Texting does not help to get a clear understanding in a chaotic r/s

[Octy]

Communication is an underlying problem in a BPD r/s. If they feel "something" they can feel slighted and go into fact mode on their side. A ton of things can be hidden without a tone of voice,  or where you are(accusations of cheating), or they are(eventually I found out my ex BPD was actually cheating)etc. while texting.
Im posting this here because its were I belong(detaching) yet I believe this could be good advice either in the "in"  or "conflicted" boards. I read an opinion as to not text so much in a BPD r/s that I had myself in general about communication before this r/s that I never stuck to. Ive never really liked text or email due to the lack of inflection. I feel that as my ex was younger I fell into the trap of conversating through text. This led to conflicts of misunderstanding many times. If there was lying or cheating in your relationship think of the possibilities this kept available. I explained that I preferred phone conversations in the beginning but they seemed to never became available so it turned into a mostly texting relationship when we were not together. I wish I had kept my ground and texted much smaller communication until she could call. Does this seem common? Does it seem to make sense that calls would have been preferable even if quick? Towards the end of th r/s the anxiety could have been lessened through clearer communication by phone in my view.

[marti644]

Hi Octy,

Great post. I had similar problems in the relationship concerning texting. To the point after a big fight over text that came out of nowhere (I hadn't texted her for two hours while at work and she exploded), we tried to make some ground rules about not fighting over text and talking on the phone or waiting in person. It never worked for us, mostly because she would not follow that rule and I wasn't strong enough to enforce the 'no fighting over text policy'. Texting and social media was a big problem in our relationship as she was obsessive over where I was and what I was doing all day. Post-relationship I am much less interested in these things, as they became toxic parts of our relationship.

The torrents of nasty texts was the worst part at the end, I've had to delete them because of how painful they made me feel just to have them on my phone.
But to answer your question I think direct communication would have been much healthier.

Honestly though, my BPD-ex wasn't interested in following the rules we made, only blaming me when she didn't follow them (projecting).

It didn't really make sense and I am not sure what I could of done differently except give her more space/distance as I did when she got more chaotic and nasty. Given that I didn't know about BPD I didn't know she would have abandonment issues (I was thinking that it would give her time to get herself stable) so that didn't end up leading to anything except a discard anyways. Best thing I could have done when she started acting like this was leave, its not healthy and I shouldn't have stayed as long as I did.

[schwing]

I don't think it makes a huge difference whether we avoid texting or not.

My understanding is that people with BPD (pwBPD) will "misinterpret" whatever kind of communication you have with them when their disordered emotions cause them to think and interpret in a distorted manner.  I think when you communicate with them in-person, then they are less likely to perceive (imagined) abandonment (after all, you're there with them).  But when you are not in-person, and they have a wave of anxiety associated with (imagined) abandonment, it doesn't matter how you communicate with them.  They are going to want to vent their emotional anxiety/fear.

This is why one of the biggest tools for improving a BPD relationship is validating your disordered partner's emotions; not "agreeing" with why they think they are feeling with what they are feeling -- just accepting their disordered emotion is a "real" emotion.  Eventually we might come to accept that their feelings have more to do with their disorder than anything in the relationship.  

And also do not JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.  PwBPD are going to feel what they feel because of their disorder.  I think one of our goals is to disconnect our own behaviors from their predictable behaviors.  As much as they want to blame us for their disordered feelings and as much as they need to believe that we are the cause of their disordered feelings, it is better if we do not justify, argue, defend or explain our behavior.   We cannot "convince" them that it was not our intention to make them feel the way they do any more than we can "convince" them no longer to have borderline personality disorder.

[Inneedofhelp]

I agree that the texting or phone calls or email (or even in person) method of communication is not at issue-it is the distorted feelings of the pwBPD that is the cause. I have been 1 sentence into a phone call with my husband (separated) and he will say how dare I been so cold (or fill in the blank). I am in disbelief and have spent way too much time trying to convince him (the JADE part) that my intentions were neutral or positive. I know it doesn't matter what I say-his feelings are valid to him (but not based in reality). I am pretty new to all of this, so I am learning lots of what Schwing stated-I just don't see any improvement-actually increase in anger and rage from husband which is what has finally led me toward divorce after 6 years of trying, separation and dysfunction.

