I finally decided it's time to end this - and I'm scared to death

[Household1]

After 6 years of marriage to my BPD wife, I finally decided it's time to end this.  I've been seeing a therapist and reading a lot about BPD - and it's helped me see just how chaotic and wrong things are.  We have 2 sons (5 and 3 years old), and I don't want them to watch me getting yelled at every day.  It's not what I want them to learn about what marriage is about.  When I told my wife I'm going, she screamed, cursed at me, and said all sorts of terrible things.  Now she said unless I agree to stay with her and try marriage counseling (tried and failed before), that she will take my children from me and move 10 hours away.  I decided to talk to a lawyer and we're filing the paperwork to establish a custody agreement to protect myself in case that happens.  When I told my wife about it, she was even more angry and asked "Why would you do that?" (as if I somehow crossed a line by going to the lawyer).

I asked if we an have a peaceful separation and try to co-parent.  My wife raged, and said that was a fantasy and that she won't make anything easy on me.  I'm scared for the future.  I'm scared what she is capable of.  I can't sleep and can't eat.  But I know I have to do this - because this insanity has to stop.  Not sure how in the world I am going to be productive at work!  Gotta dig deep and try.

[Panda39]

I think you need to start thinking more strategically when it comes to sharing information with your stbxw.  It's as if you make your move and then go home and share it with her looking for approval/agreement. You are telegraphing to her what you are doing. She has made it clear that she is going to fight you on divorce and custody (unfortunately very BPD behaviors).  You telling her what you are doing is telling her what she should do next.

I obviously don't know her but from what you say she says it sounds like she will escalate the conflict.  You need to protect the interests of you and your children, I suggest keeping what you are doing closer to the vest.  Also, try planning vs reacting.

For example you might want to make copies of all documents that you think you might need later... .banking information, mortgage information, kids birth certificates/social security cards, car registration, car insurance, health insurance, copies of pay stubs, home owners insurance... .anything that you think you might need going forward.  Do you have personal items that you particularly value (My SO lost a photo album that meant a lot to him during his separation/divorce) if they are small enough to move unnoticed try to move them out of the house... .

There is a book I recommend you check out that can give you an idea of what you might be up against and how to protect yourself... .

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
by Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger

I know leaving your marriage is scary and hard it is with your average couple but even more so when your spouse has BPD.     

It's funny both my SO and I developed little mantras during our divorces that we repeated to ourselves when we felt scared... .his the nerd that he is was "Boldly Go" and mine was Lyrics from a Pink song "Have you ever looked fear in the face, and just said I don't care".  Think about what your's might be it can really help you push through the tough spots.

I know other members will be by soon with more.
Hang in there,
Panda39

[Household1]

Thanks, I will get the book!  I agree - I need to stop reacting and focus more on being strategic.  What drives me the most nuts is worrying about my kids - but I have to try and not to, because it makes it hard to really think through things.

[GaGrl]

Shift your thinking from "worrying about the kids" to "doing what is best for the kids, long-term."  This will focus on the strategic plans and moves you need to make - with the help of a good lawyer who has experience with high-conflict divorce.

[ForeverDad]

I too tried to stay, I'd venture to say that's what most of us here wanted and tried to do.  But when the other spouse is fighting you and filling the home with conflict, tension and unreasonable demands, there's really only one choice... .to establish your own home where at least some of the time in the children's lives they can see what parenting should be like.  Your spouse is setting a very poor example for the kids.  They are at risk of growing up and choosing relationships like their parents.  Do you want them to see demanding aggressors or appeasing targets as normal?  Do you want them to feel comfortable as one or the other?

