Not Sure

[Mikaila]

Hi,
I"m new. I have a 25yr old daughter who I believe to be a high functioning BPD or has the traits.  Most of the time I forget because things are usually going great! Then suddenly they are not. Its like being on a rollercoaster but for most of the time a slow moving one until something triggers her and then things speed up.  Sometimes I can diffuse a situation by reading the signs from her behaviour and sometimes I fail to notice the signs and this is when situations can become rapidly out of control.  I separated from her father  7 years ago and divorced 4 years ago.  The exhusband is NPD.  I have a son also, he is 28 yrs.  Neither child lived with me after the separation, they both chose to live with their father. My daughter now lives with her bf and my son continues to live with his father.   It took a few years to get my relationship with my son and daughter back on track. I struggle with boundaries with my daughter and she is adept at scaling or knocking them down completely.  I'm here hoping to gain more understanding in how to have a better relationship with her. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there Mikaila

Welcome to the forum and I'm very glad to meet you. BPD is just devastating to families and I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. .

My BPDs26 lives at home with us. We've been working very hard at improving our relationship and we're in a very different place than we were 12 months ago. This forum has been our life saviour as I've learnt better communication and validation skills. We're exploring a way forwards trying to balance emotional support versus over reliance on us.

I encourage you to take a look at the top right hand bars in this page. Also to post and others can share their experiences; we learn from each other.

Is your daughter in treatment?

LP

[Mikaila]

Hi LP,

No my daughter is not in therapy.  To the best of my knowledge she has not been formally diagnosed. About 5 years ago she was referred to a psychologist by a GP and my daughter saw the GP write on  the referral "Borderline Personality Disorder?"  My daughter also had an episode of self harming where she put a handfull of antidepressants into her mouth in front of me.  I was able to get her to spit them out.  I rang the hospital to get some help but my daughter refused to go to the hospital, however a person from the mental health team (at the hospital) did talk to my daughter on the phone.  I believe she was then placed on a contact list to be contacted by phone every 24 hours by a mental health team worker from the hospital.  When I spoke to the hospital after this incident I was advised to read books all pertaining to BPD.  I asked the hospital mental health team worker if my daughter did in fact have BPD and was told 'it would be unfair to her to label her'.  Since that time my daughter has had no self harm incidents.  Here Medicare will cover the cost of 10 visits with a psychologist per year.  My daughter did this for the first year (5years ago) and then dropped out of therapy.

[Lollypop]

Hi there mikaila

I'm sorry to hear that your daughter has chosen not to do therapy. My BPDs26 has only recently decided to seek help, it's very early days and it's fragile; very likely that he won't engage or even make an appointment. It's incredibly frustrating and I can see that until his life becomes very uncomfortable he won't be motivated to change.

You've mentioned that you've boundaries and that your daughter knocks them down.  What kind of boundaries do you have, can you give an example?

I decided to try and improve my relationship with my BPDs when he was 24, just following diagnosis.  I made it my key goal. I started with limited communication skills but found using a warm and loving approach really helped me while I worked on my skillset. Our BPDs want to know they're loved, not judged and understood. Have you read up on BPD? Effective communication and validitation  are very very helpful.

LP

[Mikaila]

Hi LP

I feel that my daughter does not believe she has a problem, I feel that she thinks the problem is me.  She is high functioning and is able to behave and interact with others (non loved ones) differently and on a level that is acceptable and quite normal in the different relationships that she has, for example friends and workplace.

I feel your frustration with your son , I agree that change will not happen unless motivation happens to create the change.

I set boundaries with my daughter by letting her know that her behaviour causes me stress and I need time out. I validate her feelings by telling her I love her and will never abandon her.  By stating this it seems to diffuse the situation.  I have boundaries in place where I will ask her to leave my home when she rapidly spirals into a rage. I reinforce this by telling her it is my home and my right to feel safe in my home. I value a peaceful and quiet life for myself, this is what I want and I tell her this.  One piece of advice I was given from the hospital mental health team was to remove myself immediately from a situation where my daughter was going into a rage, well that can be hard because sometimes that happens when my daughter comes to my home. 

I find that validation of feelings works well with her combined with telling her I love her and will not abandon.  Something triggers her, and at the moment I think it's stress from starting a new job.  I can see the buildup, it can take weeks and then it's like an explosion and she is on the attack - at me!  Interestingly I can see when an attack is imminent as her eyes change colour - from blue to gray! I can literally see the storm clouds!  I can see in her attitude and behaviour there is a huge storm about to erupt and also I have seen her manage to control the storm herself.  I'm not always 100% she can do this because of what I say or that she is aware she is about to explode and manages to control her emotions.  I love her dearly and it is painful to watch this inner turmoil and the struggle she has.  I have read literature on BPD but sometimes I feel like I need refreshing what I know and have read.  The  behaviour can come either from a trigger or just out of the blue for no reason that I can see.  I know my daughter sees and interprets things differently to how I do and sometimes its exhausting trying to always be aware of things that may upset her! Just like the book 'Walking On Eggshells' !  I know it will be a lifelong journey

[Lollypop]

Hi M

You're so right; reading and retracing BPD is an excellent way to stay focussed. I've found regularly posting over the last 16 months has been immensely helpful to me.

You sound like an amazing mum who really cares. We can only change ourselves and it's a lifelong journey. My halo is Shiny today - hope yours is too!

LP