Staying for Now

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's been a blessing to find this msg board, to read others' stories and to feel met by others dealing with love in this context. It's really tough! My partner's so damned sweet and perfect for me in so many ways, but when we fight, I swear, the pits of hell open up and swallow us whole. It's a roller coaster, and I'm part of it, I know, but I'm also sure there are ways my significant other is approaching it that are causing more pain than needed. I used to try and be the calm one, to use nonviolent communication techniques and be very patient, but, as of late, I've been quickly getting big and loud and throwing caution to the wind. I feel, selfishly, that I like I'm tired of being the good little doormat. "Why shouldn't I play their game better than they do," I tell myself, as the anger rises up from my belly to my vocal chords. I also lose hope in the relationship when we fight for more than a couple of hours and, as a result, say things that really freak my partner out. I tell 'em I want to leave, I swear at them, call them names, and say things I can hardly believe later. This is a relatively new development and it's scaring me. I'm not sure whether it's indicative of my own s#!t coming up through the fighting, or an indication that my belief in the relationship is waning, or both. It's all fairly disturbing.

I should say for the record that I'm not wholly sure whether my sweetie has BPD. I'm certain they suffer from PTSD, as they've been diagnosed and are receiving treatment, and that's tough enough as it is. I've had friends who are mental health professionals point me in the direction of BPD, though, as a further explanation for the victim posturing, black-and-white thinking and verbally violent outbursts that have become a disturbingly consistent part of my life. My relationship is fine 90% of the time, but I feel like I'm living in a house made of trap doors. There are issues that never get resolved, mainly circling around the way my partner has interacted with others in our lives. We go back and forth about once every couple weeks on whether they were justified in yelling and writing nasty emails, with my partner sure their reactions were justified by their mistreatment me feeling sure my partner's reactions added gasoline to a fire. It hurts so much, and, since I work with many of these folks, it's tearing my life apart. I'd do anything to resolve this and keep both my relationship and my work life intact.

I should also state, clearly, that I have issues of my own that I'm bringing to the table and may be suffering from aspects of BPD myself. My moods are erratic, more and more, and my 'self' is a changeable thing that shifts from situation to situation, depending on what I feel is needed to get through the day. It's hard to say - my personality is one that mirrors others around me, and I suspect that the more time I spend with my significant other, the more time I become prone to reactive habits. It may be the same on their end. I find myself fantasizing about a relationship that would have some real ground rules, like 'no blanket insults towards anyone' or 'we should stop whatever we're arguing about when either of us gets heated'. I feel constantly frustrated by what appears to me as my partner's reluctance to reflect on their actions and how they may've affected others, and on their constant insistence that all the troubles in their life have been laid at their feet by others. How can I encourage reflection without coming across as some kind of know-it-all or wanna-be therapist?

One of the toughest things about my current situation is that neither my partner or I have enough disposable income to spring for substantial therapy, and the low-cost options are, in my opinion, only so helpful. I think my partner could benefit from some intensive therapy for both body and mind, as could I, but it's tough to come by in the gov't-provided and sliding-scale spheres to which we're confined. I feel a little like I have to push my SO into therapy, but I'm grateful they're willing to go to couples' counseling. We have a new person we're going to see next week, and I'm hopeful our sessions will bear fruit. My partner has a heart of gold and, when cracked open, it pours out such beauty, but when this heart is closed, and the armor and sword are out, it's a really chilling sight to behold.

Thanks for your eyes and ears, folks. Any feedback's appreciated.

L77

[louisiana77]

It's been a blessing to find this msg board, to read others' stories and to feel met by others dealing with love in this context. It's really tough! My partner's so damned sweet and perfect for me in so many ways, but when we fight, I swear, the pits of hell open up and swallow us whole. It's a roller coaster, and I'm part of it, I know, but I'm also sure there are ways my significant other is approaching it that are causing more pain than needed. I used to try and be the calm one, to use nonviolent communication techniques and be very patient, but, as of late, I've been quickly getting big and loud and throwing caution to the wind. I feel, selfishly, that I like I'm tired of being the good little doormat. "Why shouldn't I play their game better than they do," I tell myself, as the anger rises up from my belly to my vocal chords. I also lose hope in the relationship when we fight for more than a couple of hours and, as a result, say things that really freak my partner out. I tell 'em I want to leave, I swear at them, call them names, and say things I can hardly believe later. This is a relatively new development and it's scaring me. I'm not sure whether it's indicative of my own s#!t coming up through the fighting, or an indication that my belief in the relationship is waning, or both. It's all fairly disturbing.

