is where stuff really hit the fan\

it was hard in the beginning of the long distance dating and we fought a lot. i tried so hard to balance my care for her without being clingy or controlling, and i thought i did a good job, but id dont really know at this point. she came home for october break and we discussed breaking up but we didnt. she came home for november break and we kinda called things off. the last day of break she for some reason wouldnt let me say goodbye to her before she went back to college. i was upset and hurt but didnt really do anything or say anything to her about it. later that day i was hanging with a younger friend of ours that really looked up to B and honestly really just tried to be like her. it was kinda embarrassing. anyway she asked me "hey have you heard of B's Joe?" i had heard the name but didnt know about him. apparently they were dating at that time and she never told me. that night i confronted her while she was driving back to school because it had turned out she changed her profile pic to him and her the night before. i was really devastated, especially after talking to her about it. she offered me no answer and told me to have a good life. i dont know how i feel at the moment im writing this, but i think that was the first time i was really sad in my life. i loved B so much. all of her issues, the fact her real dad went crazy and hadnt spoken to her in years, i loved her passion for everything and never thought of her as bossy. she just dumped me, with no reason or explanation, and i was just really crushed. i would have died for her. she was so cruel i felt sometimes, but i never did anything to her about it. i was hurt multiple times yes, but in reality my love for her never wavered, and i can say that proudly today. come january of that following year, a couple months after our fall out, she got drunk with a friend while in town and sent of video of them making out to one of my best friends, who showed it to all my friends. i was an ass and got hold of the video and sent it to her bf, then went home and got really drunk. that was the first time i really drank with the purpose to forget. i had been brooding in my sadness for months and i felt like a ___ but the video was just the perfect icing on the cake. the next morning i had a missed call from the police department saying that i needed to call them in regards to video getting shared. i called the cops and they told me to leave her alone, and i said thats all i wanted to happen, nothing came of it. from then till the summer of that year i was really feeling the sadness. i couldnt date anyone, could barely bring myself to get out of bed, my grades slipped, i started smoking weed and drinking more consistently. i was just sad and confused and never stopped thinking about B. I felt like ___ for everything and everything felt like my fault and that i pushed her away and hurt her so bad. end of summer i finally contacted her and said we had to much history and she was too important to me for things to end the way that they did, with the cops and all. she agreed to meet and talk and we did. i told her sorry, she told me how much she missed me and was hurt, and she started abusing drugs and drinking, i felt very sad for it all. we became intimate again before the end of summer, but that fall i left to go to school in indiana. it was a disaster there; i got a possession charge, had to do mandatory therapy, had no friends, no want to make friends, towards the end of the year i stopped going to classes entirely, was drinking heavily almost every night by myself. i think it was my lowest point. B was there for me and talked me through some hard times, but ultimately i felt very alone. I failed everything, came back home after one semester in janurary and lived with B in a friends house over that Christmas break because she was at odds with her parents. those were the start to the big fights. she would lose it on me, cry, talk about killing herself over the smallest things i may have done. i couldnt help her at all. my friends didnt know what was happening to me or her or us, and i didnt either. see when B got mad at me i would let it wreck me. i would be so hurt, and it would really effect my day to day life. she went back to school as a second semester sophomore, i continued just trying to pay rent with my friends. i drank a lot there, did harder drugs, B and i had a very strange romanticesque relationship but i dont think we were actually togher cuz she was sleeping with other guys, but i dont know. our relationship was just like a weird intimate spectrum during the college years with little to no boundaries. my friends bailed on the place in august of last year, about 4 or five months into the lease. at this point i was a year behind on school and desperate to go back. B was living at school over those summer months so i think i maybe saw her one time with one of her friends and it was just a really weird interaction. however after, she thought it was weird too, so that put me at a little ease. after i moved out of living with my friends, i was gonna just live at my parents and go to school. thats just when B came home because of a suicide attempt at school in august. that was 8 months ago at this point.

