What's the treatment outlook for a middle-aged man who has BPD and alcoholism?

[Breathe066]

I have seen several articles that state that after just two or three years of therapy, pwBPD may improve so much that they are barely on the BPD scale anymore. If that is the case, maybe my brief marriage can be saved.
Or maybe not.
My husband is middle-aged and an alcoholic with BPD. When the topic of BPD has come up in the past he has vilified those with it and vehemently denied that he has it, but recently I found out that he was diagnosed with BPD years ago after years of therapy and then quit the therapist and went to one who is a moron. (I know because when I suggested therapy, that's where we went. This lady nods, smiles, takes the money and suggests weekend couples therapy retreats. As if we'd have a prayer of spending a weekend at a resort without him getting tanked and destroying something. He's actually gone to therapy drunk and she continued the session.)
He also denies he is an alcoholic, although the DUIs and job losses and divorces tell a different story. His is extremely easily triggered, hyper emotional, lashes out and is abusive toward me.
What would need to happen for him to be one of those fortunate folks who barely register on the BPD scale? Would he be better attuned to therapy if I were not in his life? There are lots of good things about him. I fell head over heels in love with him and I still love him despite the shenanigans. I just don't want him around until he gets real help.
Opinions are most welcome.

[formflier]

He would need to own his issues and actively work on them... .consistently.

It would appear that he is "running" from them... .or "blame shifting".

If the real question is "what can I do" to help him get off the BPD scale, then I would suggest boundaries, no rescuing and eventually make choices for yourself that he will have to make choices to follow or not.

The way all this is presented and done really does matter, but... the big picture is that he needs to work on him.  That is a tall order for many with BPD.

What are you doing to educate yourself about what you are going through and take care of yourself

FF

[Breathe066]

Reading everything I can find on BPD.

[formflier]

Yep... .I remember those days.  I still do quite a bit of reading about relationships, especially about "my part" in whatever relationship that I am in.

I'm going to make some assumptions here... .let me know how close I am.

Right now you are hoping that you will "find the key" to convincing your pwBPD to get serious about getting treatment... .and get better.  That is a worth goal... .it really is.

Eventually, I would bet that you will shift your focus to "What changes can I make, that will take our relationship to a better/different place... .whether my pwBPD wants to go there or not.

Generally... I have found the later mindset works better and produces lasting relationship change, because a disordered person DOES NOT have to be counted on to make things better.

Sure, they have a choice to leave the relationship, and sometimes that does happen, but... .usually their fear of abandonment is so strong that they go along with the "new normal" (usually more boundaries)... .even while they grumble about it.

How close am I?

   

FF

[Breathe066]

He left weeks ago. We've been in touch, however, I was admitted to the hospital last night with a fairly serious gastric illness and only just got home. When I arrived at the ER last night, I texted to let him know that I might be out of pocket for a while and to tell him what was wrong--that he would rush to my side was out of the question, first, I knew he wouldn't, second, geographically, he can't. I let him know because he's my husband and I thought that's what grown-ups do when they get seriously ill.
His response? "Would you want to hear about my physical ailments? Of course not! It's gross! Leave me alone or I shall be forced to protect myself!"
That's what he said from 1500 miles away in response to a text about part of my colon being removed.
So, therefore. I am done having anything to do with him. I will divorce him. I am sick and tired of having to do all the hard stuff by myself and being married to a self-centered infant. Yes, it sucks that his mother was crazy and produced this eternal spoiled brat, but I don't have to deal with him anymore. I'm furious. Disgusted and way, way over him. I don't care that it's his sickness talking. I'm tired of being treated like sh#t.

[formflier]

First of all... glad you are back home.  I'm a disabled vet... .with some gastric issues... .so I empathize.

   

  I'm furious.  

You should be... .

I hope you can focus on your recovery for now.  Action on your divorce plans can wait a few weeks.

What does your immediate recovery plan look like?

