Stepdaughter BPD? Now pregnant

[Unipas987]

Hello it's my first post so please forgive me if it's a bit of a ramble. I am step mum to a 19 and 20 year old have been in their lives since they were 13 and 14 both daughters lived with my now husband. By the sounds of it their own mum has BPD traits and left them with their dad after years of selfish behaviour and affairs etc. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is now 9. Me and my daughter moved in with my now husband 4 years ago it was an adjustment for all of us especially as youngest daughter was preganant she went on to have beautiful baby, they moved out when baby was almost a year old and although some of her decisions haven't been the best and she often makes selfish decisions and we help out a lot with now 3 year old she has managed well. The older daughter on the other hand can do no wrong in dads eyes, she made things very hard when we first moved in including violent rants and threats to both me and her pregnant younger sister and my young daughter. She would put the tears on to her dad and say how horrible I was to her and how depressed she was getting picked on at school etc. To be honest I believed it for a while, she left school with no qualifications despite being very clever and would sit around doing nothing leaving a mess behind her she would never clean up after herself, I cleaned her room and did all her cooking washing etc only for her to whenever she wanted something from her dad say how horrible I was. I worked full time and so was not at home unless husband was also there and explained till I was blue in the face how I was not horrible to her I occasionally asked her to put dishes in dishwasher or to maybe not eat something I was planning on using for a meal etc but it got to the point of not even saying anything. She went on like this tried college and various jobs none lasted longer than a week as she would say people were picking on her or come up with crazy lies as to why she left etc. Her dad did about 1 year ago say she had to try and do something education or a job, she decided to go to the council and say she was fleeing an abusive home and got a council flat! She told her sister and rest of family she was thrown out! Not true! So she moved in to council flat with her boyfriend he works so she hadn't put in down as legally being there so she gets rent paid and pays no council tax and lives on benefits. She managed to con a couple of hundred pounds out of us when she was moving out as she said she needed furniture etc, we later found out as she said she was fleeing violence she was given furniture and white goods from council and used the money to get 2 dogs. We said we thought she should try and manage a flat before dogs etc! But no she wanted them! She barely talks to us unless she wants something and even then she calls her dad and says how depressed she is or her boyfriend is abusing her or she is really ill up at a&e etc no of which true. So was worried as debt letters were coming to the house for her, her dad ignored it and then I saw her name on court list to get her out of flat for unpaid rent and antisocial behaviour after a bit of digging I found out that the dogs were creating a mess, flat smelt and smell of dogs using flat as a toilet and her never cleaning, so I went round to her flat it was bad! I said we could help with rent but she had to take it as a wake up call, get a job look after the flat and either look after the dogs properly or get them rehomed! We paid the outstanding debt, about £800 which we struggled to afford, I am currently doing my mental health nurses training (ironic) and so already struggling to manage we also cleaned up whole flat. Now another 4 months have passed she still has no job, flat back to same horrible state and she has just announced she is pregnant! I am so worried for this baby, don't think she can cope looking after herself just nowhere said that she should look at getting the dogs rehomed, even found a beautiful farm for them to go to but no she wants to keep the dogs and the baby, she is convinced that she will get a bigger house from council, her boyfriend has said he is not ready and doesn't think his wages will cover them financially And he wants her to have an abortion  but had said he will stand by her. She has said she wants dog and baby and that is that! Her dad keeps getting angry at me for worrying and said he wishes I would just shut up and realise it's got nothing to do with me, the thing is it will. I look after our other grandchild a lot and had ageeed that we would have him if our other daughter was struggling. She had pulled it together and so I was in a place to start my training I am now a year into my 3 year training and also working bank shifts whenever I can and also have my 9 year old to be a mum too, the thought of us having to take on this child as she can't cope and won't be able to look after it is scaring the hell out of me but I also know I wouldn't be able to walk away. She is so lazy and selfish, she won't clean and sleeps all day. Also the constant support and attention needed by stepdaughter is such a Strain she has been pregnant all of 1 week and we have had 2 trips to maternity dept as she was having really bad pain and calls every night as she things her hormones are all over the place and she is really struggling! Dad doesn't see that he enables all of this behaviour. I know I took this on when I married him but I'm in my early 30s and I know it's selfish but I am a mum to a 9 year old and I am not sure how I am going to manage the stress of the next few months with her or the next few years of worry about a baby I honestly don't think she will be able to look after. Sorry for the ramble just so confused and worried!

[livednlearned]

Hi Unipas987,

You have your hands full! I can relate to parts of your story so well: blending a family with a BPD child, and also going to school while raising a child. Both of those are a handful, not to mention you have some grand babies in the picture.

This caught my attention:

Her dad keeps getting angry at me for worrying and said he wishes I would just shut up and realise it's got nothing to do with me, the thing is it will.

There is a concept called triangulation that might help.

I have found (being in the step role) that first priority is my own self care. You have school to focus on and your D9, those two priorities come first. Everything else must come second, as uncomfortable as it may feel.

Don't let BPD daughter's problems become your problems. Your H is telling you it's his problem, so as much as possible, let it be his to solve.

After self-care comes radical acceptance and rock solid boundaries. I can see how it will be hard to care for one grand child, and not the other. See if you can sort through what works with the one grand child, why that caregiving is acceptable. Does that step daughter give you sufficient time, does she seem grateful, is the routine consistent, etc. Then think about how you can apply those boundaries to your other SD and (I know it's hard) hold her to those boundaries. If she cannot ask in a polite way, then no care giving.

All of this is much easier if you have a supportive spouse. Maybe he is stressed by the situation and can't articulate it that way, and it's the stress that is showing up in his words and actions. It's also possible that he wants it both ways -- not letting you get involved but wanting you to absorb all the conflict.

In any relationship with a BPD sufferer, you have to have strong boundaries so that you are not caught in the undertow. This is even more true when it's a step child, in my experience.

Last summer, I kept waiting for my SO to fix things with his uBPD D20. I feel fairly skilled at communicating in healthy ways, even so, it mainly made him miserable and not a whole lot changed. It wasn't until last winter when I started to assert boundaries directly (and skillfully) that SO stepped up and started to carry his load. I think it's because he knows deep down that the weak boundaries were inappropriate and unhealthy. I think he also got jiggled out of his usual role when I stopped talking about the problem and started taking care of myself directly. He had no one to push against and found that the challenges were ending up in his lap, not mine.

Glad you found the site 

You are not alone.

LnL

[Unipas987]

Thank you so much for you really supportive and detailed reply! I think I do need to be a bit stronger when it comes to boundaries and what I will and won't be doing. I do find it difficult, as I do do love her as if she were my own, and don't want her to be having to deal with the things she is going to face. I am really glad I found this site too think I might need it more I. The months ahead. Thank you so much for making me feel so welcome, glad to know I'm not alone!