I just need to vent about my mother

[kitty1]

I have never tried anything like this before I just felt it might be cathartic as I am having a really stressful life with university and my partner which combined with the stress of my mother its getting a little tough.
I am beginning to understand I will never cure her or change her but I can talk about it and vent most importantly.

I thought for many years I personally suffered from mental illness. I really worried about it and i think I spent a lot of my teenage years almost trying to prove it- my behavior was quite self destructive.
Over the last couple of years I thought more and more that my mother is spiraling but i believe the greater my sense of self becomes the more i recognise abnormal behaviors which have always been there.
Ultimately, I have always had the capacity for insight which my mother does not have.
She was always difficult, my father left and i think she was somehow happy- it meant she could blame him and we were an isolated family unit of three.
She then when i was 11 and my father just left decided she need to change career.
She worked long hour then and i was responsible for dressing and taking my brother (three years my junior) to school. She believes this made us closer but i made me more isolated.
I would physically fight my brother because he would not behave and i couldn't make him (why would he i was his sister not his mother)
I would get embarrass when we fought in school and eventually grew further away from everyone else my age.
Shortly after my dad left my grandmother died which made things more difficult- we had been looked after by my grandmother after school and after she passed away we had to go to a childcare after school class which i hated.
I silently loathed this class for months and hated my brother for making friends there when i couldn't. eventually the teacher told my mother i didn't play with the other kids- she took us out the club, quit her course and blamed it on me.
I have been going through this cycle ever since and I am 22 now.
She yoyos from intrusive to standoffish, she gambles compulsively and blames me for letting her, my brother is aggressive towards me and she blames me because i "wind him up".
I am not perfect but she called me an embarrassment for so long i second guess every move i make and i now suffer with OCD and anxiety.
Oh, typing that put makes me feel better already.

Thanks for reading 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gorges]

Sorry that you have gone through so much.  Families are complicated.  You are not alone.  I am sure my daughter can commiserate and I am sorry for my part in her troubles.  That said, can you go to therapy, church, yoga-something to make you feel better?  It is not easy being an "intense" person.  You can get blamed for a lot.  It is ok to distance yourself from your mother.  Maintain a polite relationship with boundaries.  It can be difficult.
If you do decide to go to therapy, please go to someone who does mindfulness, cognitive behavioral therapy or DBT.  Ask for specific strategies to deal with your OCD and anxiety.  Sometimes all therapists do is listen and validate.  This can make the situation worse.  The "story" behind our feelings can get us even more upset.  If all we do is tell the story and never let it go we can do a lot of damage to ourselves and the world around us.

I just took an on-line course from UDEMY with Pema Chodron.  She is a buddhist monk.  I found her message to be very healing.

[kitty1]

Thanks Gorges,
I am in CBT therapy but the way the NHS sessions work I only get a set number. Which isn't great but the session I have had have been great- I wish I could pay for more.
In the mean time I have been learning to practice distance because I do love my mother and she can be funny and good to be with so I do not want to cut her off.
I am practicing learning to remove myself from the situation when it gets intense and indulging in a little self-care which can be anything from a cup of tea to a long bath.
The worse paradox about my mother is she seems to let the conflict go as soon as it happens or write it off which means I never get closure.
The tea sure does help!