[lovenature]

PWBPD typically love texting because it doesn't have the same emotional presence as speaking, they have time to think about their response, and they get their fear of abandonment soothed.

Any communication method is a problem unless the PWBPD is getting the right help and their partner is using tools to manage the relationship.

[enlighten me]

My exgf would rather talk than text or email in the beginning. Once devaluation occurred text was all I got.

[Octy]

I feel in a text or email format its hard to know when a conversation ends(or starts as new). This can happen anyway during this type of communication. It just seemed to feel like it never rapped up an idea or exchange like a verbal conversation might. The lack of logic and insinuations were not helped by reading communication(maybe in there case projection and reading between the lines).

[g2outfitter]

Texting was always better for us... .that way she couldn't deny what she said and she couldn't gaslight.  Plus, it was a lot easier to keep your cool when texting instead of arguing if there was a conflict.

But it didn't matter in the end... .nothing mattered.

[Duped 1]

Texting was an issue for us. She wanted to talk more but I felt like she wanted me to be on the phone with her constantly as I did have a life and other things to do. I had to call on the way to work, on the way home, and text often throughout the day. It was too much and if I was really busy or didn't call on time she would get very upset

[bus boy]

Hi octy, in my experience ther is no such thing as clear communication with a personality disordered person, by text, in person or by phone call. In my case I prefer text for a written record. If I give Xw the chance to speak on the phone or in person it turns into an emotionally abusive episode and a conversation that makes no sence, going in circles ment to belittle and keep my off balance so for my own contentment I choose no communication. It's easier to get milk out of a dry cow than it is to sence out of a personality disordered person.

[In a bad way]

When I first started seeing her I rang her loads and we talked for hours, she told me she loved it and her ex didn't ring her he only texted her.
However she didn't ring me much it was mainly texts from her.

The more time I spent at her house I noticed that her main form of communication with her kids was them texting each other constantly even though they were in the same house, she would text them to say keep the noise down or to ask them if they wanted a takeaway. The list goes on.
They would be texting her every 2 minutes asking for money or because they can't find their socks, again the list goes on.
An hour TV programme would take 2 hours to watch because I had to keep pausing it while she text them or answered their texts.

She also wrote them letters and left them in the kitchen telling them that they had to show her and us more respect and other problems.
Them sitting down and having a proper conversation was very rare.

This is how I ended up using text as a way to try to get through to her because she wasn't capable of a proper conversation without her turning it into an argument.
The problem then was I could send her a long heartfelt text during the day and I would get one back which just said OK.
Or I would get one back hours later asking me what I was cooking tonight, I very rarely got an answer.

[Beacher]

I resorted to texting because my uBPD would never let me get a word in edgewise and ended up screaming. Also denied things he said but as someone posted, in the end it just didn't matter.  But it was the only calm way we could communicate and give me a chance to actually reply. I guess was hoping he would re read it when he was calmer. We still need to communicate and it's very difficult. He has alienated everyone in his life and is completely alone so must see me as a target for his fury. His unhappiness is always someone or something s fault. I tried to say ' I can't listen to you when... ' and all he heard was the' cant listen to you' part and went off the wall so quickly hung up. This was followed by a nasty email and threats of legal action. I'm stumped. I try so hard to choose my words carefully so not to trigger him. I fail miserably.

[Portent]

They will frequently misinterpret texts because they can put any kind of voice and inflection on it they want. But face to face isn't much better. Studies have shown that pwBPD are great at reading faces for subtle emotional ques. The problem is that they are not good at detecting no emotion. They will misinterpret emotionless faces as anger.

When I was fighting with my BPDex and was being a little cruel I developed a habit of smiling as I argued with her. Now I know why this angered her so much.

[vortex of confusion]

I think that there reaches a point where the relationship becomes so toxic that there is a communication break down and it doesn't matter whether communication occurs in person, via text, or on the phone.

