Introducing myself

[EasternToad]

Hi folks, thought I'd say hi.  I suspect there are borderlines everywhere in my family.  None officially diagnosed, but it seems like two of my (significant) exes, one parent, one stepparent and one stepchild meet the criteria.  Sometimes I wonder if I might have some of the aroma of it, myself.  
Coming here for guidance.

[livednlearned]

Hi EasternToad,

Welcome and hello 

It's not uncommon for there to be more than one BPD sufferer in a family, sadly.

Are you step parenting a child you suspect is BPD?

What are some of the things that are challenging?

LnL

[EasternToad]

Are you step parenting a child you suspect is BPD?

What are some of the things that are challenging?

LnL

Hi LnL, funny, I was just reading a thread about your step-parenting situation.  it sounds familiar.  Thanks for sharing your experience.  It gave me some tips. 
If I have the short-form lingo right, I have a SD18 who announced last week that she is staying for a second year of Grade 12 instead of moving away to university this fall.  She was accepted to university, but she's now deferred.  And she's dropped out of a current Grade 12 course she wasn't doing well in.
This is probably a good move for her.  She isn't clear on her academic interests, and has had a bumpy academic year with lots of emotional crises. 
It's not a great move for the rest of us.  My SO and I have been living near each other for several years -- because I literally needed a physical boundary between myself (and my D15) and his daughter's behaviour. It's been a good arrangement with shared suppers and much coming and going.
My SD18 slides between aggressive and passive-aggressive behviour toward me.  She tells everyone she hates me.  Still, she lives with us full time, because she hates her mom, too.  Her Dad is her big love... .He's a gentle man who had lots of patience for her, and isn't easily ruffled by her venom or rage.
Last month SO and I (finally) bought a house together.  It's big enough for him and I and my D15.  There's just enough room (with good cheer and squeezing) for our 4 kids when they are all home at holidays. 
Oops. 
SD18 is furious with us for buying a house she can't fit into.  And I'm feeling panic and the desire to RUN NOW.  But SO and I have had an evolving conversation over the week about what our boundaries and expectations are.  Number one is that SD18 can't join us in our new house without first having a mediated conversation with us and her therapist, to talk about what living together will look like. This feels like a good place to start.
Personally I hate all this and wonder if a smarter woman would leave now.  SO and I have been married for a year, but our finances and belongings are still essentially separate.  I love him and his company.  But.  I've been in toxic relationships before, and this piece with his daughter isn't feeling good.  How did I get back into this dance again?  Do I really want another growth opportunity?

[livednlearned]

Do I really want another growth opportunity?  

Oh wow. How I understand that question.

Sometimes I want to just relax into manageable dysfunction. 

It has been an eye opener to learn that this generation of young adults does not appear to ever really move out. You are so smart to have a mediated conversation with SD18's therapist and lay some ground rules. I wish we had done something similar, or at least met with a marriage counselor months before we all moved in together. I was a step parent in my prior marriage and thought I knew the ropes, but that dress rehearsal and was no preparation for what went down last summer.

What are some of the ground rules you think are important in order for SD18 to live with you?

[EasternToad]

What are some of the ground rules you think are important in order for SD18 to live with you?

Okay... .I am feeling like I am blurting an awful lot here, for someone who is 1 day into membership on this site.  But I appreciate your combined wisdom, so I'll trust this is good.
Please let me know if I'd be better off listening and lurking, for now.  Happy to be coached.
That aside, I'm smiling as I realize that I haven't thought of the concrete details of ground rules.  My imagined conversation with SD18 and her therapist would back up even before the ground rules to "Let's be clear... .Why do you want to share living space with me if you don't like me?"  And "Convince me why I should spare living space with you?"
What's my answer to my own question?  Something like "I want to live with this girl because I want to live with her father.  And long term, this is an opportunity for us all to figure out how to enjoy each others' support and company.  If we can get this right... .our future together as a blended family will be better."
IF we all agree with that premise, then I guess I'd be ready to talk ground rules.  Though honestly I don't know what I can ask that's realistic.  A lot of my concerns feel too slippery, subjective, and hard to confirm.  And a lot of my dream-requests for improved behaviour seem too much to ask from a teenager with BPD.  Or like I'm the problem, since I can't handle a little teenage drama.  Like:
• I don't like when you sneer at something I say.  Please stop sneering.
• I don't like when you abruptly leave the dinner table because you dislike the conversation topic.  Please be more mature.
• I don't like when you announce the supper your and/or I cooked for you is 'terrible' or 'disgusting'.  Please be gracious.
• I don't like when you insult your father and ridicule him for the way he has done something.  Please don't do that.  
• I don't like when you prance around the kitchen saying "I'm so special.  I'm a princess," in a little-girl voice, until your father or I agree with you.
• I can't tolerate your rages at any of us.  Those are deal-killers.  
• I can't tolerate your scowling presence when you have decided you are having a bad day.  Or the fact you think that gives you license to yell at anything that displeases you for the rest of the day.  

