It's been a few good days, surely that means a storm is coming...

[Lalathegreat]

It was pwBPD's birthday Monday which means that we have done a few really fun things over the past few days and that everything has been relatively calm. We have even (date I say?) enjoyed one another's company for the most part. There was one instance where he felt I had made a dismissive remark and started to spiral, but I excused myself to the bathroom and when I returned he had somewhat composed himself. One thing he said afterwards was interesting to me. He asked if I thought that he was mad at ME. He claims he was just having a little "tissy fit" about a pet peeve and seemed confused that I would take it personally.

I think though that I have come to a moment where I need to find some radical acceptance. Because I KNOW a storm is coming. I've learned that the peaceful times don't last. And yeah, I'm getting better at the tools and it's helped me to manage my own emotional stuff better. But this is the "deciding" board and the reality for me is that I don't know if I can ever find "acceptance" with how ridiculously hard it all is.

I was talking with my therapist yesterday and trying to figure out how I have (for the most part) accepted the unlikelihood of this relationship lasting. I've definitely been emotionally distancing, but I have been unable to actually leave. I have often thought - if he would just do x or y than I would be completely justified in calling that THE END. But seriously, i don't trust that - he has already done those things and I didn't leave. At some point in that conversation I realized that  in marrying my high school sweetheart, and also in the blueprint of my family dynamic growing up - I have never had to learn how to break up! What a strange but true discovery. Even my divorce has been strangely amicable - the petering out of something whose end was a forgone conclusion by the end.

Is this just me? Or are others in this boat of staying in a relationship that doesn't work because you can't quite figure out how to leave?

[allienoah]

I am with you. Having a bad day as I am getting more and more pressure to end it. I make decisions that shut out my friends and family to show my devotion to him. I am in a constant tug of war. I of course logically know that I am not going to be able to accept this behavior forever. I am becoming more and more depressed. I want my family and friends who love me. I constantly feel like I go back and forth. it is very frustrating for me. So yes I totally understand what you are saying. How do we finally leave? HOW?

[formflier]

Lalathegreat,

Just like any weather forecast ... .prepare for what is coming.

When the storm starts... .put up your umbrella... .or go inside.  Then... .when the storm is over... come out an enjoy the fresh feeling after a storm.

Note... .you are not responsible for making sure your partner has a raincoat... .or an umbrealla... .or doesn't get hit by hail if he chooses to say outside.

Can you do it?

FF

[Pina colada]

Formflier, that is brilliant!

[Lalathegreat]

I agree - FF is pretty much spot on!

And I guess that is the problem I am having... .I don't think I can be happy in a situation where I have to always be watching the forecast and remembering to pack an umbrella for the odd surprise flash flood. And I have a horrible time NOT feeling responsible for everyone around me which adds another dimension to the problem - me and healthy boundaries need to get acquainted.

I really just wish that I could rewind a year and make different choices with the benefit of hindsight but that's not an option so... .

Allienoah - I think we have a lot in common. Thanks for your support.

[formflier]

And I have a horrible time NOT feeling responsible for everyone around me which adds another dimension to the problem - me and healthy boundaries need to get acquainted.
 

We normally don't give much direct... .stay or go type of stuff on these boards.

I will say that relationships mature us.  They "expose" areas that we need to work on.  It's obvious you are fond of your guy and his child.

I'm wondering if it would be a healthy goal to stick around in this relationship until you are fine with changes in weather.  Unlikely a weather change will NEVER both you... .

And sure... .it is unlikely that you will never care that someone you care about stays outside in the weather... but... .everyone responsible for themselves... .

Once you are in the spot where you go inside, get a nice warm cup of tea... .and then kinda shake you head that someone you know decided to get a good soaking... .I think you will be in a better position to decide if this is a long term r/s for you... .or if you are going to learn something and then move on.

Either choice is fine... .and either way you will be a much better Lala!  