Towards the end and even now, I prefer to communicate with ex via text because that allows me to actually get a word in edgewise. And, it allows me to read the conversation, which helps me to not get sucked into a circular conversation. In person or on the phone, it becomes too easy for ex to change the subject, talk incessantly, or get me confused. I found it very helpful to be able to follow the conversation in text. That allowed me to respond more thoughtfully and keep the conversation on track. It was way too easy to forget what the heck was being said if I tried to talk to him on the phone. And, in person, I am a bit of a push over. Hiding behind my phone makes it easier for me to assert boundaries with ex. Having him assume a mean tone works to my benefit in some cases.

[AustenJ]

for the most part, we only texted as I was married early in the relationship. She did not like to talk to people in general, not even to order a pizza, so she was always way more comfortable with texting. I digress, but early in the relationship she loved sexting also, but that died off as the devaluation phase kicked in... .it was so subtle at first. Just looking at a text conversation exposed many irregularities also; my texts had a tendency to ramble where her texts were often one word or a short phrase... .which I hated since I was a talker about my feelings, and she was not.

The really hurtful part was when she was trolling for replacements; she would place her phone upside down so I could not see who was texting her or she would turn off her notifications... .on the rare text I did see from some random guy, she always had an excuse... .

[Beacher]

Wow portent I so relate to the facial expressions. He would look for any change in my face and go ballistic. I would sit stone faced during couples therapy while he just talked and talked and it ended up being an hour debate between he and the therapist, and the second I looked surprised or upset he would go crazy and say I was passive aggressive. He lived for getting a reaction from me.

[Idsrvt2]

Same here, texting is what caused every break up by him. I told him please never text me as it just creates a pattern for me to use texting to communicate and it's something I'm working on from my past.
Almost every morning he would text something nice usually... .that wasn't needed as he usually would show up at my house during his deliveries, 
He saw every text of mine as mean and abusive and would re read them to make himself feel bad. 

Texting him is what in the end got him to get a false protection order on me, he would often say don't put things in writing. 

Mine also claimed he couldn't hear certain tones and frequencies on the phone so he put together pieces of what he heard... .it always seemed to revert to texting.

I often wished I could turn off texting on my phone as in the end he used that against me.
I would often text him after he left because he would leave so abruptly and just goto sleep with no care that I was upset.  Then the next day instead of talking it out he would dump me.   
If I had to do it all over again I would never have texted

Communication is an underlying problem in a BPD r/s. If they feel "something" they can feel slighted and go into fact mode on their side. A ton of things can be hidden without a tone of voice,  or where you are(accusations of cheating), or they are(eventually I found out my ex BPD was actually cheating)etc. while texting.
Im posting this here because its were I belong(detaching) yet I believe this could be good advice either in the "in"  or "conflicted" boards. I read an opinion as to not text so much in a BPD r/s that I had myself in general about communication before this r/s that I never stuck to. Ive never really liked text or email due to the lack of inflection. I feel that as my ex was younger I fell into the trap of conversating through text. This led to conflicts of misunderstanding many times. If there was lying or cheating in your relationship think of the possibilities this kept available. I explained that I preferred phone conversations in the beginning but they seemed to never became available so it turned into a mostly texting relationship when we were not together. I wish I had kept my ground and texted much smaller communication until she could call. Does this seem common? Does it seem to make sense that calls would have been preferable even if quick? Towards the end of th r/s the anxiety could have been lessened through clearer communication by phone in my view.

[RomanticFool]

My entire relationship was based on texting since we were both married.  Before I knew about BPD I could never understand why I got very short replies and why she was so distant and controlled about sending them. She told me she never liked texting but the phone calls were few and far between. I played out my own abandonment issues in these texts and they were full of anger and rage at her unavailability. Hers were full of passive aggression and she withheld communication constantly, often going to bed and not replying. This would drive me nuts. Looking back my r/s was a farce from start to finish. I am the one that imbued it with hope and desire for a future. For her I was somebody outside of her marriage who gave her narcissistic supply and made her feel good about her image dysmorphia. Although beautiful she thought herself to be ugly. As soon as I stopped doting on her and demanded love and affection she would withdraw. Forget texting, I would never involve myself with a BPD again. It hurts too much.