Requesting some perspective and advice - Boundaries with BPD husband and FOO

[BeagleGirl]

A bit of background on the dynamics between my FOO and husband with BPD - my FOO has plenty of its own issues, but was like the Cleavers compared to my in-laws, where my MIL is diagnosed bipolar and has been verbally abusive and hit my SIL twice when I was in highschool and advised my then boyfriend to call CPS on her.  My FIL had a mechanic's business with his dad and stayed away from the house as much as possible, taking my husband with him once he was in his pre-teen years.  Once my husband and I started dating (I was 14, he was 15), my family became his family.  That was 27 years ago.

My parents love my husband and I have sometimes teased that if they had to choose, they'd keep him.  Well, now it feels like they are choosing, and they are keeping him. There is a lot of background in 27 years, so I won't try and summarize it but would welcome questions that might provide clarity. 

To sum up the current situation, my parents have not been very supportive of the separation because they feel I need to just love him more.  When shown the tip of the iceberg of the pain I have kept hidden from them, their response was "but you are strong".  It took me over a month to tell them I had gone through with the separation I had been contemplating when the "you are strong" comment was made, and since then my dad has barely talked to me (never mentioning the separation other than a text that he was praying that God would show me the right thing to do) and my mom always asks "how are you and ___ doing?"  Never "how are you doing". 

So the thing that finally got my dad talking to me again was that he has been going through testing to diagnose or rule out lupus (I'm the smart one, as well as the strong one) and he wanted to run some of the tests by me.  So I shouldn't have been blindsided when my husband stopped me as I was leaving the house last night after dropping our sons off to tell me that he had been talking to my dad and the doctors have come up with a definite diagnosis of lupus.

Right now I hurt on so many levels.  I'm dealing with another diagnosis that says my dad is slipping away from me (he already has end stage liver disease).  I'm dealing with the fact that my parents chose to tell my husband before me (they still haven't told me).  I'm dealing with the fact that my husband felt that it was appropriate to be the one to tell me about the diagnosis.  I'm dealing with the idea (this is where I could use some perspective) that he didn't bother to think about how I would feel about him being the one to give me the news when we are basically only communicating about logistics for care of our children.  I'm dealing with the fear that there is something really wrong with me that justifies my parents feeling closer to my husband than me.  I'm dealing with the question of whether I just let this go or if it's time to set some boundaries with my parents and/or husband around direct communication.  This is where the advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,
BeagleGirl

[formflier]

   


I'm sure you would agree, this is complicated stuff.  It can be tough to sort out what issues are legitimately connected and which are not.

It is for this reason that I have reversed the order of the quotes and put this first.

Right now I hurt on so many levels. 

And, would it be accurate to say you have several different sources of hurt?  It is easy to conflate them.  It will take determination and deliberate use of boundaries to separate these things into "their own buckets. 

Try to deal with only one bucket at a time.

"how are you and ___ doing?"  Never "how are you doing". 
 

I think you are going to need to let this one go.  Likely a place where boundaries apply both ways.  You stay in your lane... .other family stays in theirs.

Nobody is wrong... .understand all are hurting. 

here is your answer.

"Well, it's a difficult time and I would appreciate your prayers for healing in our marriage.  Thanks for your concern"

"Now... .I think you were going to show me the picture album you made... ."

Bottom line:  Your family is a source of refuge and emotional support... .someone that can say they care about you and will give you a hug.

Don't confuse that with people that will agree with your decisions.  I would limit explanations and efforts to "sway" opinions.  I don't see any healing in that.

Regardless of the outcome of your r/s... .I would think there is lots of healing to be done.

Thoughts?

FF

[formflier]

Not sure how much of my story you know.  But I have stepped away from any relationship with my wife's FOO.  

My life is much better, they have pretty much stopped trying to bring me back in, and I have not tried to influence any of my children or other people to change their views at all.

From time to time I will encourage my wife to do something with them... .perhaps encourage is a strong word, but I might say there are times it would work to have them over, when I have other things to do.

Everyone gets to form their own opinions.  I don't allow others to manipulate me and I apply the same boundary to myself... .I don't manipulate others.

Last thought:  I should have done this sooner.  

FF

[Lucky Jim]

I'm dealing with the fear that there is something really wrong with me that justifies my parents feeling closer to my husband than me.

Hey BG, No, I doubt there's anything wrong with you.  Don't beat yourself up!  Those on the outside have no conception of what it's like on the inside of a marriage to a pwBPD.  Chances are your parents have never heard of BPD.  I'm sorry that you had to learn about your Dad's diagnosis second-hand, from your spouse, which sounds like it was painful for you.  Why not let your father know that you care a lot about him and in the future would appreciate hearing directly from him about medical issues?  I would say that, in general, those w/BPD have little empathy for how their behavior might impact those closest to them, so it seems unlikely that your H would have given thought to how you might feel hearing the news from him.  Just the way it is with BPD.

LuckyJim

[DearHusband]

Is it accurate? What I mean by that is, are you sure your husband told you the truth?

I'd tell my father that I had heard about the diagnosis and wanted to know if it was true.

Then I'd offer sympathy.

Finally, I'd ask why he was concerned about telling me.

So many unknowns right now that it's easy to jump to conclusions.

Good luck.

[BeagleGirl]

Thank you all for the perspective and advice. 

I threw a big pity party yesterday and invited a trusted friend (and you readers).  It was "fun" while it lasted.   

I think I'm realizing that there is more brokenness in my FOO than I have been ready to deal with.  For now, I am focusing on my most immediate relationships.
Me and God
Me and S13
Me and S18
Me and Friends
Me and Husband
Me and FOO

When I look at that list, I realize that I probably won't have much emotional energy left to expend on FOO for a while, so I am going to create as much space as is reasonable during this time to minimize hurt.  FYI, I plan to rearrange that ranking if/when this separation ends, but for now that is where my priorities lie.

[Grey Kitty]

When I look at that list, I realize that I probably won't have much emotional energy left to expend on FOO for a while, so I am going to create as much space as is reasonable during this time to minimize hurt.

One thing to try with your FOO (as individuals, not as a group!) when you are in contact is to tell them "I love you, and I need your support. Please try to support me by ______"

And one thing here might be asking them to give you space while you try to figure out how to deal with your marriage, rather than judging you/blaming you/etc.