I should say for the record that I'm not wholly sure whether my sweetie has BPD. I'm certain they suffer from PTSD, as they've been diagnosed and are receiving treatment, and that's tough enough as it is. I've had friends who are mental health professionals point me in the direction of BPD, though, as a further explanation for the victim posturing, black-and-white thinking and verbally violent outbursts that have become a disturbingly consistent part of my life. My relationship is fine 90% of the time, but I feel like I'm living in a house made of trap doors. There are issues that never get resolved, mainly circling around the way my partner has interacted with others in our lives. We go back and forth about once every couple weeks on whether they were justified in yelling and writing nasty emails, with my partner sure their reactions were justified by their mistreatment me feeling sure my partner's reactions added gasoline to a fire. It hurts so much, and, since I work with many of these folks, it's tearing my life apart. I'd do anything to resolve this and keep both my relationship and my work life intact.

I should also state, clearly, that I have issues of my own that I'm bringing to the table and may be suffering from aspects of BPD myself. My moods are erratic, more and more, and my 'self' is a changeable thing that shifts from situation to situation, depending on what I feel is needed to get through the day. It's hard to say - my personality is one that mirrors others around me, and I suspect that the more time I spend with my significant other, the more time I become prone to reactive habits. It may be the same on their end. I find myself fantasizing about a relationship that would have some real ground rules, like 'no blanket insults towards anyone' or 'we should stop whatever we're arguing about when either of us gets heated'. I feel constantly frustrated by what appears to me as my partner's reluctance to reflect on their actions and how they may've affected others, and on their constant insistence that all the troubles in their life have been laid at their feet by others. How can I encourage reflection without coming across as some kind of know-it-all or wanna-be therapist?

One of the toughest things about my current situation is that neither my partner or I have enough disposable income to spring for substantial therapy, and the low-cost options are, in my opinion, only so helpful. I think my partner could benefit from some intensive therapy for both body and mind, as could I, but it's tough to come by in the gov't-provided and sliding-scale spheres to which we're confined. I feel a little like I have to push my SO into therapy, but I'm grateful they're willing to go to couples' counseling. We have a new person we're going to see next week, and I'm hopeful our sessions will bear fruit. My partner has a heart of gold and, when cracked open, it pours out such beauty, but when this heart is closed, and the armor and sword are out, it's a really chilling sight to behold.

Thanks for your eyes and ears, folks. Any feedback's appreciated.

L77

[Thereeldeel]

It's been a blessing to find this msg board, to read others' stories and to feel met by others dealing with love in this context. It's really tough! My partner's so damned sweet and perfect for me in so many ways, but when we fight, I swear, the pits of hell open up and swallow us whole. It's a roller coaster, and I'm part of it, I know, but I'm also sure there are ways my significant other is approaching it that are causing more pain than needed. I used to try and be the calm one, to use nonviolent communication techniques and be very patient, but, as of late, I've been quickly getting big and loud and throwing caution to the wind. I feel, selfishly, that I like I'm tired of being the good little doormat. "Why shouldn't I play their game better than they do," I tell myself, as the anger rises up from my belly to my vocal chords. I also lose hope in the relationship when we fight for more than a couple of hours and, as a result, say things that really freak my partner out. I tell 'em I want to leave, I swear at them, call them names, and say things I can hardly believe later. This is a relatively new development and it's scaring me. I'm not sure whether it's indicative of my own s#!t coming up through the fighting, or an indication that my belief in the relationship is waning, or both. It's all fairly disturbing.

I should say for the record that I'm not wholly sure whether my sweetie has BPD. I'm certain they suffer from PTSD, as they've been diagnosed and are receiving treatment, and that's tough enough as it is. I've had friends who are mental health professionals point me in the direction of BPD, though, as a further explanation for the victim posturing, black-and-white thinking and verbally violent outbursts that have become a disturbingly consistent part of my life. My relationship is fine 90% of the time, but I feel like I'm living in a house made of trap doors. There are issues that never get resolved, mainly circling around the way my partner has interacted with others in our lives. We go back and forth about once every couple weeks on whether they were justified in yelling and writing nasty emails, with my partner sure their reactions were justified by their mistreatment me feeling sure my partner's reactions added gasoline to a fire. It hurts so much, and, since I work with many of these folks, it's tearing my life apart. I'd do anything to resolve this and keep both my relationship and my work life intact.

