Is it BPD?

[Brnoman]

I have lived with my partner for over 10-years and we have a daughter aged 9. I am a generation older and also from a different country. Even when we first met - and it was head over heels - there were moments when she suddenly raged about what I though were inconsequential things and would storm off telling me to go home. I thought it a personality trait. It was always my fault and I just thought it was age, culture, language etc. Anyway, it has got so bad that I followed through on her suggestion that I fxxx off and I rented an apartment and left - to me its a break. It's a trial separation. But it has got worse! One minute I get emails and texts saying she loves me, when will I sleep at home with her again and so on and the next, bang - fxxk off, get lost, go see your red headed brats in Texas... .rage and anger and it is always my fault.

She seems to want all of my attention all of the time. My interests are worthless and unintresting. If I don't do sports with her or use the weekend with some activities then I am an old lazy idiot... .If I say something about her no matter how carefully to anyone and it gets back to her she is enraged. I made a joke with a friend of a friend recently that his new partner had the same name and he should watch out - out was over beer and was not meant in any way nastily and yet when she found out, she didnt speak to me for 24 hours. Meanwhile, it is always my fault and there is always a kernel of truth to that like the last example. I am subject to anger, vents, name calling, sarcasm, the sort of thing Id expect from a 10 year old. She says one thing, I follow through and then she is upset that I did... .

I feel like I am going crazy. She just now agreed to go to relationship counselling but I don't know. At 57 I want to find some stability in my life and I want to be who I am without having my eyes gouged for it.

[formflier]

She just now agreed to go to relationship counselling but I don't know. At 57 I want to find some stability in my life and I want to be who I am without having my eyes gouged for it.

I'm glad you found us.   I'm also glad that your SO (significant other) has agreed to go to counseling.

Have you ever done this before... .joint or individual therapy?

I want to encourage you to come back here regularly to post, read and ask questions.  I'm glad you are older and wiser.  I'm 47... .so we are close.  My hope is that you can see this in the big picture and realize that taking 6 months to "learn a new language"... .is not the end of the world.

Reality:  I want to help you learn a few truths about BPDish behavior.

1.  Boundaries are critical.  That creates your own space where you can be you.  There is NO option I'm aware of where your SO is happy about your boundaries.  If she agrees with your boundaries, my gut reaction would be that you are doing them incorrectly.   (more on this later)  Are you familiar with "relationship boundaries?  What does this mean to you?

2.  This process of learning really will be like learning a new language.  Many parts of the world read and speak very differently from me (I'm American... .but have traveled the world).  Usually... when you go  on "their turf"... .you respect their culture.  When they come to your house... .you expect them to respect yours (while of course being an understanding host).

3.  Look at your quote above... .we hope to guide you to a point where you say... .

"I've found stability in my life, my partner doesn't like it and tries to gouge my eyes out over it...    I hate that for her, because I don't hang out with people like that.  She missed enjoying a good (fill in activity) the other day because of her choices.  I sure enjoyed it though... ."

Thoughts... ?

FF