FF

[Breathe066]

Actually, the physical recovery takes precedent over everything now. I am on loads of antibiotics. So, lots of rest.
I feel as though I have been held hostage for the past 18 months. I reached out to some friends over the past couple of days, not knowing what to expect. He had cut me off from everyone. I mean that in the most starkly literal terms that you can imagine that don't involve an actual cutting tool. I was allowed to have interactions with no one. Work was very difficult but somehow my codependent need to please actually pulled me through that one--I got my work done despite being stalked by my husband during the work day and having any one I mentioned stalked by him as well. Since I had abruptly dropped all my old friends, blocking them all at his insistence on "parity" after I required that he cut off the sexting relationships he'd maintained, I wasn't sure how they would react, I expected anger in some cases. I fully expected to be told to "f***off." But they have been amazing.
For a year and a half, I told no one what was happening to me, what my life had become. Gentle messages sent by concerned friends were met with silence and blocking. I was embarrassed by what I had allowed to happen. It was hard to reconcile the strong woman I was with the abuse I was allowing to be heaped upon me by the man who claimed to love me more than anyone or anything on this earth. I also kept buying into his lies about how we "just [weren't] there yet, just not secure enough yet to be socializing." He described my manifestly isolated state as a necessary but only temporary phase that we would one day overcome, but he still texted all his old friends aside from the live masturbation tools (although, let's face it, given the BPD affinity for deception, he may have continued ties with those people, too). I started realizing that my isolation was making me more and more timid and that the likelihood of us ever getting to this more secure phase he described was slim to none. I wonder what that phase would have looked like. Maybe me in box.
After he told me yesterday or the day before (the pain meds make timekeeping a bit fuzzy) to leave him alone, it was like I woke up from a coma. I was free. He had actually given me permission in a sense to leave him to his sorry fate. I haven't contacted him since. And I won't. Except for sending the divorce papers. Instead, I actually told a couple of old friends what my life has been like, not absolving myself of the responsibility of having allowed this to happen to me, I just told them. I told them about how my shopping trips were all timed by him and if I didn't get from point A to point B in X number of minutes he would have a meltdown because he believed I was cheating, how any passerby could become the object of his jealous delusions, how I couldn't even wave to the neighbors without being accused of infidelity and how, get this, I couldn't defend myself against his accusations because he swore he was "just asking questions, not accusing," but these question sessions were interrogations and as you probably know from dealing with pwBPD, it is impossible to give the right answer.
I have lived through an absolute emotional hell. My recovery is 1) Physical, 2) Rebuilding my old friendships and, when I'm physically stronger, taking up my old activities. 3) Being gentle with myself.
I still feel like crying when I think about what is likely to become of him. Such a waste. A very intelligent man who is going to drink himself to death or get killed behind the wheel or in some compromising situation or contract a disease, all because he refuses to confront the illnesses that he has in fact been diagnosed with. But he is a grown man, despite being emotionally 15, and he has made his choices despite having been with a woman who damn near snuffed it just to make him happy (which was impossible). God have mercy on him. He is no longer my responsibility.

[patientandclear]

Hi Breathe--I relate. I exited my own (not BPD but abusive/controlling) marriage in a similar frame of mind. All of a sudden I could see the slow slide into isolation, giving up things and people that meant a lot to me, trying to make it better by going yet further down that road, only to be treated horribly by the person for whom I did that.

I did what you just did: suddenly make a declaration of divorce to people close to me, explaining what had really gone on, using them as witnesses to help me not slip back.

Comments and actions like your H's about your medical procedure can be very clarifying. Bear in mind he likely will not remain in that mode especially if he gets the impression you are going or gone. You will probably encounter warmth and affection from him; it would be easier if all the communication were like his comment about your hospitalization, but of course, if it were, we probably wouldn't get this far in.

You sound very clear despite your pain meds. Strangely it probably won't always seems so clear. But the self respect is shining out from what you wrote here; I hope you can hang onto those core instincts.

[Breathe066]

Thank you, PaC. You are a seer: He changed tack and was kind, concerned, etc. I was, of course, wary. And well I should have been, because I he just sent a nasty message telling me what I should call myself (how I should sign off on emails) when communicating with him. I use a short form of my rather old-fashioned and lengthy name. He said he felt insulted that I would use that with him because "god only knows how many men" have called me by that, so he wants me to use my full name, which I have never used, when corresponding with him.
I sweetly said "of course, no big deal." But clearly, he's on the crazy train again. I am glad he has left me at the station. 

[formflier]

I sweetly said "of course, no big deal." 

Focus on yourself first... .and get recovered!  It seems like you are on that path. 

Things that are said by him in a "improper" manner... .need not be responded to.

"I'll have to think about your request after I recover... " 

FF