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lala, Sure I think it's normal to let things drift in a BPD r/s.  We've all done it!  Or at least I have.  BPD is such a complex disorder, in my view, that it's hard to get a handle on the "right" direction when one is in the throes of it.  BPD is such a mixed bag of push/pull, hot/cold.  In order to gain clarity, suggest you focus on YOU: your needs, your values, your gut feelings, what you want to see happen, etc.

LuckyJim

[allienoah]

No problem Lala! I agree that we have tons in common. Let me ask, do your family members shun your r/s and remove themselves from your presence as a result of his behavior?

[patientandclear]

I'm wondering if it would be a healthy goal to stick around in this relationship until you are fine with changes in weather.  Unlikely a weather change will NEVER both you... .

And sure... .it is unlikely that you will never care that someone you care about stays outside in the weather... but... .everyone responsible for themselves... .

Once you are in the spot where you go inside, get a nice warm cup of tea... .and then kinda shake you head that someone you know decided to get a good soaking... .I think you will be in a better position to decide if this is a long term r/s for you... .or if you are going to learn something and then move on.

Either choice is fine... .and either way you will be a much better Lala!  

FF

I think it's far from clear that developing a tolerance for being treated poorly is a "healthy goal." It may be a route for staying, but a million times we've read on these boards that people who are truly emotionally healthy wouldn't have stayed past the first few times. Leaving and returning for it to happen again and again may reflect momentary boundaries, but are these really boundaries when we return for more, just broken into a new round?

[Lalathegreat]

FF - interesting food for thought. I do know that whatever the outcome, I am already a much different and wiser person than before this relationship. There are  many weaknesses that have been exposed that I will be working to change for some time to come even if THIS r/s ends tomorrow.

Allienoah - at this point his behavior with my kids has been without blemish and I have not introduced him to other family. Because our relationship began at the time I was finalizing my divorce, and out of an abundance of caution and respect for their healing process, my children only know that we are friends. If everything were more stable I would have probably considered including my children in more if our activities and making the relationship known, but with everything so chaotic all the time I have tried to protect them as much as possible. I think that probably speaks volumes - if you can't feel comfortable with the idea of your boyfriend spending time around your kids that's a bad sign, and I just can't quite get there.

My friends in the other hand are generally livid with me for staying and there are even a few who have distanced themselves to the outskirts of my life on account of it. I wonder if I should not have shared so openly, but there have been so many times that I was desperate for emotional support. Now I find myself in the position of having to justify my every choice regarding pwBPD and it has definitely isolated me from the circle of friends I used to hold so close. It has made things rather lonely and I miss many of the people who no longer feel they can be supportive of me.

[allienoah]

I did the same with my kids, but they are older-21,24-and can tell when I'm upset, sad, etc. They are pretty intuitive and bright and it doesn't take a genius to figure out where my dismay came from. I would love for them to spend time together but there is already far too much animosity towards him. My kids have laid down the gauntlet that if I "choose" him, they are "done" with me.
My friends are livid as well for the most part. You are so right when you said that you shared circumstances in need of emotional support and it backfired. I can't tell you how many incidents have been thrown in my face when speaking about my bf. Many of them have distanced themselves as well. It is so sad when you feel isolated and alone. I'm sure you have many people who still love you, but are just enforcing their own private boundaries with your situation. Seems so unfair to me that the ones that are supposed to love me most, have put up such walls. Yet at their heart, they just want me to be happy and safe. So I respect that-but I definitely miss the relationships. Don't blame yourself for sharing openly. You were being honest. You sound like a very loving person. I too feel wiser and different, yet just not strong enough to fully commit to a decision yet.

[formflier]

I think it's far from clear that developing a tolerance for being treated poorly is a "healthy goal." 

For clarity's sake... .being tolerant of being treated poorly is the opposite of my idea.

Once you are at a point where you realize "oh... .this person is treating me poorly... .I'm not sticking around this evening... "  AND you are fine with whatever the persons reaction is to your boundary enforcement... .then I think you are on the path to a healthier you.

Especially when the next day... if the person is treating your well... you can enjoy the r/s... .

The key is to leave or protect yourself when poor treatment shows up... .let others figure out the fallout from your boundary enforcement.

FF