When is it ok to stop the battle and move on?

[NewStart]

Hey everyone,

Big day today as I have to decide to sign settlement or get on with discovery phase and move towards a trial.  It's been a brutal four months so far and my boys have not been back to our house in almost two months.  The back story is simple, my boys and I in the home for almost 13 years and my uBPD/NPDw and her children less than 3, but she is fighting tooth and nail for the house.  At this point we are maybe $20,000 apart and maybe there is more out there and maybe there is less.  We think there may be some missing bank accounts that we still don't have discovery documentation on, but we can't be sure unless we push on. 

Ok here is the big question... .and a really hard choice to make today... .do I settle, leave my home with some money, get on with living my life with my boys and start to regain my health and myself back?  Or, do I stay in the fight and risk spending thousands more in attorneys fees (not to mention the emotional expense) to maybe find $20,000 more, maybe break even, and there is even a possibility I could end up with less than the settlement amount in the end.  Also, there is an off chance that there are some co-mingled funds out there that I'd be entitled too and there's a possibility that just by pushing back she may offer to settle for more.

Right now I lean toward pulling the plug and getting out ASAP so I can get my boys back and get on with living again... .but then I question where I'm just being lazy as there would be a TON of work ahead to prepare for trial... .I just don't know as there is so much unknown risk vs reward... .

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

NS

[livednlearned]

Hi NS,

I know this stuff is tough, and not fair, and emotionally punishing. As if the choppy waters of a bad marriage were not enough, things end up in the sturm und drang of family law court. What a terrible instrument for resolving these relationships. 

What is the story you want to tell about this 5 years from now? Sitting around with your boys, as they are entering adulthood, trying to make sense of what happened.

We have kids impacted by these decisions, which makes walking away and/or staying to fight a bit more complicated. What is your sense of how the boys are feeling? They want the house, I'm willing to bet. What else might they want? Do they want their dad back? Is that more important to them?

Someone is bullying you. That is the simplest truth of all this.

It is also about resilience, and that is not dependent on whether you win or lose.

Whether you let go or stay in the ring one more round, this is about what you want it to be. Your takeaway from this story is yours to shape.

Standing up to my ex is not a decision I made, it became a necessity I felt compelled to do. You have a slightly different objective here -- in my case, I felt my son's life depended on what I did or didn't do.

I will say this, though. Learning to assert myself and stand up to my worst bully has fundamentally changed me. It also gave my son an alternative to the narrative he had been learning.

What does your gut tell you?

[NewStart]

Someone is bullying you. That is the simplest truth of all this.

This is a fact, one that I am very aware of and also just super exhausted by.  The crazy part is how good she is a doing it, those around us are oblivious and/or unwitting accomplices in her passive aggressive behaviors. 

What does your gut tell you?

That's the tough part, my gut told me a lot coming into this relationship and my gut was wrong.  I unfortunately am leaning more towards settling as I have a line on a new home, certainly nothing like the one I would be leaving, but it's in a good neighborhood close to where my boys mother lives.  But,  part of my gut also says that she's worried I will push forward and go to court because she REALLY want's the house... .am I being lazy and leaving $10-$20k+ on the table?  Maybe, but what is closure worth?

Still struggling on what choice to make and my attorney wants to hear back this morning... .

NS

[Panda39]

Once the decision on the house is made are you done?  Is there anything else to be financially decided? Is there anything else she could come after you for? Your retirement... .alimony... .anything else?  I ask because if there is more out there to work through and you don't fight here/don't hold your boundary she will learn that she can steamroll you over and over again and keep coming back to your financial well so to speak.

Panda39

[NewStart]

Once the decision on the house is made are you done?  Is there anything else to be financially decided?

Nope, it's all wrapped up with property division and finance stuff all settled... .it'd be 100% complete... .well other than me moving out and her getting me my money... .

NS

[livednlearned]

I think for many of us, it comes down to two things, which I know over simplifies. But for the sake of argument:

1. What is the leverage.
2. How to use that leverage.

I gave my ex the house and he dragged even that process out like nothing I could ever have imagined. It cost me money to give him the house, and four trips to court (mixed in with other things, but still).

Remember that you still have to walk through the steps to unload the house, if you go that route. You may need a real estate lawyer, and maybe appraisals and all that. She is BPD, so things making sense is not necessarily the end game here. Negative engagement is probably driving a lot of this, too.

So if you do decide to settle, you have leverage. Be for darn sure that you have thought through all contingencies, of all the different ways she can be the world's sorest winner. Use the leverage to motivate her to truly get this done, and use that same leverage to add contingencies in case she drags this out.

For example, maybe you agree to give her the house, with the conditions that x has to be done by day/date, and she has to pay for item x, item y, and item z in order to transfer the deed or whatnot. She will need to refinance and those costs should be absorbed by her, or she needs to be gone for a week while you and the boys move your stuff out. Make sure your house deed is in escrow with your L, and that it will not be handed over until after you have moved. At the very least, you deserve to move out without being taunted 

And if you can, try to not let her see how she is affecting you. That is her leverage, at least in her mind.

You can take that back from her. 

[livednlearned]

Also, if you need more time to work out the details of the settlement, then do not let others rush you.

This is BPD land.

Working out the details can make all the difference to how this wraps up.

"I plan to settle. However, I want to carefully consider how that plays out in our settlement agreement. In particular, I will want a timeline that we both agree to, and an agreement about who covers costs."

Then take as much time as you need, if you can.

You want to be sure that if you give her the house, that this thing really does bring you to the end.

I kick myself for giving away the house with so few contingencies. I had to ride out custody stuff, but those extra trips to court ($$$) to deal with the house I gave away were pretty sobering.