Anyone deal with wayward young adults?

[sanemom]

Understatement... .after years of watching way inappropriate boundaries between BPD mom and her kids, we have just found out that one of the kids is in big criminal trouble.  He told us but has not told BPDmom yet.  :)H suspects he told us because he knows we have more financial means to help, but right now, I don't see financing a criminal attorney for him.  We have spent so much money already in the family court system trying to defend ourselves against false allegations (that he was a part of) and other things that we are so done and overspent.  We did find him a free lawyer consult who advised him not to tell his mom (or anyone else).

What kind of behavior should we expect from BPD mom once she finds out?  It is just a matter of time.  :)H expects her to blame him (not because he had any part of it, but just because that is what she does).  Will she be embarrassed by her son or will she use him to play victim even more?

[Nope]

It's impossible to guess at her reaction. There are a bunch of unknowns that will impact how she reacts that have absolutely nothing to do SS or the actual situation and more to do with her and her personal struggles.

Are you and DH on the same page about the financial considerations? If you are not then my first suggestion is to have a serious talk about what you will and won't do. And you know what, I don't think at his age it's unfair to point out to him that you'd be able to offer more help if you hadn't had to spend the money fighting his attempt to frame DH for things he wasn't doing. Letting him in on the reality of unintended consequences is fair and there is a lesson in it.

The other thing to remember is that it's likely that SS came to you because deep down he is fully aware that his BPD mom has nothing to offer him. Not financial help nor any kind of stability in a storm. When she does find out his reaction to her attempts to insert herself into the situation will tell you a lot more than anything she says or does.

[sanemom]

The other thing to remember is that it's likely that SS came to you because deep down he is fully aware that his BPD mom has nothing to offer him. Not financial help nor any kind of stability in a storm. When she does find out his reaction to her attempts to insert herself into the situation will tell you a lot more than anything she says or does.

That is what I was thinking.  My husband thinks it was due to the financial, but I think there was way more to it than that. 

Yes, we are in agreement about the financial.  Complicating this more is that one of my children is the victim.  I am not going to go into detail, but you can infer what you will.  The whole house is in emotional turmoil and devastated... .the deception involved is far worse than we ever imagined with just the basic alienation deception.  This takes his completely messed up boundaries (that he has learned from BPD mom) to a whole new level.  He still has this creepy husband/wife feel to his relationship with his BPD mom as he wants to take care of her bills, and he posts about how she looks so young no one believes she is his mom (ick ick ick).  I could go on and on, but it feels even more ick now than it did before.

[Nope]

Yes, we are in agreement about the financial.  Complicating this more is that one of my children is the victim. 

Well, that certainly explains why his BPD mom will jump right to it somehow being your and DH's fault. How are you doing with all of this?

[FamilyLaw]

Sanemom, the lawyer your stepson consulted is right -- he should avoid telling anyone but his lawyer the details of the incident.  Any statements he makes can be used against him in court and you/your husband and his mom could be forced to testify against him.  It's highly unlikely, but possible.

That said, if he is facing a felony he is entitled to the assistance of a public defender if he does not have sufficient means to hire his own attorney.  If he is over 18, then the Court will look at his own income to determine whether he can afford and attorney.  You are not obligated to pay for his attorney.  And, frankly, as a private attorney I know that most Public Defenders are great attorneys who specialize in what they do and will their best for your stepson.

This seems like a great opportunity to let him grow up -- offer him emotional support but also let him know that he is an adult and can handle this.  I hope Matt is still around and can offer you some advice.  He went through this with his stepson and always seems to have good, compassionate help.

[Thunderstruck]

What kind of behavior should we expect from BPD mom once she finds out?  It is just a matter of time.  :)H expects her to blame him (not because he had any part of it, but just because that is what she does).  Will she be embarrassed by her son or will she use him to play victim even more?

I feel like it'll be denial and blaming. Like maybe "he didn't do this, DH/sibling is making it up". I wouldn't be surprised if she flipped it around and started threatening DH with some kind of legal or police action.

Oh, I *love* having a pwBPD involved in an already stressful situation ::eyeroll emoji::. They just seem to insert themselves and blow it all up so it's a million times worse.

DSS might not want to tell BPDmom because he's afraid that she won't love him anymore. His whole life seems to have been him trying to earn her love and affection (and her taking advantage of that to inflict harm on you guys).

I'm so sorry about your step kids. They all seem to have been really impacted from their mom's behaviors.

[sanemom]

I feel like it'll be denial and blaming. Like maybe "he didn't do this, DH/sibling is making it up". I wouldn't be surprised if she flipped it around and started threatening DH with some kind of legal or police action.

Oh, I *love* having a pwBPD involved in an already stressful situation ::eyeroll emoji::. They just seem to insert themselves and blow it all up so it's a million times worse.

DSS might not want to tell BPDmom because he's afraid that she won't love him anymore. His whole life seems to have been him trying to earn her love and affection (and her taking advantage of that to inflict harm on you guys).

I'm so sorry about your step kids. They all seem to have been really impacted from their mom's behaviors.

Yes, he has always wanted her love.  So sad.  Also, part of her story is being a victim of the same kind of crime he did.  Not sure if he knows that, but given her overly-open boundaries, I bet he does.

It is out of our hands at this point.  I don't trust law enforcement after what they did to our family so I am not going to be sharing info with them for them to twist and distort what I say.

The mixed emotions I have are just all over the place.