I should also state, clearly, that I have issues of my own that I'm bringing to the table and may be suffering from aspects of BPD myself. My moods are erratic, more and more, and my 'self' is a changeable thing that shifts from situation to situation, depending on what I feel is needed to get through the day. It's hard to say - my personality is one that mirrors others around me, and I suspect that the more time I spend with my significant other, the more time I become prone to reactive habits. It may be the same on their end. I find myself fantasizing about a relationship that would have some real ground rules, like 'no blanket insults towards anyone' or 'we should stop whatever we're arguing about when either of us gets heated'. I feel constantly frustrated by what appears to me as my partner's reluctance to reflect on their actions and how they may've affected others, and on their constant insistence that all the troubles in their life have been laid at their feet by others. How can I encourage reflection without coming across as some kind of know-it-all or wanna-be therapist?

One of the toughest things about my current situation is that neither my partner or I have enough disposable income to spring for substantial therapy, and the low-cost options are, in my opinion, only so helpful. I think my partner could benefit from some intensive therapy for both body and mind, as could I, but it's tough to come by in the gov't-provided and sliding-scale spheres to which we're confined. I feel a little like I have to push my SO into therapy, but I'm grateful they're willing to go to couples' counseling. We have a new person we're going to see next week, and I'm hopeful our sessions will bear fruit. My partner has a heart of gold and, when cracked open, it pours out such beauty, but when this heart is closed, and the armor and sword are out, it's a really chilling sight to behold.

Thanks for your eyes and ears, folks. Any feedback's appreciated.

L77

This sounds like a tough situation and I'll pray you find serenity and answers.

In the mean time, take pride in your ability to recognize the way you mirror those around you. Self analysis is essential to growth.

Your job in this relationship is to know who you are, act according to YOUR own beliefs, and communicate what you need from your partner.

If your partner can listen and give you what you need then love is worth fighting for.

If you're partner is unwilling/unable to listen or attempt to fulfill your reasonable needs, then you have to choose whether you want to settle for a subpar quality of life or free yourself so that you have the opportunity to pursue other endeavors

[BeagleGirl]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It is one thing to recognize a problem and another to recognize that problem and feel that help is just out of reach.

I'm not a therapist (nor do I play on one TV ), so I won't make any guesses about whether you might have some level of BPD.  I can, however, say that I have been through many of the things you described - yelling back, threatening, name calling, and basically becoming a person I neither liked nor recognized as myself.  I finally followed through on what was becoming mere threat and left our home, got an apartment, and enforced a month of minimal contact (we have children together, so contact was limited to logistics for them).  In that month I was able to find myself again - or at least start the process.  I also realized that there was a word for what I had been experiencing - Abuse.  It's still hard for me to say that word, partially because most of our friends and my family don't recognize it as truth. 
I will never excuse my behavior as being right because of what I was experiencing, but I have come to understand that my behavior was an understandable (though not productive) response to abuse.  One book that helped me process the abuse and my response to it was "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.  Some questions you might want to ask yourself are:
Is this behavior my normal response to other difficult relationships, or has it been a pattern for me to respond this way in the past when in difficult relationships?
Do I feel capable of disengaging from conversations that are becoming heated?
Do I feel that I am allowed by my partner to disengage, or do they pursue/punish me when asked for a "time out"?
Do I have/can I create "safe" places where I can recuperate and re-evaluate those difficult times?
Do I know who I am outside of this relationship?

It's now been 2.5 months of separation and this week he revealed his BPD diagnosis as "something my counselor wants me to work on and thought I should tell you about".  I'm trying to process what my response should be, but that would have been much more difficult 2.5 months ago when I had lost sight of who I am.  Now I can be the one to make the decisions, not the hateful, hurtful person I was starting to become.