So as much as we fret over the current issues and how they might continue during a separation and divorce, there is no perfect stress-free answer.  Divorce is a difficult hurdle but rest assured that eventually things will get better, especially if you and your lawyer are proactive rather than merely reactive and have a variety of strategies for getting the best out of a bad situation.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

She's had several years to improve her behaviors.  Clearly you don't see any substantive improvement.  So you have no reason to expect her to change for the better.  (Yes, she could improve but all evidence to date is that she won't.  You can't make decisions based on wisps of hope.)  Hence, don't guilt yourself over all this.  And don't let her guilt you either!

[Household1]

Thank you for the support!  Strange as it is - I'm not really mad at her.  I pity her more than anything, and I have very strong feelings of guilt at the idea of leaving (and how it will impact her and the kids).  The guilt is what has kept me in the marriage for so long, and has kept me trying so hard to give her what she wants to keep the peace - but it is never enough.  When I talk to friends about it, I feel ashamed.  I tried a long time to cover up our problems and clean things up for appearances sake.  When I see healthy couples interact over issues, it depresses me and I try to block out the thoughts.  I thought I could be the best dad ever to my kids to make up for the chaos in the home.  I would have an image in my mind about how 'great' our marriage was, and all the fun things we do - but I was fooling myself.  Once - we took a trip out of town and it was full of chaos.  However - when people asked about the trip, we both only talked about the good things and pretended it was great.  Every time I feel like leaving, that image of the 'perfect family' keeps popping up in my mind, and a voice says "why would you leave such a beautiful wife and wonderful life?  Sure things aren't perfect, but nothing's perfect.  You're being too dramatic- it can't be that bad" and I start to fool myself again and block things out.  But when I tell my friends and family about the chaos - I can see it in their faces that this isn't normal.  The 1st time I told her I wanted a divorce, she went in a rage and threatened suicide, so I quickly packed up the kids and went somewhere safe for a few days until she calmed down.  We sang songs during the long car-ride and I smiled and tried to let them know everything was ok - but inside I was in anguish.  I felt an intense guilt that it was my fault for bringing up the topic.  Just typing this is bring back a lot of those difficult feelings - the desperate desire to fix everything and a hopeless frustration of not being able to fix it.

[Panda39]

I can relate to much of what you have said.  I'm on these boards because my SO has an uBPDxw but I was married 20 years to an alcoholic. 

I don't hate my ex I never did, he was a flawed person not an evil person.  I like you ignored the dysfunction and normalized it so I could cope, and rationalize what was going on.  I too thought I could protect my son from what was going on.  I will say my presence probably did help on some levels but I was not entirely successful. Today he is very anti drug and alcohol so is not modeling his dad... .but what did he learn from me? Co-dependence? And he suffers from Social Anxiety which he went to therapy to learn to cope with and now I see him push through those fears.  I'm so proud of him but wish he never had to suffer through this.  I stayed married in part out of my own co-dependence and lack of self-esteem but I also stayed because I made a commitment to my marriage. 

I would venture to say that for everyone who divorces there comes the day where you just can't do it anymore you come to an impasse or you just can't do that dysfunctional dance one more time .  I ended my marriage with no guilt. The two of us together did not work.  I didn't fail and he didn't fail we couldn't make it work together.  We each played our part.  He drank, I enabled, he yelled, I shut down, I hurt him, he hurt me... .

In terms of fixing, you can only fix, control, change yourself.  That's what I finally came to. I had been unhappy for years I was locked into the same dysfunctional dance trying to get my husband to stop drinking what I didn't realize or couldn't acknowledge was that I couldn't do that only he could do that.  I finally decided I couldn't do it anymore.  When I decided to step off the dysfunctional dance floor, I changed, the dynamic changed, everything changed!

I stopped hiding what had been going on, I discovered I had a large group of friends and family that stepped up to support me, I discovered that I was capable and I could push through fear, I discovered my self-esteem again, I found happiness.

Without me and my enabling, my ex was left to suffer the consequences of his alcoholism.  He lost his wife, majority custody of his son, his house (we had to sell it), he got his 3rd DUI, lost his driver's license, lost his retirement to pay  a lawyer, went to work smelling of alcohol and lost his job.  He hit rock bottom. He finally acknowledged he was an alcoholic, he got help, and has been sober for the last 5+ years.