Sigh.  Am I out of line, here?  This feels very vulnerable.  Guidance welcome!

[livednlearned]

You would laugh if I wrote my own list of challenging SD20 behaviors

*Please do not hug your dad while I am hugging him.

 

My SD20 is a quiet borderline, so she internalizes her rage. When her dad indulges her neediness, she regresses to toddler behaviors and SO lets that stuff slide.

For me, it's just too weird and goes along with a bunch of boundary violations (like popping up unexpected in my bathroom looking for her dad, even if he's just out of sight for 20 seconds). I have to lock the door to my bedroom when she stays with us. When she tries to come into our room at night, I tell her through the locked door that we're in for the night and she can wait until tomorrow for whatever she needs. Then she texts her dad from outside the door or from her room. 

So I understand slippery, subjective, and hard to confirm

I see where you're coming from with the question, Why come live here if you're not going to like living with me?

It's a good question.

I can't remember where I read this, but "why" questions are apparently more likely to trigger defensiveness. "How come" is supposed to be less that way.

I'm not sure if this is something that goes on with your H, but my SO has a really hard time setting boundaries with SD20. My T recommended we come in for couples counseling with a child psychologist, meaning a session with the 4 of us: two Ts and me and SO.

That was pretty eye opening. The child T started off asking us to tell him what SD20's good qualities were. Then we talked about some of the challenges and the child T offered solutions and then asked us if we could commit, and to try out one or two of these changes and come back to discuss what worked or didn't.

So what started off feeling like issues from me to SD20 turned into issues that SO had.

Anything like that in your situation?

[EasternToad]

You would laugh if I wrote my own list of challenging SD20 behaviors

So what started off feeling like issues from me to SD20 turned into issues that SO had.

Anything like that in your situation?

Yes!  A week of slow conversation with my SO about all this has made me realize that my relationship with my BPDSD18 is possibly the least important relationship in our little family triangle.  No wonder that's where the drama plays out.  It's safe to deposit messy feelings here. 

SO and I realized that he isn't a 'rock on the table' that SD18 and I are fighting over.  (His words.)  His choice to love either of us wasn't passive.  I didn't 'steal' him from her.  He chose to have a relationship with me, because he likes me. So to a large extent, the issues are his to sort out, rather than mine.

I guess I'm here anyway, posting and reading and asking questions, because I want to do my best with my part.  I have always believed the best possible process leads to best possible outcome. 

[livednlearned]

So to a large extent, the issues are his to sort out, rather than mine.

Yes, altho if your situation is like mine, you may find you have to be the emotional leader. You are here, so chances are you are doing this already 

I kept telling SO what was bothering me about SD20's behavior, and he kept agreeing it was annoying. Some stuff changed after counseling, but for a lot of it, things stayed the same.

Last winter, SD20 and I overlapped during the holidays for a week. I decided to take matters into my own hands and that somehow elevated SO's skill level. I think sometimes it's how we say things that make all the difference. ":)20, how about you stand over there while I cook. There's too many bodies in the kitchen, plus hot fire, boiling water, and sharp knives. Not a good combo." The next night, SO shooed her to the other side of the counter and said, "How about tomorrow night you and I cook. Tonight you can be the crew boss."

That probably sounds easy but for us it was a BFD. This kid is so sensitive to criticism or perceived slights, and SO has spent a lifetime walking on eggshells with a BPD mom, sister, ex wife, and now child.

Poor guy

I can totally relate.

[EasternToad]

That probably sounds easy but for us it was a BFD. This kid is so sensitive to criticism or perceived slights, and SO has spent a lifetime walking on eggshells with a BPD mom, sister, ex wife, and now child.

Poor guy

I can totally relate.

I admire your efforts.  I imagine that would take a lot of courage. And I can totally relate.  This whole experience is very challenging for me.  It's humbling to be so old and so brought-to-my-knees.