What do I do when I don't like her...

[SurvivorMom]

After nearly 7 months of hatred filled rants, bizarre accusations and being cut out of my DD 16 year olds life, I find myself dreaming of the day she took her first step, spoke her first words, and when we used to go make wishes on stars.

The alternative is I think about how hateful she is.

I have known moms whose children have died. This pain might be worst, because she is out of my life by her design and choice.

I find myself questioning whether I will EvER be able to forgive and move past her horrific hatred.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bpdmom99]

I wish I had answers for you, but I don't. I just want to say that I completely understand your pain. I am in a similar situation with my DD15 (almost 16). Out of all of the painful things that go along with dealing with the effects of her disorder, the intense feeling of grief and loss is the hardest. Some days I feel like I need to force myself to not think about her so that I can move on ... .and that feels so inherently wrong to my fundamental desire to love her unconditionally.

One thing I have learned that we are guaranteed is that, no matter what state our relationship is in now, things will change. Change is our only guarantee!  I am trying to focus on really taking care of myself in these times, and part of that includes naming the honest feelings of hurt, hate, anger ... .and grief.

I hope that reading other stories on this board helps. It has definitely kept me grounded.  You aren't alone. The pain and anger you feel is real.

I hope that things turn around for your daughter and you are able to find ways to reconnect - even if it is only for brief moments.

[Lollypop]

Hi Silvermom

7 months is a very long time and it's no wonder you're feeling the way you do. Its perfectly natural and I've done that thing of remembering my BPDs as a child, so very painful in itself but then to snap back to the present only to feel more disappointment. It's a process of grief and acceptance. Things do get better but it takes time to go through the emotions and to heal.

BPDmom gives good advice. Taking very good care of yourself and knowing that your relationship with your daughter may not always be this way.  Your daughter is trying to cope herself and for whatever reason, right now she's finding it easier this way. She loves you but she can't help the way she behaves. It's good to remember that we all are doing our very best, but we can do better.

I encourage you to keep on reading about BPD. You can use this time to help yourself, get yourself better prepared so you're ready for the time she may make contact... This will be invaluable to you and will help you with all your relationships.

Be gentle with yourself

Hugs

LP

[Romania]

I know how you feel.
A part of me daydreams of going back to that sweet child I used to know.

Sometimes  I can't imagine what happened -what kind of biological or past trauma caused this. I read case study after research paper after book after article after case study, trying to understand... .trying to wrap my mind around this.  Is she still in there after all this time?

What DID I DO to facilitate this?  Where did I have a hand in it?  Does the fault lie with me?

Those are probably all questions we have asked ourselves, maybe some of us still do.
It's ok to be angry.  It's ok to be resentful.  It's ok to be fearful you won't just get over it or something is going to happen you will carry around and be unable to let go ... .

Just try to remember her illness is not her.  The distortion is not her.  The anger/rage is not her.  They're her behaviors... .but not her.
Someone once told me that anger is fear-based; and while that can be hard to see when it's aimed at you, it all comes from her being afraid of something that we can't reach no matter how hard we wish we could.

I wish you much of everything you need.

[SurvivorMom]

Thank you Romania... .it's good to know I'm not alone/////

[Stolen]

After nearly 7 months of hatred filled rants, bizarre accusations and being cut out of my DD 16 year olds life, I find myself dreaming of the day she took her first step, spoke her first words, and when we used to go make wishes on stars.

I have known moms whose children have died. This pain might be worst, because she is out of my life by her design and choice.

I find myself questioning whether I will EvER be able to forgive and move past her horrific hatred.

Oh how I know these thoughts and feelings. My younger daughter turned 18 last week, I thought back to her being born, coming home with the cherry trees blooming, how thrilled I was.

I sent her a birthday text, tapping it out while my brain swirled in the predawn morning. Telling her I loved her,  saying I hoped I could see her, and letting her know I pray for her every day.  June will be two years since she has refused to see me at all, same with older sister (21).  I also left a voice mail, wishing her a happy birthday.  I have not received a word in response. I was not surprised, but yes, it did hurt. 

I know its not right, but I also compare my pain to the pain of parents who have lost a child, to those who have lost a spouse.  This pain never ends - there is no closure, regardless of how many times I declare it "over". My daughters wake every morning, go to school, live their lives.  The only reason I don't see them, is because I don't. They are not dead, they did not get hit by a truck.  They are only held hostage to this horrible pathology. 

The existence of this daily "hope", leads me to the recurring cycle ending in misery, knowing that the only reason they are not in my life is because they choose not to be.

Oh - I have read so much, I think every word Childress has ever posted.  I understand. I understand their mother. I understand cross-generation coalitions. I understand attachment trauma reenactment. I have diagrammed similar alienation over the prior two generations.  I am just so smart on this subject (sic).  But I am miserable.

To love a child and have them reject you, due to pathogenic parenting, due to their own disordered thinking, due to anything.  Oh, this is a very special kind of hell.

It has, and continues to, destroy me.  I would never wish this on anyone, and I wish you and others who feel it, whatever peace you can glean.

God bless you.

[bpdmom99]

To love a child and have them reject you, due to pathogenic parenting, due to their own disordered thinking, due to anything.  Oh, this is a very special kind of hell.

Thank you, Stolen.  You were able to succinctly put to words what has been on my heart for quite some time.  Grateful ... .

[Stolen]

I find myself questioning whether I will EvER be able to forgive and move past her horrific hatred.

I just wanted to touch on this statement also, since it hits so close to home.

Because the "faces" of my misery are my daughters, I battle regularly to not blame them for our situation. It is so hard when they mimic their mother's arrogant, dismissive anger and rejection.  In my case, I know it would be playing into their mother's narrative to blame them, it would define the conflict as between my daughters and me, allowing her to gaslight her way off to the weeds... .

Not knowing if alienation is at play in your individual situation(s), but even without, there is a 3rd party resident - the pathogen (BPD) itself.  Hate the pathogen, don't forgive it, whatever it takes, but please view it as distinct from your children.  It is so hard when they are the face of it, so hard... .

And along with your struggle to forgive, to "move past it", the children also have huge hurdles to ever regain their authentic selves, namely grief and guilt.   To quote Childress:

"The central feature of “parental alienation” for the children is grief and guilt, and the pathology generally would fall into the category of “disordered mourning” (Bowlby, 1980).[1]   In order for an adult child to become open to restoring a relationship with the targeted parent, the child must be willing to become open to the pain of unresolved grief and guilt.  Typically, adult children are reluctant to open the doors to their buried sadness."

https://drcraigchildressblog.com/2016/07/13/recovering-adult-children-of-alienation/


Again, this is specific to cases of alienation, but I find the grief and guilt analogy fitting in any disorder-centric estrangement.