Anger

[GraceFlows]

Hi All,

My name is "GraceFlows". (because I need God's grace!)
Just struggling in dealing with the way my husband's mom treats him. She is full of false accusations and blaming him, never taking responsibility for herself. He talks to her nearly every day--as she expects him to "check in on her". She lives alone and has physical health isssues, which I understand her wanting a call from time to time, but I feel she expects way too much from her grown, 43 yr old son! He goes above and beyond for her, yet she still criticizes him (and me also) like its never enough or he didn't do it to her specifications.  (damned if you do, damned if you dont)
My husband is overly patient with her, which is good, but I feel she just treats him like a doormat. His boundaries could be better with her though he handles it probably better than I, but I know it gets to him eventually.
I want to be a support and encouragment to my husband but sometimes all I can do is get angry, for the way she ties him up on the phone for an hour or two almost every night, not respecting his time or his relationship with me, while she does everything to push his buttons. I tell him to get off the phone and not talk to her when she is like that. Or to not even answer the phone at all when he knows she has been in one of her moods, because the conversation goes nowhere and just leaves everyone frustrated and with high blood pressure. She also tries to intrude on our personal life, but that's another story for another day... .
Any advice would be appreciated on how I can perhaps control my anger and better support my husband. Thanks!

[Kwamina]

Hi GraceFlows

I am sorry to hear the situation with your MIL is so difficult. Based on what you've shared I can definitely understand why you are struggling with this.

I want to be a support and encouragment to my husband but sometimes all I can do is get angry, for the way she ties him up on the phone for an hour or two almost every night, not respecting his time or his relationship with me, while she does everything to push his buttons. I tell him to get off the phone and not talk to her when she is like that. Or to not even answer the phone at all when he knows she has been in one of her moods, because the conversation goes nowhere and just leaves everyone frustrated and with high blood pressure. She also tries to intrude on our personal life, but that's another story for another day... .

Your MIL's behavior is difficult and unpleasant but what I also clearly see here is your husband's problems with boundaries. You also mention his boundaries could be better and I agree with that assessment. Would you generally say your husband is good at setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with people? Not just with his mother but with people in general?

Would you say your husband lets himself be treated this way by his mother out of fear, obligation and/or guilt? Here is an excerpt from our article about this topic:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

You can read more about FOG here:
Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

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