My son saw that you don't have to stay in a dysfunctional relationship, and that his parents could learn and change for the better, that you create your own happiness.

My changing the situation had ripple effects that spread to all of us.  I felt trapped for years but the only thing keeping me trapped was myself.

That is just my story but the end of every relationship/marriage will have it's own ripple effects.  I think as you process the end of the relationship/marriage it becomes a letting go of one dream and taking a hold of a new dream and new goals. 

Panda39

[Inneedofhelp]

I know how hard it is! I have stayed in a marriage for way too long (17 years married, 6 years separated) because I thought it would get better and I was scared it would damage our children (8 and 12). I have let myself be abused by his BPD rages and isolated myself. He is so angry (and in denial of his probable BPD) because he thinks I have caused all of this and he isn't getting his way. I am finally filing divorce papers, and know that it will take more time to detach from him-he won't let go. I am finally out of the FOG and have been standing up for myself, and telling him I can't allow this cycle anymore.

[Household1]

Status update: It's hard to believe a year has passed since I left my wife.  What a year! 

My kids are doing great.  I hired an excellent lawyer and now have 50/50 custody.  In the custody agreement, the court also noted that my ex has to take her mental health medication in accordance with her doctor (there was a dangerous & documented history of her behavior when she went off of her BPD medication).  My oldest son started school this past year and his teacher says he's well adjusted and doing fine.  I sold my massive martial home and now live in a cozy 2 bedroom apartment; I also am paying an arm and a leg in child support and alimony.  However -  It has made me realize how little (in terms of possessions and money) I actually need and can still be very happy.  My job is going well, and I even got promoted!  I've also focused on my physical health and ran a half marathon in the fall last year.  But best of all, I am now in a healthy new relationship.  Early in the relationship, I remember how amazed I was when she asked me if I wanted a glass of water - something my ex-wife never did.  It was such a small thing, but it really made me understand what I was missing and how excited I was to be in a healthy relationship.

My ex-wife still struggles.  She would call me and rage throughout the divorce process.  I stopped taking her calls completely and now only communicate with her via text or email.  She has tried to hurt me every chances she gets; so I have to stay disciplined in how I respond to her.  I wonder how things will be in the future; but I'm more hopefully now than I was when I was in the marriage.

[ForeverDad]

We're glad your life and parenting has stabilized with the worst of the conflict hopefully behind you.  Sadly, the conflict doesn't quite end, but does become less overwhelming.  It's been 10 years since my divorce was final and 4 years since our last court fight but she still hates me for "what I did to her".  That's just the way it is.  Only 2 more years until our son ages out of the system... .when he's an adult and out of high school.

Meanwhile we keep our boundaries in place, limit most contact with Ex to parenting issues and Move On in our lives.

[Panda39]

I love this!  Yay, for you and your kids! So happy to hear how well everything is going!  You are showing your children another way... .a healthier, happier way. 

Something similar to your water story, my SO was amazed when I said thank you and appreciated the things he did for me... .same issue the ex only thought about herself.

ForeverDad is right until your kids are legal adults you will still have to negotiate some things that your ex puts in your path, in my case we have had to deal with this less and less.  Why?  Because the kids have matured, their mother has done some intolerable things and D21 is now NC and D17 is low contact. Their mother's day to day influence has been minimized by the girls themselves.

And your right a big house does not necessarily make a home... .love is what makes a home and it sounds like you have plenty of that going on.

Keep up the good work,
Panda39

[david]

If you are going to have face to face meetings/discussions/etc, if I had to do it over again, I would have a small recorder on me. My ex accused me of assault and I was arrested. I would never have been arrested if I had something to let the police hear. Recordings may not be allowed in court but it can prevent you from going to court in the first place. Also, they may be useful in a custody eval.