she came home, immidiately got put into an institution by her parents. she was doped up for 2 weeks. i was there everyday to see her. it broke my heart. she was so broken. she told me she got diagnosed bipolar. she left with 8 PRESCRIPTIONS. the pills messed with her so much. her and i were homeless for a bit because we couldnt live at either of our parents. we stayed with one of her coworkers for that time. we fought like everyday. she was suicidal most days. i didnt know what to do at all. i was so lost, shooting in the dark trying to help her. we were both so sad, her especially, and there was nothing i could do to ease her pain.we got this absolutely horrible cheap apartment and stuff got worse. there was a time i punched a hole in the wall out of anger, she would hit and slap me, break my things.  we were stressed all the time, we got a gun pulled on us, i had things stolen. we lasted a month there and broke the lease. we were both broken as people. we thought we were getting poisoned by the water heater, the cops were over for our upstairs neighbors multiple times and we only lived there for a month. we left there and got anohter nicer place. we were so paranoid when we left it blew my mind, i had no clue i could feel that way. i had never felt so bad before. i was working two jobs just to survive, and in my free time i was fighting with B, i cut for the first and only time in my life. there was one night in november of last year, we were at our new place for a month, and i really thought she was gonna kill herself. i was super tense about that already because she had told me she felt her "life was over", she "had no purpose", "shed never get better" "it would be easier if she were dead." i called her mom and she came over and B just cried in her arms while i sat next to them. thats when her mom finally said she thinks there may be more than just the bipolar and that maybe she has BPD to. shortly after that she was diagnosed to be BPD. i did basic research but didnt really understand. till finally, after fights and fights and fights and countless times of her splitting on me, one night, i finally found this site and as i like to call it, i lost my innocence. i was up all night reading other peoples BPD stories, experiences, and suddenly i didnt feel alone. i was sad, but less alone. i learned that the way she acts, her fear of me leaving, her "i hate you dont go" moments, all made sense, and i was just enabling her and walking right into her traps. it changed my life. after that i tried everytingn to make things easier. validation of her feelings, de escalation tactics. but i couldnt do it. something about me is that i get very angry. she started to tell me she feels im abusing her with talking over her, interrupting her, and all the things my parents do. i never wanted to act like my parents and treat her crappy, but it felt as if i couldnt help it. nothing i did was good enough, especially during fights. i could be a punching bag and take it, and i would for the most part, but as soon as i began to let my guard down wed fight for like two days. it was so challenging. i was so sad. i started crying randomly. i would be scared to go to work because she would say how sad she was and how i was leaving her. i was scared for her safety. i loved her and told her i would do anything for her, but i started to say sorry too much, and she started to ask me how many more times i would have to say it. i grew tired of everything.  she started to degress psychologically in about February. i would study and study what to do and try to execute during times of crises, but every time i walked away feeling like the one who had the issues and had to change. every time she would tell me im the abuser and how it feels like i make her crazy and perpetuate the ___ she feels inside. her dad, who died alone and in a wreck of a house over mental illness died about a month and a half ago. then she really started to degress. she started cutting again, she would tell me how it felt like id hand her the knife. we stopped having sex like last year sometime. she would tell me that i needed help and why do i do this to her. i stopped caring about most things. we stopped fighting for a while because almost every night we would have this close mutual friend over named J. we ultimately, after soo many false threats, decided itd be better for me to move out. i eventually did, and she begged me not to go the day i left. i knew it was for the best and i cant control what she may or may not do. i moved out about 2 weeks ago to tears and her begging me to get better and get help and why am i leaving her? and why do i hurt her so much? it was like slowly pulling out a dagger that had been impaled in me for years. B wanted me to move in with J when i moved out, but as soon as i moved out she tried to sleep with him and literally just told him to ___ me over and move in with her. he didnt cuz he knows how she is, but its just torn me and Js relationship apart. and now im at my parents feeling emptier than ever. i think its over, especially after the stuff she pulled with J, but also im just kinda numb now.

i want to conclude with saying that im definitely not guiltless. i have my own problems that i was working hard on to fix. also the way she has acted since the day i met her, NOW at least, is no surprise to me. all of the splitting, self harm, projection, it all makes sense now. she may have been abused as a child by her dad and her mom treated in a almost cruel way at times.

i just always think that she doesn't act this way to hurt me on purpose. she didnt try to sleep with my friend or call me names or hit me because she wanted to. sure its her choice but she makes these decisions based on her fear and i only wanted to help her. i think i have some sort of hero complex but i dontknow. i just loved her thats all. i left her crying in that apartment and now im numb. numb to everything. i have no hobbies, passions, ambitions, goals, plans, hope and i know i cant blame her for that, but i just feel broken. i thought id be happier leaving her and i feel emptier than ever before because before i had her, now i dont have anything. i miss the crazy fighting. it was adrenaline for me, a poisonous adrenaline. i have no drive. i abuse drugs and alcohol, but i dont want to change, becase im too tired to change. i felt like i was changing and evolving constantly to meet the needs of me and B's relationship, so now im done trying. im not suicidal, but i just want to rest forever ya know? i cant get out of bed, i dont care about any of my relationships. sadness is like a blanket for me that just wraps me up and im honestly more comfortable in the sadness than anything else. i dont know how to live without feeling anxiety or sadness and im just too comfortable in it. what could it possibly be like to look forward to tomorrow? or the long term future? i cant, and i honestly dont want to.

 and thats why im writing on here. is because im comfortable in the sadness, but i dont want to stay in it, but i dont know how to fix it. my shrink had to stop seeing me cuz i wasnt told but i was only allowed 5 visits a year under my insurance, and i dont want to find another one. i want to just be by myself and have no one talk to me. im just tired after it all. it feels like ive lived lifetimes with this girl and i literally am just now old enough to go to a bar. i cant even imagine starting a relationship ever again because i dealt with so much stuff for so long. i cant imagine being 25. i see no future for me. i dont care for sex, talking to girls. i ultimately feel broken, and im at a complete loss for what to do.

i ramble i know