[Lucky Jim]

Nicely said, BeagleGirl.  I admire your courage and am glad to hear that you are finding yourself again.  Like you, I lost myself for a while there in my marriage to a pwBPD, which was not fun.  I became a stranger to myself and behaved in ways that are highly uncharacteristic.  Yet I was goaded and bullied by an abusive pwBPD and we all have our breaking points in extremely stressful situations.  I like to think that I did the best that I could in order to protect myself from abuse.  Yes, that is the right word for what we experienced. 

I would like to add one thing -- that it's particularly hard, as a man, to admit that one has been abused by a woman.  It's not something men talk about because it seems embarrassing.  I'm all for preventing violence against women, and applaud the attention that cause has received, yet there are plenty of us men out here who have also been victims of abuse, too.

LuckyJim

[louisiana77]

Thanks for your thoughtful replies here, everyone. I'm gonna spend some time with those questions, BeagleGirl. And congrats on the progress in your very difficult relationship.

It's so tough to identify what's happening as abuse when I'm not sure whether the person who may be abusing me is doing it on purpose, or whether they're doing it as a defense mechanism. Is it still abuse if it's meant to protect? It only comes up when they feel triggered, but when they do, look out.

My partner does so well most of the time that I can forget the "little hells" (as I've come to call them) we find ourselves in from time to time. When we're in one, though, all I want is out. That part of them that comes to the surface when they feel threatened is so frightful and repulsive to me that it's making me lose respect for them overall. Ycch. They change, almost immediately, when a they perceive a threat: their ability to see the world outside of our conflict goes away, their sense of humor, usually keen and lively, disappears and anything I say to try and bring perspective to how relatively small or even ironic our troubles are goes out the window or is interpreted as a distraction tactic. It's this lack of self-awareness that scares me most. It dovetails with a sense that my partner is no longer able to take care of themselves, and that all options, as our veep recently said, are "on the table," including the nuclear option of an unending, gut-wrenching fight that never really resolves itself.

The only option that isn't on the table (for them at least) is us being apart. According to them, our conflict isn't about us, it's about the people I work with making me hate my partner because they feel threatened or insecure. Therefore, the logic goes, we shouldn't consider separation because of other people 'trying to pull us apart'. I try to reframe and remind my partner that, if we're fighting, it's because, well, we're fighting, and no one else is in the room forcing us to. That goes nowhere but down, and soon we're in the dead end of fighting about how we fight . . .

I know many couples have these outside-influenced conflicts come up with relation to in-laws and children. My situation is not identical, but because the people I run my business with are like family to me I see it as nearly the same. What's toughest is that now these folks have now grown weary of the conflict as well. I've known them for decades and I create both my (our) livelihood and career fulfillment with them and now, they've decided my partner is not mentally well and that there's nothing they can do to resolve the conflict. What's more, they are sick of me not being able to move things towards a better place. At this point, it's not hard to imagine losing both my friendships and business relationships here. The thought of this happening sickens me, and fills me with both shame and anger, which can come through when I fight with my partner. When it overwhelms me, I start throwing this gasoline on the fire and things get dizzyingly bad for a day or two until we basically agree to let it go for awhile. We never really resolve anything, and don't feel particularly empowered to do so because resolving things would involve other people. I wanna get people talking, but I don't trust my partner to work towards any kind of a win-win. This is hard on me, and it's pushing me away from them. My partner, ever skeptical of therapy and wary of being 'outnumbered,' has refused mediation with these other folks, even though they themselves are willing. This is making me look and feel even worse than I already do. 

Does anyone reading this have experience dealing with a BPD- or PTSD-influenced conflict involving folks outside the couple? Any insights here'd be a help.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey louisiana77, It sounds like you're walking a tightrope here between your partner and the folks you work with, all of whom seem to be looking at you to find a solution.  You could say that you are in a triangle, which is a difficult place to be.  Are you familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle?  If not, it might be worth researching.  There is an article here about it and you can easily find more online.  The way out of the triangle involves moving to the center, which might be a possible solution for you.  Worth exploring.

BTW, when you say that you are "living in a house with trap doors," it suggests to me that, like most in a BPD r/s, you are walking on eggshells or, as I like to say, walking through a mine field.  If so, that might indicate that your partner has BPD, which is common for those (like my BPDxW) who have experienced PTSD.  To me, it seems like you are on the right trail in terms of figuring out the dynamics involved in your current situation.

LuckyJim

[louisiana77]

Thanks for the reference, LJ. I'll take a look.